For the past two years, I have taken 400 milligrams of caffeine every single day. I usually don’t drink coffee anything more than that since according to the Mayo Clinic, 400 milligrams is the maximum daily recommended amount for a healthy adult. I usually take two 200 milligram pills per day, right when I wake up.
I struggled over whether or not to admit I take caffeine pills on the Internet. Those who know me closely and intimately know I do all the time. I never understood why people look at you really weird when you take caffeine pills, but pass no judgment on someone who drinks five cups of coffee a day throughout the day. The 400 milligrams a day is actually stabilizing compared to some of the not-so-great habits I had in college whenever I needed to pull an all-nighter or needed a pick me up for an assignment due that night.
As a teacher, graduate student, writer, editor, and someone studying for evening law school, I endeavor to accomplish a lot on any given day. I usually do accomplish a lot on any given day, and I rationalize using caffeine as a necessary evil. After all, it’s not like I’m abusing stimulants I’m not prescribed, like Adderall or Ritalin — how bad could 400 milligrams of caffeine a day be?
Yesterday, however, I endeavored to quit. I was no longer going to use caffeine and I was going to quit cold turkey, which is against the advice I’ve received from virtually everyone. But lately, I’ve been having trouble sleeping, and all I want to do yesterday is sleep. I even took a two-and-a-half-hour nap in the middle of the day.
One friend who’s also on the quitting caffeine grind said he lost all joy in his life the first week he quit cold turkey. It’s not like I’m against any personal intake of caffeine — I realize there’s caffeine in tea, coffee, or some of the running gels I take in the middle of 21-mile runs.
Regardless, I just want to knock the reliance on needing caffeine the moment I wake up, every day. This was just day one, but I thought it would be fun to document my journey thus far. So far, it was completely not fun. Life was not very exciting. I had significantly less hype and energy than I usually do. Time just dragged along instead of me being in the zone.
This article is not intended as medical advice. Please consult a physician before you make any big health or lifestyle choices. The Cleveland Clinic recommends not quitting cold turkey and tapering down caffeine intake slowly. It says people who quit cold turkey usually experience severe withdrawal symptoms and go immediately back to caffeine to avoid withdrawal.
Not me, right? I was going to quit caffeine through sheer willpower, cold turkey.
I’ve always found caffeine was, in a way, a way to force myself to be an idea of myself. Usually, it’s a more productive version of myself, but it also manifests as someone who’s vocal in meetings, outspoken, energetic in social settings, and more. Yes, there have been times where caffeine makes me panicky and absolutely bouncing off the walls, and there were times caffeine made me a bit too short-fused and easy to anger. But I could maintain those machine-like expectations of myself, as long as I had 400 milligrams of caffeine a day.
Now, one large reason why I tried to quit caffeine was just a greater alignment with my natural self. Instead, I wanted greater self-acceptance.
The result
Well, all those ideas sound great. But after one day, I failed. I poorly timed a practice Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) for that day and realized my brain wasn’t working like usual. I was tired. I had brain fog. Everything the Cleveland Clinic warned against came true.
The test did not go well. I scored lower than my usual practice scores in almost every section. I felt like I could barely understand what I was reading. I am three weeks out from my actual LSAT and started panicking a bit — why did I think quitting caffeine right before one of the highest stakes tests in my life was a good idea?
I was able to get through the rest of my daily tasks besides a cognitively demanding test like the LSAT. I went on a run. I did work around my apartment. I ran errands. But the moment a test that made me focus on five dense paragraphs on the role of subduction on seismic activity or the legal nuances behind the 1948 Supreme Court case of Shelley vs. Kraemer came into play, my brain didn’t want to work anymore.
Maybe I’d try to go cold turkey again once my LSAT is done. The week after I take it, the school year ends, so I won’t have much going on and won’t have the pressure to be as productive and cognitively at my fullest potential as usual.
I took caffeine this morning — my usual dosage. What was great as an idea was not great for the current circumstances of my life. But I consider this progress regardless. The lesson here is not that it’s okay to fail, but perhaps that it’s bold to try, dare greatly, and fall flat on your face. Plus, I personally learn much more from failure than success, and I suspect a lot of people out there do, too.
I don’t consider myself to have a caffeine addiction. I can quit any time, I rationalized. But my friend said “dude, 400 milligrams a day is a lot.” And I simply didn’t feel like my normal self for the whole day, and didn’t until I woke up this morning and took my usual dose of caffeine. Plus, something like the LSAT will always come along in my life — a challenge that will make me my abilities in every sense. Do I take caffeine to feel better or to feel normal? If I’m honest, sometimes it’s the latter.
I learned you should probably try to cut down on something you depend on to function gradually. Small, gradual changes will always be more lasting and sustainable than large, drastic changes.
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This post was previously published on Invisible Illness.
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