I Used To Confront People Who Ghosted Me. Here’s Why I Stopped.

Like most people, I hate being ghosted. I hate the fact that the act of refusing to reply to people or bailing on people is considered to be a normal way of breaking a relationship. It’s low, and it should never be done unless you have reason to worry about abuse hurled your way.

Studies show that ghosting is actually one of the most painful ways to break up with a person. It is embarrassing, sends a message that you are not worth a reply, and actively can spark PTSD-like symptoms in people who have had it done to them.

Let’s talk about what I learned about ghosting from my last couple of jobs. It might help people who recently got shunned or ghosted in their own lives.

My Story

I’m what people call a strong personality. When I talk, I talk a lot. I’m kind of a windbag. Most people say I’m aggressive and that I seem to demand attention. Uh, yeah, kinda happens when you have a shit past.

That’s why my last office job was so painful. At first, they liked me. Then, they all collectively decided that I was too aggressive in my role, that I was too much of a histrionic person, and that I was too weird.

Eventually, I confronted them when they stopped answering my calls and started going to events without me. They also accused me of being a compulsive liar because my background sounded so unreal.

What they didn’t realize is that:

• I was actually telling the truth about crawling out of poverty.
• Many of my friends really were people who are ex-convicts, homeless people, escorts, and drug dealers.
• I really did sleep with several hundred people.
• A lot of what they were seeing was me acting out of fear of being left out, since people kept telling me this group was going to be my “happily ever after” and leftover mannerisms from street life.
• I never told them I was trafficked because I thought they’d hate me.
• When I went into this job, I was hoping I could turn over a new leaf and have a lifestyle with supportive friends with a normal background.
• I was desperate for their approval because I literally had to choose between trying to hang out with them and backsliding into my old life.

When they ghosted me, I felt like I had my future of normalcy, stability, and professional life ripped out of my hands. I felt like they literally pushed me down and said, “Stay with your street rat friends, you fucking worthless urchin.”

In a lot of my circles, doing something like this is an insult to injury. You don’t do that without having a confrontation. It’s a matter of honor. Ghosting is a sign of weakness to people like me. It’s a sign that they are too cowardly to show respect.

So, I confronted them. I told them if they wanted to sever ties with me, that is fine. But they had to give me the respect I deserve and at least tell me why. They told me they felt it’d be “healthier for everyone” if they all dropped me. With that, they smirked and left.

Later, they became very abusive towards me — going out of their way to make sure I went home from work in tears. My old friends came to my side and were there for me, not them. Meanwhile, my coworkers made fun of my husband and I for getting married.

By the time I had been laid off, I was already going back to warehouses, hearing my friends rap battle, and hearing the latest gossip in my music scene. At that point, I realized something: they were right to ghost me. I was too good for them.

After that, I realized something. Confronting them does not mean they’ll come back. They’ve already made their choice. The best thing you can do is make them realize what they’ve lost and keep them out of your circles.

Why Do People Ghost Others?

When I had my ghosting experience, I quickly went on the net to research what could have gone wrong. I needed to know, desperately, what I did wrong. We all know what that feels like, right?

So, the first thing that we need to bring out in the open is that ghosting doesn’t happen for no reason. Everyone who ghosts has a reason — and sometimes, you will never know what that reason is.

From what I saw, these are the most common reasons why ghosting happens:

• They fear for their safety or are worried they will be pulled back into abuse. This is basically the only time I actively encourage people to ghost. If you feel unsafe around a person or are scared of how they’ll react ghost. Sure, it could be a mistake of the vibe, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
• You did something that deeply offended them. Something like destroying a family heirloom, sleeping with your spouse, trashing your home, or trash-talking you would fit this bill. At this point, you probably deserved it.
• They want to politely decline your friendship or end it, but don’t know how to do it respectfully. A lack of socialization is a common reason for this. Sometimes, admitting that you no longer want to talk to people can be very difficult to do.
• For one reason or another, they see something wrong that you don’t. This is often why people who hold racist beliefs get ghosted. People just realize that their values fundamentally don’t match and decide it’s no longer worth talking to you.
• The relationship turned toxic. I treat this like dealing with a potential abuser. Once again, totally reasonable. Ghost at your behest, especially if you tried to mend things in the past but to no avail.
• You both have nothing in common. I mean, I have a couple of friends where I have very little in common with them. So I don’t see this as a good reason. But it’s still a reason that it happens.
• They actually want to hurt you. I’m 80 percent sure that was what the deal was with my ex-coworkers. This usually is done as a way of bullying, often by insecure people. Creating an “out group” makes you feel like an “in group” and pushes up your status.
• The other party did something that ruined the relationship without you knowing, or had serious mental health issues. I had a friend who ghosted when he had a nervous meltdown. It took years for him to come back around.

Is Someone Ghosts You, Should You Take Them Back?

Categorically, I say no. When a person ghosts, they’ve proven that they are not going to be there for you. There have been cases where fiancees ghosted their partners at the altar, married, then ghosted them again, serving them divorce papers. If you want reliability, a ghoster will never give this to you.

Ghosting is also an act that is more likely to have dark triad personality traits. In other words, they are more likely to be a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath. That makes having them around a risk to your wellbeing and mental health. (Explains my ex-coworkers, right?)

Generally speaking, the act of ghosting a person is something that should signal the end of your relationship with them. If they regret it? Well, too fucking bad. Ghosters have to live with the consequences of their actions — and that includes living with your absence.

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Previously Published on medium

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