From what I’ve seen in the relationships around me, and the world at large, men typically don’t initiate relationship talks when they’re unhappy; Instead, they just look for reasons to leave.
Women on the other hand, typically talk a lot and often, explain how they feel, beg for something to change, and then nag if they are getting lip service without matching actions. And by the time most women actually verbalize the words, “I’m not happy,” they’re no longer looking for their partner to change behavior or increase the effort they put into the relationship. By this point, they’re ready to be done.
We have a communication mismatch when this is not how the man takes the comment. If he loves the woman he’s with and thinks he wants to be with her, this is the part where he tries to bargain and negotiate with her to stay. Cue just about every marriage that ends up in couples counseling: Typically, she’s had it and is ready to walk away, even if it’s breaking her heart to do so because she’s tired of feeling essentially alone in the relationship, but he tosses out that he’ll finally (finally) agree to go to therapy, after years of pooh-poohing the idea because he didn’t think they needed it, or didn’t want to spend the money, or only thought it would dredge up other issues, or didn’t want a stranger to know intimate details about their private lives.
By the way, gentlemen, when she first suggests therapy is the time to go: She is already unhappy and needs things to change, but isn’t quite ready to walk away. Yet. Or even if she’s close to wanting to walk away, she wants to make sure she’s given it all she could first.
My friends Nate and Carissa are prime examples of this. They’ve been together for a little over three years, and Carissa wants marriage and kids. Nate…still isn’t sure. Or at least that’s what he told Carissa. They broke up a year ago when they’d been together for two years because Carissa had had it with Nate stalling and being unwilling to talk about the future with her. (Privately, I wonder if he just doesn’t want a future with her but isn’t yet ready to break up with her so he’s running out her fertility clock until it’s too late, at which point he will leave her for someone who is younger and still fertile and have his family. I hope I’m just being jaded and cynical and that this isn’t based in reality.) Most of the people I know can tell within the first year if the person they’re dating is someone they see a long-term future with. Especially when they live together.
Nate and Carissa have similar hobbies and financial goals, but Nate is clearly a few chapters behind Carissa, assuming he’s reading the same book she is. He is unable to even talk about the future with her. When they broke up, he moved out for 6 months, back into the house he owns, living with his mom, his sister, her baby, and her baby daddy. Nate alternately told Carissa that he missed her and the peace and quiet of the house they shared and that he didn’t love her any longer and “wanted to see what else was out there.” Carissa was in tatters, but she still loved him and wanted him back. Eventually, they started talking again and he begged to come back to her. He told her he still loved her and if marriage and kids were what she wanted, then he was on board. She explained that her conditions for him moving back in and picking up where they left the relationship were that within three months, she wanted them to start making active progress toward that future together.
It’s now been 6 months and she tentatively brought up the subject again, eliciting a fight followed by Nate shutting down. So she is shelving it, again, as she has been doing for a year and a half. She feels like as long as she doesn’t bring up the future, things are okay with them, and she doesn’t want to rock the boat. I asked her, “At what point do your feelings and life goals matter to you as much as his do?” She remained quiet, so I dropped it.
I am worried for her but keeping any further thoughts to myself. She is writing her story, not mine. But I think she deserves a partner who trusts her enough to be honest with her. She deserves someone who can talk about whether he sees a future with her — or not. She ultimately deserves someone who actively wants to be with her and will be on the same page so they can build something together.
When people know they want to be in a relationship with someone, they will treat that person accordingly. They will be attuned to their partner’s moods and will check in to see how their partner feels. And if they are aware that something will make their partner happy, they’ll figure out a way to do it. At minimum, they will be able to have truthful discussions if they disagree with their partner. I am now more convinced than ever: If they wanted to, they would. People invest effort into relationships that are important to them. They send their time and attention to what matters.
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Previously Published on medium
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