If You Think Love Is Enough, You’re Being Delusional

As they say: getting into a new relationship is easy but getting out of a bad one? It can take your whole life.

And most time, that one statement is right. Regardless of how many dating apps promise you fast and easy “connections,” it’s not actually what we’re seeing in real life. Single people are still struggling to look for their “right” person — most of which end up stuck in those dating apps.

I was thrilled when a close friend of mine finally found someone she truly liked through Bumble last year, and from her face, I could tell she’s already more than ready to settle down with this guy.

When asked about practical questions such as who’ll move out/in the country and whether she’d be ready to give up her career in Asia so she could move to the Netherland with her boyfriend — she said, “I don’t know.”

Sometimes there’s something off in our relationship that only those who’re close around us can see it. And this friend is one of the examples of that kind of situation.

I knew something just didn’t feel right the moment she said he likes to blame her for everything that goes wrong in their relationship. And in most situations, she found herself making more compromises than he did, especially on the financial part.

But she let it slide because she loves him. She also has this naive belief that if she shows him how much she loves him every day, he’ll eventually see it and change to be a better person for her.

She’s sold to those fairytale stories.

This might happen to men too, but from personal experiences, women have the tendency to sit there and wait for the man to change. They neither tell him what needs to be changed nor generally voice their opinions on the matter.

In fact, they always feel like their opinions don’t matter much — which is a sad thing to see.

Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you need to let go of your ideas and perspectives that you think are right. For your partner to agree or disagree, that’s another subject to think about. What’s important is to have an equal right to speak up your truth in the first place.

People in such relationships think love is enough. Love conquers everything. This means love will also conquer the bad behavior that their partner has. It’s not practical to see a relationship that way because you actually do have control over it.

Believing in “love” to build the perfect relationship is somewhat delusional. There are lots of practical aspects that you need to consider in order to have such a relationship with somebody.

Adapting to this mindset also prevents you from thinking that relationships, in general, are constant work. It’s hard work from both parties who claim they love each other.

So let’s say your partner has bad behavior (gaslighting, mentally abusive, etc.); he/she will never change just because you show them some love. It has to come from his/her end to make that effort.

Moreover, it has to come from their own awareness that they need to change to be a better person — not from your end. Your love is nice to support, but most times it’s not enough reason for them to change.

Some people would argue that love does make people change their bad behaviors. But I’ve also noticed those who changed are only because they’re in the “honeymoon” phase. So when the butterflies and roses’ feelings fade, they’re back in becoming their old selves.

I’ve had one ex who quit smoking when we started dating. He also started picking up new hobbies such as reading books and exercising. Then when I said I wanted to end the relationship, he’s back into his old habits and smoking cigarettes again the exact next day.

That relationship taught me that you could never change someone — even if it’s for the name of “love”.

How being practical helps your relationship stay healthy

I understand how hard it is to be practical when you’re in love with this person 24/7. You don’t see their minus — even if you do, it doesn’t seem significant to you yet, so you tend to ignore it.

The best way to do it is to write down the “red flags” or anything that makes you comfortable in the relationship. I caught myself several during this phase that I’d laugh and think what I wrote about him didn’t make sense because I was so into this guy.

But a couple of months later, when it got worse, I realized how handful those notes are. They made me strong and even more confident in letting the relationship go.

However, the point in this article isn’t to let go of your relationship. It’s to bring more awareness to your radar that being practical in a relationship helps you along the way.

You can’t simply depend on the love you have for them to make it works.

Not to mention, you also need to consider how they reciprocate your feelings and whether your needs are met on not — a couple of more things you need to think about before committing your whole life to someone.

I write about all things that you might struggle with within your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here, or you can buy me a coffee here 🙂

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Previously Published on medium

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