If you look at the post-breakup change curve, where are you at?
I am currently floating somewhere between ‘Depression’ and ‘Experiment’, basically that space and time when you try out depressing experiments that make absolutely no sense.
Experiments can range from texting your ex to trying to have fun with someone new.
The next phase up is ‘Decision’, the magic moment where you have accepted the breakup and are making the best of it. Yup, definitely not there yet!
What does this phase look like IRL?
It’s actually quite incredible:
- You are sick and tired of telling people that you are depressed over the breakup.
- You no longer feel like you want to tell everyone what happened in the hopes that at the 57th time you tell the story you figure out ‘how’ it all went down. Why this person is no longer with you.
- You want to look and sound like you’ve moved on. At times you actually feel like you have moved on but in reality you’re not quite there yet.
- You keep busy trying different things in the hopes not to ‘feel’ anymore.
- The minute you’ve had too much to drink or you are feeling the blues you do stupid stuff you regret but in the back of your mind a voice says ‘you are single, you can do what you want and you should be enjoying life’. Yet everything you seem to try doesn’t truly feel like you’re enjoying life when you wake up with a clear head the next day.
- Worst even, you text your ex in a moment of weakness.
I think we should give a name to this grey area (an area where I gained 5 kilos in 2 weeks and proceeded to make a cluster f&%k out of my own life): let’s call it the ‘WTF’ phase.
Does kissing/sleeping around actually work?
In Italian we call it ‘chiodo schiaccia chiodo’, quite literally this means the ‘nail squashes the other nail’ effect. The meaning of it is: find yourself a new partner, even if temporary, and you won’t remember the previous one (to get over one person, get under another).
Newsflash: it doesn’t actually work.
(No way!)
Yes way.
To try and compensate the feeling of rejection that’s weighing on your chest, you go out there and look for as much approval as you can possibly get. But does this actually work?
No. It doesn’t work.
Actually, while you look for this new connection, you are likely to disconnect from yourself generating this awful sense of deep rooted loneliness. Looking for what you’re missing outside of yourself never actually works.
I know that there is nothing more infuriating than someone telling you when you’re at your lowest that you need to find happiness within yourself. It’s a bloody desert in there! I know, but unfortunately if you cannot find happiness in there, chances are no one can just give you a little package that contains all of the things you are missing that will magically make you feel less lonely and depressed.
That said, at the height of my depression phase I decided to ignore the voice of reason and test this notion. I went out there in the dating jungle just to make sure this theory was correct.
Tales of my 4 amazingly wrong dates:
1. The ‘repetition compulsion’: aka, going on a date with someone exactly like your ex.
My first date came in with zero effort. Someone from my past, who resembles in many ways my ex, came back from the dead and asked me to an art exhibition.
Hot, intelligent, successful, exceeding classic expectations, he took me to a beautiful exhibition where we flirted and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. With non-chalance we hopped on a black cab to a restaurant he chose because I had never tasted Polish food before, elegant and romantic. We had the most wonderful dinner and just as it struck midnight he said: ‘if I find tickets for Wimbledon, would you cancel your work day and join me?’ Yes. I would.
Just like my ex he was creating beautiful experiences and because this guy had disappointed me before I figured I couldn’t get hurt, it was a safe way to feel wanted and not get injured.
In reality, just like with my ex, the risk was all there and I was just about to take it.
We spent a second day together loving every minute. Conversation was flowing, physical contact, I was spoiled above reason. Wimbledon lead to drinks which brought us to a wonderful Greek dinner which allowed me to ask if he wanted to come over as we were passionately kissing in the night. No. He didn’t want to.
Thank God. One less painful illusion to overcome.
The real question I ask myself is: why did I even offer when I knew this would wound me? Why did I feel the need to punish myself instead of protecting the scattered ashes of my heart I was able to vacuum post-breakup?
Lesson learned: you cannot solve why things didn’t work out with your ex by repeating the same mistake with a different person.
2. The ‘F you’ date: aka, hooking up with someone your ex would be so jealous about.
I cannot say much about this because the person in question is actually well known. I had a magic moment with someone frankly incredibly hot and sexy, very well known in the public eye, and also someone with whom I already knew nothing long term could happen. He is not emotionally available. I knew this from the start, we had in fact discussed it on the day in which I met him.
He basically guilt tripped me into something happening. How can that even happen? Why was I once again not protecting myself from pain?
Lesson learned: emotionally unavailable people are NEVER a good idea.
3. The ‘opposite of your ex’ date: aka, going on a date with someone you don’t even actually like (but believe may be good for you).
Irish, tall and big as I like men to be, not nearly as hot as the previous two but differently from my ex kind, warm, loving, fuzzy, present, communicative.
Wonderful, you may think. Yes, I also thought so.
After a month of texting we went on a date for a drink in a pub. Drinks turned into dinner and we moved to the same Greek restaurant as my date n.1. The manager recognized me and sat me next to one of his favorite Greek customers, a handsome 40-something elegant man. When my guy, let’s call him James, went to the bathroom, the Greek customer, much more my type than the guy I was actually on a date with, asked if James was my boyfriend because he would love to go on a date with me. He sent me champagne and explained to his own date that I couldn’t possibly be a good fit for a man who took me to dinner with shorts and who was wearing the world’s ugliest shoes.
I have to say, I agree. That said, I decided not to be vain and to look at more important things.
I was determined to give James a shot. He proceeded to tell me all about the drugs he takes at the numerous festivals, concerts and parties he attends, which immediately turned me off.
So here comes the best part: a voice inside my head said ‘this can be a good choice, you won’t suffer because you’ll never be into him and you can potentially set up a longer term temporary relationship that can make you feel less lonely than being alone’.
I know, I have just read this back to myself so I know how dumb that sounds.
We left the restaurant after he complained to the waiter about the over priced chicken and kissed me on the way home.
When he asked to come up I said yes, but specified that nothing more than a kiss would happen.
Without any invitation on my end, he climbed into bed and proceeded to show me youtube videos.
He complained about the heat, about the noise, he connected his phone to my speakers and played a loud ‘awawaw’ noise at maximum volume all night as he believed this was better than hearing cars outside.
He woke up and I had a 9am meeting. He said he wanted to stay at mine even though I was leaving to take his calls. When I suggested it was strange for someone I had only just met to stay at mine he responded with ‘I mean what is there to steal here anyways?’ Right.
I left for my meeting and he stayed at mine.
At 11am he was still there so I left my stuff at the co-working space I was at, grabbed some focaccia for him to have breakfast and headed home determined to kick him out. I walk in and he’s set himself up an office in my guest bedroom.
‘Hey babe’ he whispered as he keeps talking in his conference call.
It took me 30 minutes to agree with him that it was in fact time for him to go so that I could lock up the flat.
Lesson learned: there is a difference between being open minded and lowering your standards. You deserve more.
The end of a sad story because date 4 was scenario 1 once again.
How do you exit the WTF phase?
It would be great to know how. This morning I listened to a beautiful podcast on changing behaviors. As I often repeat in my articles, change begins with awareness.
This phase of the breakup cycle can lead to destructive behaviors.
- Excessively dating the wrong people
- Uncontrolled eating/drinking/workout or whatever your coping mechanism looks like
- Decreased self care
- Punishing yourself for no reason
- Entering painful situations (underlying belief that you’re not worthy of love)
If you are aware of what it is that you are doing that is in fact hurting you, try writing them down and decide now what changes you will make to these behaviors.
So can random dating numb your feelings of loneliness?
I’m sorry to report back that outside validation never works. Unfortunately there is no easy way out of healing. The only way out is through.
If you are also feeling a little low or a little lonely, write a message here, I’ll be happy to listen.
Remember, this is merely a phase of our transition journey which will eventually lead us exactly where we want to be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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