I'm Apologizing to a Friend Today and I'm Terrified

Dear Abigail (name changed to protect us both),

I am meeting with you later today to apologize in person. When I apologized in a text, you replied “Oh, poor Carol,” and I don’t think you meant that compassionately.

I responded, “Okay, that’s enough.” Which means both enough texting about it, and enough of being mean to me. Which is why I’m both meeting you today to apologize in person and why I’m so afraid.

I’m afraid because if you say something mean, I’m leaving and the friendship is over. You were my Covid buddy, and a valuable friendship. However, I’ve made a pact with myself, of which you are aware since you witnessed my breakup with my last boyfriend. I will no longer allow people to say mean things to me.

In retrospect, I’ve never had a long-term relationship of any kind with someone who says mean things. Nobody I’ve been in relationships with has ever even called me a name.

It’s only lately I seem to be encountering people who think meanness is okay. You’d think, since I’m a therapist, I wouldn’t attract this or accept it. However, the isolation of COVID changed things in ways most of us don’t understand.

On the other hand, you have never been actively — as in verbally — mean to me before now. And you do deserve my apology. I canceled on you at the last minute. I also apologized to my sister and son, because I had made plans with you that affected them without really clearing it with them first.

When I apologized to you in text, then added the explanation that I had harmed everyone in the situation by trying to make everyone happy, is when you replied, “Oh, poor Carol.”

I get that you’re angry. Today is your opportunity to express that anger, and I’m here for it. Please do it in a healthy way so we can stay friends.

For my part, I promise not to make plans again that involve anyone other than myself, a lesson I’m not new to. This one happened partly because of our dynamic, but it’s still on me.

Here’s to hoping our encounter today mends the issue and heals the friendship. That’s what real apologies are for. Not for making the offending party feel or look better.

Nor to make them feel worse by patronizing them when they apologize.

I recommend we watch the FX/Hulu series The Bear together if this apology goes well. It shows that even people from dysfunctional families and situations can sincerely apologize and learn to apologize, forgive, be kind, and supportive to one another.

More sincerely than you know,

Carol

—

This post was previously published on Bad Dog — The Apology Pub.

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.