I’m Not Okay, but It’s Okay!

It has not been the best two weeks of my life. I felt either numb or very emotional for a silly reason: I was worried over my head for things that are out of my control. This is the one thing that roots inside me that needs to be untangled through time.

It’s not so much of a bad thing to worry because we do need to plan ahead and anticipate impacts. We are mammals with great cognitive functions and survival instincts. Our call for fight or flight is immaculate! Though I think, to a certain extent it might be extreme, and it is what happened to me.

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I am an only child and I lost both of my parents between the age of 16–19 due to cancer. I am very lucky that I have a guardian and many other extended families that looks out for me. Though so, my parents have raised me to be an independent being that takes precautions before stepping from one stone to another.

Since their death, I feel like the things in my life are shaky, decluttered, and uncertain.

For the past years, I’ve been building back bricks upon bricks and trying to better myself to strengthen the foundation. It’s been almost eight years now, I feel like I’m doing great and things are under my control. That is until 2020 hits me in the face and woke me up.

* * *

It’s quite overwhelming to be in a situation of so much uncertainty. It’s been years of building bricks to only have the ground under me shaking. It’s not even my fault that the ground is shaky, it just is! And it has always been shaky! I’ve just never wanted to acknowledge it until it really happened.

So for the past two weeks, another wave of overthinking and worrying overshadowed my brick castle. It’s like a tsunami that no one sees coming until you can see the high tide over your head and it’s too late. I think that’s what happened in this episode, and for the past two weeks, I learn to be fine with it.

For a long time, I’ve never wanted to share my journey to anyone in this world, perhaps only to my two or three closest friends. I know for sure because I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, or that I am incapable of standing up for myself. But you know what?

The more I grow, the more I develop, the more I mature, the more I realise that strong people admit defeat from time to time, and it is okay.

It is never about being perfectly okay all the time, nor about having no failures in life. It is about facing imperfections, failing, and getting back up again.

The past two weeks I ‘stripped’ down myself to one of my closest friends and reveal all the weaknesses I had, and even confessed that I have been “scared and embarrassed” the past years to ever admit defeat. And my God, it felt extremely good! Like the weight of an entire world was lifted from my shoulder and my heart woke up refreshed and ready to embrace what’s to come.

* * *

For the past two weeks, I’ve learned a lesson that I thought I should’ve learned earlier. But at this moment, I realized that Time is always right. Things happen in the right timing because Time is a higher dimension than us three-dimensional beings. We do not comprehend what’s beyond our linear reality, but Time knows what It’s doing, and we just have to believe in It.

From today onwards I promise to respect myself more by feeling what I’m feeling. Feelings are not always rational because it’s based upon a complex construct, which sometimes I believe our hormones too, plays a manipulative card on us. Though so, I owe to myself to feel what I feel and let the waves of ups and downs amidst these uncertainties take me where I need to be in Time.

Along the way, it’s okay to not be okay.

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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.

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