Imposter Syndrome in Motherhood

I carried my daughter inside of my womb for 9 months. I went through what many other mothers experienced. Labor and delivery. The whole thing.

Yet, when she was laid in my arms, she was crying. I couldn’t soothe her. I had a difficult time feeding her. I felt lost. Alone. I felt like an imposter.

Imposter Syndrome

Defined by verywellmind.com

To put it simply, imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a phony — you feel as though at any moment you are going to be found out as a fraud — like you don’t belong where you are, and you only got there through dumb luck. It can affect anyone no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.

Imposter syndrome is a very real instance of concern about your status in society. Typically, this syndrome is linked to recently graduated college students and their crossing over into the “real world.”

They’ve been excepted into an official job within their degree field and are now surrounded by people much more experienced and confident.

Motherhood

Let me open a window into motherhood and talk to you about what it’s like. The good and the bad.

Let’s start with the good before it sounds like I’m complaining.

Beauty of motherhood

My daughter is my best friend and my daily motivator. She gets me out into the world with trips to the park, days at the beach, and visits to the pool. When I’m in a cloud of depression, I glance her way — a beam of joyful light — and pick her up.

“I love you,” she says to me as she rests her head on my chest. She listens to me read books with her ear close to my heart.

These are moments I repeat in my head and hope never to forget. She loves me unconditionally, as I love her the same.

The ugly side

Eyes looking from the outside, making suggestions, and giving advice I never asked for. These situations make me shake and sting with insecurities. Am I doing this wrong, then?

What someone does with their kid should — obviously — work on mine.

Then, there’s the inside. You dedicate your time and energy to another’s wants and needs. Not only your child but your spouse too. Some maternal switch gets flicked on, and suddenly, you’re last in line.

Imposter Mom Syndrome

I carried my daughter for 9 months inside of me. I carried her in my arms for 3 years (and counting). I flowed through the motions and braved the rough seas with her.

So, why do I feel like I’m not a real mom?

When it comes to being a mother and experiencing impostor syndrome, it is the belief that you are not a good enough parent even though people think you are and your children are being well taken care of.

Motherhood impostor syndrome is likely the reason that moms feel guilty ALL THE TIME. Nowadays, it’s an accepted part of being a mother.

We are expected to accept these feelings of guilt as a normal part of motherhood — and if we don’t feel guilty, we wonder what’s wrong and then feel guilty anyway. (motherhoodandmayhem.com)

After thinking and diving into my emotional abyss of motherhood — because we need to keep it hidden — I’ve discovered a few reasons for this being triggered within myself.

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

It’s okay

I try my best to be a “mom.” To be responsible and to take charge of my daughter’s actions. To keep her safe and behave well in front of others.

That, of course, does not mean I’m strict. I’m far from it. She could play in the mud and dirt, get wet in the rain, and climb a tree if she wanted.

However, I’ve found that — if I’m “co-watching” my daughter with another parent (not her parent), and I shout out a direction to my daughter. “Don’t touch that. It’s not yours. You need to ask first.”

“Oh, it’s okay. She’s fine.”

What does this do to me: This comment creates an inferiority complex in me. That I’m not able to correct my daughter’s actions and teach her properly. I was wrong to say anything to my daughter.

What this does to my daughter: This makes my daughter question my authority as her mother.

The bigger picture is not about being allowed to play with something; it’s about boundaries and her understanding of asking permission.

This sounds extreme. But it happens often. If you’ve taken your kids around their grandparents, you’ve probably witnessed this.

Photo by FRAMEFABLE on Unsplash

“Grandparents are supposed to spoil their kids,”

This is a common saying. And it needs to change. There needs to be a level of mindfulness around this assumption. It’s okay to spoil your grandchild, but not at the expense of their respect towards their parents.

Advice for the unexperienced

It’s easy to open your mouth and give advice about something you know so much about. You’re experienced, and mothers need all the advice.

Wrong.

The moment my daughter was born, I was bombarded with information from others.

“You should keep her home for her first month. It’s a tradition, and it’s what I did”.

“Is that a pacifier? You really shouldn’t”.

“No playgroups? No mommy groups?”

We only want advice when we ask for it. Being mindful around new moms is extremely important. Listen to what we’re saying when we’re venting. Most of the time, it’s just that.

VENTING

We want someone to hear us. Not talk at us with all the miracle information you’ve accumulated over the years.

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Motherhood is a very personal journey. Other mothers seem to find their way into the room and fill it up, so there’s no room left for you. Where is your voice and your thoughts?

I sit in a group of mothers and feel like I don’t belong. I go through the motions but don’t feel like she is my daughter.

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Thank you for reading!

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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