One of my younger brothers is about six-foot, four-inches tall with broad shoulders, bright hazel eyes, and a ready smile. He’s one of the kindest people I know, the type of guy who saves stray cats and grows attached to chickens. And he’s a great listener. I can sit and talk to him about all kinds of subjects, and feel truly heard.
But he’s got one thing that in his point of view, works against him when it comes to attracting women—he’s shy.
I discovered a few months ago that he was feeling really down on himself. After a failed relationship, he’d been alone for a while and was dwelling on all of his flaws that he believed kept him from meeting somebody new.
It made me sad to hear him talking like this, but I have to say—it’s a point of view I’m intensely familiar with. As a professional writer and someone who regularly teaches writing workshops to help other writers succeed, I come up against this same issue all the time.
The issue is this: whether you’re a writer looking to gain recognition or a fellow looking to get a girl’s attention, you’re probably focused way too much on your flaws, and way too little on your strengths.
We’re Wired to Focus on Our Weaknesses
Writers learn to do this early on. We’re told to get feedback on our work, so we head out to writer’s groups, send our stuff to editors and book doctors, submit to contests that provide critiques, and ask readers to let us know what they think.
Nothing really wrong with that, except when we get the feedback, the positive comments go in one ear and out the other, and the negative comments sink into our brains like anchors and stay there, rooted in our thoughts for years to come.
The main reason this happens is that as human beings, we’re hardwired to focus on the negative. Scientists call it a “negative bias,” and it means we focus on the bad news. Studies have shown that as early as seven months, infants start paying more attention to angry and fearful faces than happy ones (prior to that, they focus longer on the happy faces).
This is disastrous for a few reasons. One, it feeds self-doubt, which is the last thing writers need, as we struggle with it enough already. Two, it saps us of our motivation and energy, making it harder to stick with our goals.
Third, and perhaps most importantly, it leads to increased focus on weaknesses, which is the opposite of what we need to do if we want to succeed—in love or in writing.
Focusing on Your Flaws Won’t Make You Successful
When looking to date or find a new relationship, what are you likely to focus on?
Typically, it’s all those things you perceive to be flaws. You’re overweight, you don’t have enough hair, your muscles aren’t prominent enough, you’re not charming enough, etc. Even if you do what you can to address these flaws, they’re likely to be prominent in your mind when you go out on that date, which will kill your confidence and potentially ruin your chances at finding a new relationship.
The same thing happens after receiving a critique on your writing. You focus on what you did “wrong” and try to fix it. You go back and rework the piece, paying special attention to those things the reader said needed improvement.
Then you send the story out again and go through the same process a few more times until you either get the story published (rare) or get so discouraged with it that you abandon it (more common).
Making a weakness less of a weakness is not enough to make you competitive in today’s market. You have to create the best story you’re capable of creating, and trying to do that by focusing mostly on your weak areas is not going to get you where you want to be.
The same is true when meeting other people. You have to put your best foot forward, which means leading with your strengths. I told my younger brother—you’re a good-looking guy. Dress up, use your nice smile, then ask the girl a simple question. Once she starts talking, do what you do best—listen. One thing I know most women really appreciate these days is a good listener.
Why You Must Identify and Build on Your Strengths
The real key to success in both writing and love is focusing on your strengths—and then finding ways to make them even stronger.
Think back to when you were a child. Maybe your parents insisted on piano lessons, but you hated them. Put a baseball bat in your hand, though, and you could practice hitting all day long. At which activity did you end up excelling?
Given the chance, we’re more motivated to practice and work hard at those things for which we have a natural inclination. When we do so, we improve at those things and increase our chances of reaching expert level. If you went on to be the star hitter on your baseball team, you know what I mean.
What might have happened if you’d focused on piano playing instead? You might have gotten a little better at piano, but you probably wouldn’t have reached expert level, and meanwhile, you would have missed out on your chance to become really good at baseball.
As a culture, we’re focused on self-improvement, which is a good thing overall, except for the fact that we focus mostly on improving our weaknesses. Scientists think this is partly because we believe that we have more power to change our weaknesses than our strengths. Those strengths will always be there, we believe, but our weaknesses we can improve.
But this is a sure path to mediocrity. Your strengths can be improved, and when you work on something you’re already good at, your potential is much higher than when you start in the negative zone (on a weakness). On top of that, when you actually identify and start practicing to get better at what you already do well, a number of things happen that increase chances of success:
- You experience more energy and well-being
- You feel more positive and enthusiastic about what you’re doing
- You’re more confident
- You grow and improve at a faster pace
- You’re more engaged in your work (or in your relationship)
- You’re more satisfied with your work (or your relationship)
How Well Do You Know Your Own Strengths?
There’s nothing wrong with working on your weaknesses too. The problem is that most of us are far off balance. We dwell on our weaknesses most of the time, and practically ignore our strengths.
I invite you to take a week and turn it around. For at least seven days, focus more on your strengths. What do you do well? What do others say is special about you? What positive feedback do you receive from readers and editors? What did your past girlfriends like about you?
Start writing it down. Make a point to identify your strengths, and once you know at least a few of them, find ways to build on them. Make them even stronger. Practice them. Take classes in those areas. Find out how much of an expert you can become, and you’ll see—it’s not about trying to be something you’re not, but capitalizing on the best of what you already are.
For more information on how to use your strengths to build a noticeable author platform, check out this free chapter from my book, Writer Get Noticed.
Sources
Brown, P. B. (2013, July 7). Forget About Working On Your Weaknesses, Play To Your Strengths. A Case Study. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/actiontrumpseverything/2013/07/07/ forget-about-working-on-your-weaknesses-play-to-your-strengths-a- case-study/#18be1d893e2d
Steimer, A., & Mata, A. (2016). Motivated Implicit Theories of Personality. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(4), 415-429. doi:10.1177/0146167216629437
Vaish, A., Grossmann, T., & Woodward, A. (2008). Not All Emotions Are Created Equal: The Negativity Bias in Social- Emotional Development. Psychological Bulletin, 134(3), 383–403. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.134.3.383
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