The Interdependence You and Your Marriage Need

What is so hard about asking for help—from our friends, our neighbors, and, most importantly from our partners? I understand the desire for independence. The concept of the rugged individual who survives life on his own — yes, it’s almost always a man — is crap. Unfortunately, it fuels the independence vs. dependence argument at the root of many marital challenges. Marriage, like life, is about embracing interdependence.

This has hit home with me twice recently. One of my friends is in remission from breast cancer but had to have another surgery to improve her chances for long-term survival. She sent a text after she came home from the hospital to share the news. Her husband, son and mother were there for her everyday needs and it was her story to reveal or not. It was her explanation that resonated the most—she didn’t want to bother/worry anyone.

The second involved a friend, though not a really close one, whose husband of almost thirty years died a few months ago. It was an extended illness, but the end came shockingly quick. When I saw her a few days ago, I knew she was having a hard time. Despite her outward show of everything being fine, I could see the shell shock behind her eyes. She beat me in reaching out and acknowledged that, despite having friends and family stepping up, she thinks she should be further along and struggles with the need for help.

I get it. It’s hard for me to admit I can’t handle something. I’ve had both my elbows operated on and learned to do everything one handed just so I wouldn’t be a “burden” to anyone. So, if it’s this difficult for women, imagine how hard it is for men?

Men aren’t supposed to struggle. They aren’t supposed to need anyone. They aren’t supposed to hurt or cry or ask for help. So many don’t. AND. IT’S. KILLING. THEM. Literally. And sometimes it’s killing others as well. The disconnection and isolation that are the inevitable by-products of the unquestioned lone hero myth do real damage. To men, women, families, and society as a whole.

The top-grossing movies right now are almost all superhero stories—The Avengers, the X-Men, etc. They are a group that works together to right the wrongs of the world. Even the solo hero stories involve others who step up and have their back. These characters know they can’t do it alone so why do mere mortals feel they’re failing when they can’t do it either?

It’s hard to accept help. It’s even harder to ask for it. Believe me, I’m not immune from the struggle. But it’s counterproductive. It shouldn’t be the source of shame that it often is, especially for men.

We humans are made for connection. The lack of it creates isolation and does real harm. Difficulties shared are difficulties eased. A single stick is easy to break but a bundle of sticks can withstand a lot. The same is true for people.

Iron Man, Captain America, the Black Panther and all the rest know this. They are willing and able to accept help and support. They know it doesn’t make them less than. They know it makes them stronger. A force to be reckoned with.