Is EVERYBODY Toxic?

Recently a friend was sharing a story about a relative who has become infamous within the extended family for her selfish and disruptive behaviors.  Of course, when people understandably withdraw from her, she then acts victimized and claims to be unjustly isolated.  I responded that this is a classic tactic of toxic people, and my friend surprised me by saying, “Oh, everybody’s toxic.”

Now, for the record, I do not agree with this assessment BUT it did really get me thinking about relationship dynamics and how we can ALL do better, no exceptions.  Not because we are “toxic” necessarily, but because we are human, and humans are messy, complicated and moody by nature.  And also—now I might surprise you—ANY behavior, even innocuous or seemingly positive ones, can become “toxic” under the right circumstances.

Easy example:  generosity.  We all think of generosity as a virtuous attribute, particularly in our close personal relationships, but I would be amazed if there was a single human alive who hasn’t, at some point in their life, felt manipulated or obligated by the generosity of another.  Generosity can sometimes be used as a “cure all” behavior by people who can’t otherwise be bothered to treat others with respect and kindness—they “make up” for it with gifts or sometimes even money (it is often a parent who does this).

In dating, generosity can be a transactional gesture (like a man who thinks a woman “owes” him sex because he bought dinner) or in more extreme circumstances, generosity is used to keep a mate “on the hook” who might otherwise have wriggled away (the stereotypical “Sugar Daddy” relationship).  So, while we understand that generosity as a concept is “good”, it can still be used for nefarious purposes.  And to complicate things further, even if you are dealing with a genuinely generous person, there might be a time or a circumstance in which they use their generosity manipulatively if they are feeling insecure or any other negative emotion that causes otherwise decent folks to behave in less than decent ways.

I think this is, in part, what my friend meant when she said “everybody’s toxic”—we all have the capacity for toxic behavior.  With truly toxic people, these behaviors are the norm and not the exception, and it is no one’s job or responsibility to either rehabilitate or even tolerate that kind of personal dynamic.  But for the rest of us it means that before we start pointing fingers, we need to take a good long look in the mirror.

The patriarchy has taught us that fidelity and commitment are the markers of “good” people, but for anyone engaged in an abusive or otherwise soul-sucking relationship, this becomes part of the bear trap that is impossible to escape without gnawing off a limb.  So “good” people stay in bad relationships in order to remain “good”, but the irony becomes that daily engagement with toxic people has a strong tendency to drag us down to their level—often out of sheer exhaustion.  Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, serial liar or gaslighter can tell you that the anxiety and instability of those connections can cause a breakdown of even the strongest person’s sense of self.

Now let’s move on to another conversation I had with a person who has a beautiful, bright, successful daughter in her 20’s who would be a “catch” by any standard.  She had gotten involved with a man (using that term loosely) who was working part time as a bartender and living rent free in her home.  To make matters worse, he had “borrowed” a good deal of money he had no tangible way of repaying.  Then the final insult—he was cheating on her.

Here is a good example of “generosity” that became a very slippery slope.  With some debate, she did (FINALLY) kick him out.  But after a few months, when it turned out his new supply was not very reliable, he came crawling back—and she let him in.

Those of us on the outside of these situations want to scream and tear our hair out over the obviousness of the bad decision.  But it is an example of how “forgiveness”—another trait we all believe to be virtuous—can become EXTREMELY toxic in the right (or wrong) hands.  You may not be a “toxic” person yourself, but if you keep enabling people who clearly are?  GUESS WHAT?  You become just as much of a problem.

And no, I am NOT “blaming the victim”.  I am blaming the person who refuses to accept the evidence that is plain for anyone to see.  When you refuse to adjust to new information and then repeatedly drag other people into the melodrama you have willingly created…yes, now you become “toxic”. Congratulations.

There are many paths to this one destination.  I think that is another reason my friend says we are all toxic.  Because even the most well-meaning (and “forgiving”) people can make a misstep, especially when they believe they are “in love”…

All of this is why romantic relationship are so tricky and blow-up way more often than any of us would wish.  There are just too many easy ways for two otherwise good people to get into a triggering dance that makes both of them engage in unhealthy behaviors and create enabling dynamics for all kinds of “toxic” behavior.  Just because YOU are not a “toxic” person doesn’t mean you can’t have a “toxic” relationship (or several of them, sorry to mention).  How do you get along with your folks?  Your siblings?  Your boss?  Etc, etc, etc.).

Is this an unwinnable war?

Yes and no.  None of us will ever entirely escape from the reflexive responses that emanate from our wounding…because we all have wounding, and these reactions are roadmaps to help us to identify them and resolve to heal.  And when we engage in intimacy, we are embarking on a journey with no clear destination…and that is the good news. 

There is nowhere to “get”, only someplace to “be”. 

And while it may seem counterintuitive, that is the most sacred ground.

Falling in love is the ultimate trip (pun intended) …we lose our footing and our bearings and become free, if only for a little while, from the constraints of the ways in which each of us has shut down (usually for completely legitimate reasons) to our own emotional truth.  Our partner seems ideal, magical even, and we feel blessed and euphoric a ridiculous amount of the time.

But then…the disillusionment begins.

An “organized” person suddenly seems controlling.

A “free spirit” suddenly seems like a hot mess.

An intelligent person suddenly seems like an insufferable snob.

A funny person suddenly seems like someone who ducks difficult issues with humor.

And so on.

This is where the work begins and where we can make or break the future of our own personal development and happiness.  A great first step is to question our own motives.  An empowering second step is to learn the difference between being supportive and being an enabler.

The first step, questioning your own motives, is not as daunting as it seems.  It can actually be a wonderful exercise in self-knowledge, with the right kind of application.  If everyone could honestly assess their own motives in relationship, things would go well a much higher percentage of the time.  Because when we don’t understand what is driving our responses, we are asking our partner to do the work that we are not willing to do on ourselves and that almost always ends in heartbreak.

The second step, learning the difference between support and enabling, would be a piece of cake if we could be honest about our own motives.  If the young woman asked herself why she REALLY was continuing to engage with the broke, adulterous bartender, she would easily see that it has nothing to do with his great (and apparently completely hidden) qualities and everything to do with her assessment of her own worthiness.  It is almost always about our assessment of our own worthiness and the lengths we are willing to go to in order to affirm that core belief.

But insecurity —  probably the most universal human characteristic on our little planet – is NOT toxic in and of itself.  Honestly revealing our insecurity can be healthy vulnerability…or raging manipulation.  I know this feels like a labyrinth we can never escape, but the truth is…if you can follow this argument at all, chances are excellent you are not a toxic person, just a normal human doing the best you can with the information you have available at this time.

And all the while recognizing that some of that information may be faulty.

And all the while being willing to adjust if new information comes to light.

And that’s it.  That is the whole litmus test.  ARE YOU TOXIC?

If you are doing the best with the information you have while recognizing that some of that information may be faulty and you are willing to adjust your behavior and beliefs if new information comes to light, then YOU ARE NOT TOXIC.

You can apply this test quite liberally to all of your relationships.  And belief systems.  You’re very welcome.

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This Post is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock