—
I feel like I am not allowed to feel anything but content and happy and okay.
I feel like since I started my journey to recovery and started actually being happy, that it is a sin for me to feel even a little of anything but.
I feel like to allow myself even an accidental dip into unhappiness would be to cheat my parents and friends of the me that they thought had become a permanent feature in their lives. I feel like to allow myself even a millisecond to take a moment to myself to simply feel the storm silently raging inside me would be no different as committing suicide, in the sense of the betrayal those around me would feel from it.
I feel like to simply feel the emotions sprouting from my slowly decaying heart is to be a disappointment.
I feel that way and yet-
Yet, I can feel the change.
I can feel the shift as suddenly my mood takes a u-turn back the way it came from. I can feel the momentary pause as everything is neither good nor bad before I am plunged into a never ending ocean of doubts and fears and panic attacks.
I can feel the tingling on my skin as the breath leaves my lungs and I’m left for fifteen minutes trying to tell myself that it’s just a panic attack when all I feel is like I’m going to die.
I can feel the pain and the hurt and yet I feel like I shouldn’t.
Is this it? Is this the moment all my effort turns to naught?
Is it?
Or is it okay to feel this way?
—
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