Is it Real, Is it Rational, Is it True?

We tell ourselves stories every day. Sometimes every hour, or minute. These stories are often different from the stories we tell others, either verbally or in the way we present ourselves. These stories we tell ourselves are most often wrong.

Worse, often the stories we tell ourselves are not obvious to us. We automatically tell them, without knowing their origin, or appropriateness.

How do we become aware of our stories? Notice every time you have a negative thought about yourself, others, life and the world. Or start with the ones about yourself first. It’s often easier to test our negative thoughts about others and the world than it is those about ourselves or life. Because we are actively creating a life where our beliefs seem to fit, it seems especially real to us. So start with the toughest part. What you tell yourself about you.

Let’s say you tell yourself you’ll never be good enough.

First ask yourself, “Who says?” It’s usually someone who influenced you at a very early age. Parents, grandparents, teachers, other caretakers. Sometimes peers.

Is it real that I’ll never be good enough?

Maybe it’s real that you won’t be good enough for a parent. But can you be good enough for yourself. or others? If so, it’s not real.

Is it rational that you’ll never be good enough?

Again, the key is to look at who says so. Have you been good enough, or even better, in places and situations like school, work, friendships? Then, it isn’t rational that you will NEVER be good enough.

Is it true?

Maybe it feels true. It probably does. But a feeling doesn’t make it true. Is it true you haven’t been certain people’s definition of good enough? Maybe, but that’s about them, not about you. Anything you do or be that is good enough, or better, proves that it isn’t true.

Once you practice the questions with your negative thoughts about yourself, start applying them to other people, life and the world. Sometimes one thought informs the others, and they feel pretty tangled up. Detangle them, separate them, and apply the questions.

We make decisions from a very early age about ourselves, other people, life and the world.

We don’t have any filters as young children. We believe what older people tell us. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove they are right, and our decisions are accurate. So we grow up and actively participate in creating a life and world that proves our decisions and beliefs over and over.

That’s why questioning the thoughts about yourself first, is the jumping off place. Once we realize those aren’t real, rational, or true, we can see more clearly what’s around us. What we have attracted.

Do you believe no one will ever really love you? You will attract emotionally unavailable people and narcissists (We all attract narcissists, but htey are especially drawn to those with low self esteem.) Do you believe you aren’t worth much? You will never ask to be paid what you’re worth. Do you believe you always make mistakes? Then you will.

Hint: Every, always, and never are clues that a thought isn’t real, rational or true. Nothing is ever always, never, or every. That, to quote Spock, is illogical.

Maybe we admire the people, especially the caretakers, who taught us fallacies. That’s no reason to keep living life as if what they told us about ourselves is true. People can only guide and parent out of their own experiences and beliefs. Many have never questioned those beliefs.

There’s a story about a woman getting ready to cook a ham. She carefully cuts off the two ends and puts the ham in a pan. Her son asks, “Why do you cut the ends off, Mom?”

“I don’t really know, son. My mother does it. I’ll ask her,” Mom replies. She calls her mother and asks, “Hey Mom, little Johnny wants to know why we cut the ends off the ham.”

“Hmmm,” her mother says, “ I don’t really know. I’ll ask your grandmother. She always did it.” She calls her own mother and asks, “Say, Mom, why do we cut the ends off the ham?”

“I don’t know why you do it, but I did it because my pan was too small,” Grandma answers.

How much of yourself, your personality, your joy, do you cut off because someone told you to? Think about it, and ask yourself if what they told you about you is real, rational, and true. My bet is not.

So, ask the questions. Be honest about where the thoughts came from originally. Use the reality that’s revealed in the answers to make yourself whole.

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Previously published on medium

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