Codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
Codependency has no established definition or diagnostic criteria within the mental health community.*
The term codependent gets thrown around a lot, especially in the narcissism and healing world. Just look up “narcissists and codependents” or something similar and see how many hits you get. Many experts will tell you that the reason people get hooked into narcissistic situations is that they are codependent, implying (and even stating outright) that wounded people attract narcissists, and their innate codependency is what keeps the target stuck.
Well, I call BS on that. I am so tired of this characterization, I could just scream. Let’s unpack this by looking first at the background and origination of the word. As Wikipedia states, “the term ‘codependent’ was first used to describe how family members and friends might interfere with the recovery of a person affected by a substance use disorder by ‘over-helping.’” The idea is that the “codependent” person’s identity is all wrapped up in the need to help others, and they will do what they need to do to keep an addict addicted so that they themselves have a role and a purpose. In this sense, the term has some validity. But in terms of its current broad-scale application to anyone in relationship with someone with a personality disorder, I question it.
In my experience and in looking more deeply into the many factors that affect narcissistic abuse/toxic relationships, I do not see that people with low self-esteem and a chronic need to get their identity from “helping” others are what attracts narcissists–or keep targets stuck. I think throwing the term “codependent” at someone as an explanation for how they got involved with one is at best lazy, and at worst, simply more gaslighting.
Rather, research shows that narcissists, who feel they deserve the most amazing person on their arm or in their organizations, are typically attracted to people who shine. They don’t tend to want a diminished mouse who only wants to focus on and help them — at least not at first. This is not interesting, challenging, or attractive. After all, what does it say about them if they can only get someone with low self-esteem? And it’s not very much fun to take someone down who is already there.
But hey, how cool would it be (for a narcissist) to attract and ensnare someone amazing, and then, through the idealization-devalue-discard cycle, make them feel small? And then, when they are diminished and broken, move on to someone more interesting? Now you’re talking.
And yes, the target’s behavior might look like codependency. Personally, and I know I am not alone, after a while I did tend to focus more on the X (a covert narcissist) than I did on me, trying to help him with his career, giving him the spotlight, and doing what I could to avoid becoming the target of his wrath. Why? Not because I needed this for my own identity, but because there were sometimes minor rewards (breadcrumbs) when I did and hell to pay when I didn’t. This was not my personality by any means, it was an adaptive strategy to cope with abusive treatment. Additionally, his hot and cold behavior probably created in me what is known as a “trauma bond,” also distinct from codependency.
The idea of being a “codependent type person” or even “codependent in a relationship” is all about the target, and does not take sufficiently into account the impact of abuse and the way we change our behavior in attempts to stay safe and simply get through another day. Also, let’s note that having a great deal of empathy is vastly different than needing people around us to be dysfunctional in order to have a purpose in life.
All that having been said, I want to acknowledge a couple of things. One, some narcissists may target people with lower self-esteem, because they are easier prey. It’s just not typically the norm because of all the reasons I stated above. Two, the advice on how to “stop being codependent” can be helpful as a way forward because of the behaviors adopted as a safety strategy.
I hope I’ve made my case that being targeted and entangled in narcissistic abuse is not generally a result of codependency. So in this arena, can we please stop using that term, and engage instead in more complex conversations?
*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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