Many of us want to find companionship with a romantic partner that we can comfortably be with for the rest of our lives. But some of us want the finished product wrapped in a tidy bow and ready for a life of love.
Based on the people you’ve seen in your life, have you ever met a couple that when they first met they were the finished product? Probably not, right? Neither have I.
Despite how emotionally healthy two people are when they first meet, they still have to learn each other’s rhythms, idiosyncrasies, likes, dislikes, sense of humor and way of life. Some things are bound to be compatible. Some things are bound to clash.
Moreover, despite how emotionally healthy two people are when they begin their relationship, it is only a matter of time before their shadows come out to play with each other or to antagonize each other.
With this in mind, it is extremely important to know how you approach your relationship. Do you view it as a destination or a journey? Because the ramifications for each perspective are going to be quite different.
Destination vs. Journey
If you view a relationship as a destination, it is similar to the perspective of the fixed mindset in that the relationship is a static organism. It doesn’t grow or change. But the couple hope that their bond is infallible.
When you start a relationship, as far as you can tell, this person is it. They are as close to perfection as possible and your romance is already at its peak. Now it’s about reliving paradise day after day, month after month, year after year.
If there is any amount of feedback, it’s heard but not abided by. After all, how can you improve that which is already functional? Well, because it may be functional today but like anything in life, it is subject to change.
When conflict undoubtedly arises, this is going to come as quite a shock to a couple who believe their romance is functional. But just like a car that’s been running for thousands of miles without a problem, eventually something will malfunction.
And if this couple refuses to acknowledge and accept that there is an issue but that it isn’t the end of the world, their relationship is doomed. More conflicts will arise. More misunderstandings will come up. If the couple do not rise to the occasion, they will break up or stay together in growing misery.
On the other hand, if you view a relationship as a journey, you can acknowledge milestones and checkpoints as destinations but you choose to continue to explore your partner and your relationship.
A relationship is not a destination because a relationship should not be viewed as a place you go to end your troubles or loneliness. A relationship will not end your problems. Sure, it might end or suspend some of your problems. But it will inspire other problems.
And as I’ve said in other posts, the more you weather the storms of life with your partner, the more the love between you two will grow and the stronger the relationship gets.
Viewing your relationship as a journey is a lot like having a dynamic mindset because you are more interested in learning about this new world rather than arriving at the vacation spot. Paradise without an end ceases to be paradise. It’s just boring.
So when conflict arises, you welcome it and understand that two different people are going to clash at some point or another. We even have internal dilemmas with ourselves, so how could we expect to not have conflict with another?
When you’re able to welcome conflict you are then able to accept critique and information in order to improve the situation. You put in the effort just as you would for your own self-improvement because you’ve decided to be with this person and to love them.
And then when the conflict is resolved, the love deepens and the relationship is more resilient. The confidence you have with one another and the relationship is stronger. Oddly enough but perhaps not surprisingly, you become an inspiration to couples who believe romances are destinations.
And hopefully they’ll take your advice and follow your example.
I remember the first time I heard that success is not a destination, but a journey. I absolutely hated that notion. At the time I was not aware that I was using my goals to be destinations and save havens from the problems in my life.
As a result, I had a bad attitude to reality which only got worse because I kept trying to change my life and find the finish line.
This was my attitude to life in general, so it definitely was a problem in romance.
When I finally saw the folly in my thinking, it all made sense. I couldn’t judge anyone who didn’t want to weather the storms with me because I too was a fair-weather flyer. I couldn’t accept when things ended because I refused to walk away from the possibility of a happily-ever-after and I didn’t want to start all over again with someone new.
The fact of the matter is that whether you see a romantic relationship as a journey or a destination, it can abruptly end. Your partner can decide to end the journey or to leave the destination. You just have to accept that.
But what I have found is that however things come to a close, whether through death or a decision to leave, if you saw your relationship through the lens of a journey, it’s a hell of a lot easier to take than when you perceive your relationship through the lens of a destination.
Why? Because your journey continues. However, if you thought love was a destination, you’ve just been cast back into hell.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Pablo Stanic on Unsplash
