Is Love Really Worth All of It?

You call him in the evening. You have great news. The house you wanted is available, and you can move in now. He was the first person you told. The one who’s heard your most innermost thoughts. Thoughts you were not even brave enough to admit to yourself.

You ask him to try and call more often and spend more time with you. He gets angry, says you’re not the one to tell him how to use his time. Another fight, you’re down and hurt. You feel the pain again, and you ask him why you’re always on the wrong with him these days. He’s been attacking you verbally the past few months.

You know it’s not you. Still, you ask for forgiveness for whatever wrong thing you have done. You start crying. It’s been the order of the day, the order of your recent conversations with him.

This year is not turning out as you hoped it would. It began so well.

His birthday is only a month away. You swear you won’t bother trying.
You’re angry, and you don’t think things will ever be good between the two of you.

His voice used to calm you down. His presence lightened up your mood but now talking to him, hurts and you expect him to blame you for one thing or the other. Too much hurt and resentment to push through, but you’re too tired.

Why do you have to be the one forgiving and taking the high road? You’re ready to talk and air things out, but you know he won’t talk to you, reason out what you’re both feeling.
Is it worth it?

I believe in love and all it encompasses. I know I’ll stick through just about anything, but my partner has to be willing to try. I can’t carry the whole relationship by myself if we’re indeed in a committed one. I think I’m at that point when I ask it is worth it for us to be together?

I feel sad, and encounters with him recently have left me in pain and broken. He doesn’t call me on his own nowadays, and when I do, and he misses it, he does not call me back. That gets me. I mean, that’s just a courteous thing to do, not even a relationship thing.

I am tired and hurting too much. My head is aching, and our call yesterday still affects me. I texted him afterward and told him he was not obligated to be with me, but he should at least be there for the kids.

He’s mad, I’m sure of it, but I needed to tell him that
I know we’re in a horrible stage now, but I’m not sure I am strong enough as I thought I was to hold on through it.

Times like these make me look inward. If I feel this way about him, he must feel something like this too. He must see me as the wrong one, and I’d like to hear his side.

In our eyes, we are good, and it’s everyone else that wrongs us. We forget that in someone else’s eyes, we hurt them, and coming to terms with it takes a lot of work and acceptance on our part. To see ourselves through someone else’s hurt and admit we are at fault that we wronged them.

So is it worth it? Yes, it is.

I won’t give up on us just yet. As much as I feel I am at the end of my rope, I still want to hold on, love, pray and wish him all the best. And why? Because of love, because of connections, and because of him. That is what love is. It is what we share, what we give and receive back. That is what we feel when we’re over everything else. It is what we can’t explain when asked why we’re still there. It is what we can’t calculate and figure out when nothing else makes sense. It is what gets us up in the morning, through the day, and back in our beds at night.

Yes, love is all worth it and then some.

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Previously Published on medium

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