A man asks Eli and Josie how to win back the girl who dumped him after they moved in together.
Dear Sexes: My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years recently dumped me. Initially, we agreed to a break. Once I moved out her true intentions became clear. The first year and a half or more was great. The last 10 months were tense after I lost my job and moved into her one-room studio. I think our relationship was/is salvageable, but I’ve tried everything to no avail. Shocked, disappointed and truly heartbroken. Any advice?
She Said: Moving in together is a huge step, and one of the worst reasons to cohabitate is because one person is broke or displaced for another reason. When you move in together out of necessity, it’s much more likely to happen before you’re both truly ready for it. Especially in a one-room studio!
I’m so sorry about the heartbreak. It’s just the worst feeling, especially when you sit and wonder how it could’ve all gone differently.
But the best thing you can do right now is really get your shit together, as best as you can. Then go to her as a friend and gauge how she feels, with the least amount of pressure possible, and a real and true explanation of the ways in which you are taking responsibility for how things went wrong.
If you come back to her before you’re truly back to your old, happy and fulfilled self (fulfilled in every way but her, of course), she’ll think it’s a move of desperation instead of love and a genuine effort to try again.
And remember—this time, no premature cohabitation!
He Said: I’m truly sorry for your heartache, but it sounds like it’s time to move on. If you’ve tried everything to salvage the relationship, what more can you do? And while it’s romantic and valiant that you’re fighting hard for this relationship, don’t you want your (ex) girlfriend to fight for the two of you as well?
Now, if you’re still reading, and you still have some hope left, you should remind yourself it’s difficult to live with anyone (friend, partner, anyone) in a one-room studio. If your relationship fell apart, merely because the two of you lived in a tiny space (before you were ready?), and didn’t have the space to breathe, or sleep diagonally every once in a while, then maybe you should keep fighting.
However, before you do anything, give yourself time to heal, and your girlfriend time to think. The time apart might even give her the opportunity to miss you. If you smother her, she’ll just want to resist your advances and efforts at reconciliation. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes… Other times it just makes the heart forget. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.
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