Is This a Sign Your Relationship Is Over? [Video]

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Matthew Hussey posts new love life advice for you every weekend on YouTube.

Transcript provided by YouTube [unedited]:

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if she does get to the point of saying
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like I’m not turned on
0:04
that’s hard for him to come back from
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[Music]
0:11
this listener is Allah and Stephen will
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you do the honors hi Matt and Co love
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your podcast I listened to the episode
0:19
why aren’t you attracted to him and I
0:22
found it very relevant to me especially
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the part about fixing my brain I am with
0:27
an amazing guy who is kind generous and
0:29
makes me feel special but I am lacking a
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sexual spark we have been together for a
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while now and I’m very torn if it’s an
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effect of a long-term relationship or if
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I fell out of love how do you tell the
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difference I know it is challenging to
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keep the spark alive but the sexual
0:45
chemistry is a must for me in the
0:48
relationship thank you uh Ella um thank
0:52
you for your email I you know I was
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trying to see if anywhere in your email
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you had said you started attracted to
0:59
him
1:00
but then lost it and correct me if I’m
1:03
wrong anyone but did I feel like she
1:05
didn’t actually say anywhere that she
1:08
was attracted to him in the beginning no
How to keep the spark alive
1:10
but I think it’s implied by saying
1:13
um
1:14
that she is torn whether it is an effect
1:16
of a long-term relationship or whether
1:19
she has fallen out of love so she’s been
1:21
with him for a long time and she’s
1:24
wondering whether that’s why so I do
1:26
think I think she had it in the
1:28
beginning I think so
1:30
I think so I think I think it was fine
1:32
in the beginning but now it’s been a
1:35
while and she’s no longer
1:37
feeling sexually attracted in that way
1:40
what do you think about that
1:49
then
1:50
it’s really difficult because I’m no
1:52
expert on sort of like I don’t know how
1:55
long her relationship is but how how to
1:58
keep the spark alive in a 20-year
2:00
marriage or in a really long-term
2:02
relationship but
2:03
I think if people you know with with sex
2:06
and intimacy I sort of feel like
2:09
foreign
2:09
it’s something that has to be nurtured
2:12
along the way and it’s something that
2:15
it’s quite a sort of delicate ecosystem
2:18
and it’s something that you have to put
2:20
effort into all the time and you have to
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almost put you know significantly more
2:25
effort into it as you go on because in
2:27
the beginning you have all the dopamine
2:28
and the hormones basically just making
2:30
you like making it so effortless and
2:32
easy and obviously
2:35
um over time they get replaced with
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different hormones you just you become
2:39
more sort of loving and you Nest a
2:41
little bit more and I think those kinds
2:42
of
2:43
urges aren’t as prominent but I think
2:45
that you
2:47
you know having regular intimacy like
2:49
daily or every couple of days it doesn’t
2:52
mean you have to have sex every day but
2:54
I think having daily kind of intimate
2:56
contacts and sexual contact of some form
2:59
allow for your relationship to continue
3:02
down that track and I and sometimes I
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think that the reason this is really
3:06
common is that
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over time you become complacent and you
3:10
do it less and less and less and the act
3:13
of doing it less means that
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you really kind of fracture yourself
3:18
from that person sexually
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and and then it becomes really difficult
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to tell the difference so for me reading
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that and not knowing a ton of
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information on it
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my advice would be
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that
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if she’s not sure she should find out
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and maybe the way to find out is to have
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a conversation with him and explain that
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um
3:40
she would like them to be more intimate
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and she misses the intimacy and then
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they can go on a kind of 30-day journey
3:46
together where they commit to you know
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whether it’s three times a week or every
3:51
day or whatever they can manage they say
3:53
they say like we’re gonna actually try
3:55
and proactively be intimate
3:58
x amount of times and then see if that
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sort of kickstarts it back a little bit
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and it might be that in the beginning
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she’s not feeling it or it might be that
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after 15 days she’s really not feeling
4:08
it and then you probably have your
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answer
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but
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I think that if there is any hope for it
4:15
to be revived and it isn’t that she’s
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fallen out of love and attraction with
4:18
him
4:19
that could be the thing that revives it
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I I want to add something to that which
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is that
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you we all have to kind of
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learn to be a bit of an expert on what
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turns us on
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and and pay attention to the things that
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do and then
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drop Giant
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honking Clues to your partner about what
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those things are on a regular basis and
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make sure that they’re doing those
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things and it’s you know we so much of
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of
4:58
losing the spark to me is we stop
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listening
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we stopped listening to part of it is
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proximity and we just get very close and
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when you’re around someone all the time
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it’s just easy to lose the spark isn’t
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it it’s easy to go you know to get dull
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on anything that you’re around too much
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all the time you can lose that thing
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that makes it
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feel special and mysterious and even
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challenging you know I lose that that
5:25
element of wanting to grab onto
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something if it’s always in your lap
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there’s nothing to grab onto
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so some of it is proximity but it’s also
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we we stop listening to each other
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you know we we gradually start to you
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know when we get into a relationship we
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started by going on dates and getting
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dressed up for each other and and at a
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certain point you stopped doing that and
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and it’s not just you wonder why you’re
5:50
less attracted to them because they’re
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in their pajamas all the time literally
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or you know metaphorically
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it’s also that you are
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and when we’re in our pajamas we don’t
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feel sexy either
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you know at the very Act of getting
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dressed up and going on a date and
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feeling a certain way makes us want to
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have sex more
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and sometimes we stop doing that when we
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feel like we can stop trying so there’s
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part of it that we need to try
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more and put ourselves in a sexy mood
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and a sexy mindset part of it is
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dropping Clues as to how they can do it
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more
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and what they can do if you notice like
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oh weirdly these days I kind of am
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attracted to this kind of outfit or to
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when you do this or there was some weird
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thing you did the other day that caught
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me off guard and was kind of interesting
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follow that and encourage it in the
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other person don’t expect them to be a
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mind reader don’t expect them to figure
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out three years into a relationship how
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to newly turn you on learn how to learn
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what newly turns you on
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and then find tactful ways
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to get them doing those things dressing
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that way do you know encourage those
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little behaviors or those those
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surprising things they can do
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uh and that’s a real gift to your
7:13
partner and it’s tight and what it does
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is it takes responsibility
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for
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bringing that sexuality and that spark
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and that chemistry back into the
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relationship and if after some time of
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doing that you realize that wow you
7:29
really have just become friends
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then that’s a different story you you
7:33
can address what that means and whether
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that’s something that is tenable for you
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long term or not but but I would say
7:41
that take responsibility first
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for bringing that element back into the
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relationship instead of hoping that it
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will change on its own
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and then if it’s not working you can
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assess the bigger decisions yeah I think
Hail Marys
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if you’re if you’re truly wondering if
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you should end it then it’s worth
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experimenting quite a bit first like go
8:03
ahead and throw some Hail Marys I mean
8:05
yeah I think
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I three three quick pieces of advice one
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is workout
8:10
with with your partner or alone but make
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sure he knows that you’re working out
8:14
that’s such good advice think about how
8:16
important what I’m about to say must be
8:18
for me to interrupt my own video well
8:21
here’s why it’s important it’s going to
8:23
change your love life and it’s free if
8:26
you want to know why someone may have
8:27
faded out why they may have disappeared
8:29
why all of a sudden it felt like the
8:31
momentum was lost with this person go to
8:34
why he’s gone.com where I talk about the
8:38
main reasons someone disappears go check
8:41
it out why he’s gone.com and now let’s
8:45
go back to the video go to the gym
8:47
together but like you know do your
8:50
separate things but to be seen improving
8:53
yourself separately can just be he can
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be looking at you from a distance and be
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kind of turned on or you’re just feeling
8:58
a little bit better about yourself you
9:00
might be a little bit more turned on
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there’s also I think just literally a a
9:04
chemical effect that you work out and
9:07
it’s just you know boosts testosterone
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and it you know it it just the act of
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working out itself what it does
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physiologically to us primes us to to be
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more in that gear 100 if it it might
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even out your hormones but it might for
9:22
him for a guy who’s in a long-term
9:24
relationship he might need a boost of
9:25
testosterone he takes a boxing boxing
9:28
class or something it might help him out
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and it’s funny because we just did a we
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just did an episode about porn and we
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said that we pretty much said like
9:36
probably should could get by with less
9:38
porn but if you’re gonna throw Hail Mary
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why not just like okay introduce a
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little bit of porn and see if there’s
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something there if you guys watch it
9:47
together I like that concept of a
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certain point
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why not be more experimental because
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what do you have to lose
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even if it surprises someone and they’re
10:00
like well like that that may initially
10:03
catch them off guard and it might even
10:05
make them a bit defensive but it also
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reintroduces a sense of mystery into the
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relationship too
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and that that in itself can be an
10:14
aphrodisiac to be like well I feel like
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I know you a little less today and if
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you’re gonna end up having these
10:19
conversations that you’re talking about
10:20
Audrey
10:22
um that might be a good way to get into
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it because instead of just starting with
10:25
like let’s get intimate and discuss our
10:29
intimacy issues and let’s set a schedule
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to try to have sex once a day or three
10:33
times a week or whatever the schedule is
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that’s not very sexy I think if it
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starts with like a Hail Mary and that
10:39
gets the conversation going like oh that
10:42
was kind of like fun and different like
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yeah we should we aren’t like actually
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doing this the same way we used to we I
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don’t know do you want to like do this
10:50
again sometime I don’t know I’m just
10:52
open to it and then you can begin those
10:55
conversations rather than you know
10:57
making it a little bit clinical about
10:59
these decisions I I totally agree
The Sexy Elephant
11:03
um
11:05
I also want to
11:09
like I think it’s important to address
11:11
how you know if if the sex isn’t going
11:14
well between two people there’s my
11:17
friends and I used to call it the sexy
11:19
elephant in the room we coined it years
11:20
ago because it’s like this real thing
11:22
where you know if
11:25
you’re not having sex or you’re not
11:27
enjoying sex or whatever and you’re both
11:29
kind of aware of it because both both
11:31
parties are you know if it’s like used
11:32
to have sex every day and now you do it
11:34
once a month like no one’s unaware of
11:36
that it becomes this elephant in a room
11:38
that no one wants to talk about because
11:39
it’s awkward it’s embarrassing you don’t
11:43
want to hurt feelings and it just
11:45
becomes this really very toxic thing
11:48
actually that’s unaddressed more than
11:50
hurt feelings it it kind of becomes this
11:53
complicit
11:54
thing like neither of us
11:57
are in that mood so like we’re both not
12:00
mentioning it because it serves us to
12:01
not mention it yeah or one person’s not
12:04
in a mood and the other person has been
12:05
rejected one too many times to keep
12:07
trying and I think that
12:10
you know
12:12
it’s really important not to let that
12:14
that’s a very Insidious thing in
12:16
relationships that happens and I think
12:19
you’re totally right Jay like the
12:21
communication needs to be light it can’t
12:22
be like scheduling daily sex at 6 p.m
12:26
meet me there so we can have our 20
12:27
minutes daily sex like obviously that’s
12:30
not right but I do think opening up
12:33
communication if you’re in a committed
12:35
relationship or you really love the
12:36
person instead of making it this kind of
12:40
secret
12:42
um
12:43
like I said the sexy elephant in the
12:45
room
12:45
opening it up in a way where you are
12:48
going I want us to have more sex you
12:50
know I really miss we used to have sex
12:52
all the time and I really missed that
12:53
like you know I think we should try this
12:55
I think we should do that it’s as long
12:58
as it’s coming from a playful
12:59
adventurous excited place I think these
13:02
conversations are really important
13:04
because they’re it’s important to state
13:06
that it’s not happening because you
13:09
almost the moment you communicate it
13:11
that breaks down and that’s a really
13:12
good thing
13:13
so I think that’s just I just can
13:16
imagine in that situation half of the
13:19
problem being that nobody wants to talk
13:20
about the fact that no one’s having sex
13:22
and then it becomes the bigger problem
13:24
of the relationship and then no sex
13:27
happens and then it just grows and grows
13:29
and grows and that’s over time it just
13:31
becomes irreparable I’d just say maybe
13:33
try a couple Hail Marys before that Hail
13:35
Mary too because so much of
13:39
you just get in your head about it right
13:42
and like so much of sex is the best sex
13:45
you’re not really thinking about it you
13:47
know and how are you gonna not think
13:48
about that pink sexy elephant in the
13:50
room if I’m just talking about the if I
13:52
mention the pink sexy elephant no you
13:54
don’t say there’s a sexy elephant in the
13:55
room pink and also would say it’s surely
13:58
it’s an unsexier no we used to say we
14:01
used to say like come along and like
14:03
swing his trunk and be like
14:05
well that sounds like a good thing man
14:08
this is more of a blocking elephant
14:10
yeah someone having an affair with the
14:13
elephant no no it’s because it’s like
14:16
the elephant is sexy and it’s in the
14:18
room and it’s the thing you’re not
14:20
having so it’s like standing out to you
14:22
I feel like if an elephant was that sexy
14:23
you’d want to talk about it I I feel
14:26
like that the elephant in the room is
14:27
sort of like it’s more of an Eeyore that
14:29
we’re like we don’t want to talk about
14:30
this because this is not going well
14:34
you’re missing the point you’re missing
14:37
the voice no but I would just I would
14:39
say be a little bit guys egos are so
14:43
wrapped up into this if you suddenly
14:44
bring up the fact like oh yeah I’m not
14:47
satisfied in the bedroom let’s now
14:49
satisfy me in the bedroom he’s gonna be
14:50
like oh like in his head he’s gonna
14:53
not be able to think no I agree but I do
14:56
think saying like ah like I remember
14:58
when we did this like it was so fun I
15:02
miss and you know you can be in that
15:03
moment you can touch them and you can
15:05
almost be very much like you try and
15:07
almost stoke the fire and the Flames a
15:11
little bit because I think that I guess
15:13
my point I totally agree with you Jay
15:14
there’s like so many wrong ways to bring
15:16
it up that will absolutely Hinder and
15:20
like damage the whole thing further
15:22
um but I do think I’m speaking more in
15:24
terms of her question which is very much
15:26
I’m trying to identify whether the
15:28
sexual spark is gone forever and I’ve
15:31
fallen out of love or whether there’s
15:32
something I can do about it right and I
15:36
sometimes think if she’s gotten her head
15:37
about the fact that she doesn’t want to
15:39
have sex with him
15:41
half of that will be because she hasn’t
15:43
been able to communicate
15:45
that to him in any way so throwing hell
15:48
marries if she’s the one who doesn’t
15:50
fancy it might actually be
15:53
like it’s it’s it’s a good idea and I
15:56
think she should do it but I think
15:58
almost
15:59
kind of getting eliminating the fear and
16:02
the and all of the kind of the heaviness
16:04
that she’s feeling around it and having
16:05
a real connected conversation about it
16:07
that isn’t serious and that isn’t doing
16:09
that just more from a kind of looking
16:13
back and going like you know that was
16:15
really fun I want to do that again I
16:17
really miss that I think that’s a really
16:18
that creates intimacy and it’s
16:20
communication is
16:21
at the heart of every functioning couple
16:24
in every Department well I think it’s
16:26
somewhere between the two right the
16:28
communication is super important and and
16:30
in your case you’re saying you could
16:31
look backwards and reference things
16:33
you’ve enjoyed doing before and you miss
16:34
it and you want to do it again you could
16:36
also look forwards and say here’s
16:38
something I’d love to try with you or
16:40
this is something that’s like on my mind
16:42
as a fantasy with you I’d love to do it
16:43
what’s your fantasy that’s all a version
16:46
of communication it’s just about the
16:49
communication that doesn’t wreck
16:52
someone’s ego in the process and and I
16:54
think both points are true I do think
16:56
though that and I agree with you but I
16:57
do think that if she’s the one who’s
16:59
struggling I don’t know how he is
17:01
feeling but if she’s the one who’s
17:02
struggling to want to do it he needs to
17:05
know that to a degree there’s obviously
17:07
he doesn’t need to know that it’s in his
17:09
entirety because that would be really
17:10
damaging but it is up to him to have
17:13
that information so he can fix it too
17:14
rather than her constantly being like
17:17
let’s try this let’s try that when she’s
17:18
not in the mood for it because that’s
17:20
actually going to be fair the
17:22
detrimental it needs to be something
17:23
where they work together on it I think
17:25
yes I agree but she’s got to be so
17:28
careful
17:29
because if she says if she does get to
17:32
the point of saying like I’m not some
17:35
version of I’m not turned on
17:37
it’s hard for him to come back from
17:40
like it’s hard for him to suddenly go
17:43
into sexy mode
17:45
because it feels like such a giant risk
17:48
at that point because if I if I like
17:51
try to go into sexy mode now and it
17:54
doesn’t work
17:55
it’s I’m shattered I think I have a
17:58
litmus test for this which it just ask
litmus test
18:01
yourself before you make any of these
18:03
moves is this gonna be is it going to
18:06
add pressure is it going to be a
18:07
pressure valve sometimes talking about
18:09
it can be a pressure valve and let it
18:11
out let it out a little bit sometimes it
18:13
can add pressure which is like I’m not
18:16
I’m sorry I’m not I’m not in the mood I
18:18
haven’t been in the mood for a long time
18:19
or you know you could say
18:21
I feel like it’s taken me like like I
18:23
have it’s taken me longer to get into
18:25
the sexy mood let’s make out a little
18:27
bit more or something or whatever
18:28
whatever that is that kind of just
18:30
relieves the pressure pressure and
18:33
sexiness doesn’t go well together
18:35
like peanut butter and jam it’s the yes
18:38
and of sex isn’t it really
18:42
like it the the yes and of sex is how do
18:45
I
18:46
create this kind of
18:49
you know I want that’s fine but I’d love
18:53
to do this too or and I and I’d love to
18:55
do this
18:57
and it would help me if you did this as
19:00
well and I’m excited about the idea of
19:02
trying this and I miss
19:05
this thing we used to do
19:07
what you want if anything this is I
19:09
think the the I guess the point I’m
19:11
trying to make to try and make it
19:12
practical
19:14
you want this person to be in a mindset
19:19
where they’ll take more risks
19:23
and people take more risks when they’re
19:26
feeling reassured or when they’re
19:28
feeling confident when they’re feeling
19:30
bolder
19:32
they don’t tend to take risks if they
19:34
already feel like they’re in a losing
19:36
position
19:39
so it’s how do I put this person in a
19:41
mindset where they’re actually willing
19:43
to take more risks because more risks is
19:45
what I need from them if they play it
19:47
safer if my if what if my words suddenly
19:50
make them Retreat and make them play it
19:52
even safer than they are now we’re
19:54
doomed
19:56
wait before YouTube sends you down the
19:58
rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
20:01
or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
20:05
golf courses I have something that will
20:08
help your love life more than these
20:09
things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
20:12
you want to know why someone faded out
20:15
why they were giving you attention and
20:16
all of a sudden they stopped this guide
20:18
shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
20:22
then enjoy
20:24
your baby bear videos

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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