A private relationship
Although we were good friends through a shared hobby, I only knew he was married because her name came up quite often.
I had never met his wife and knew very little about her. I had never even seen a picture of them together.
But I often heard about his plans to stay in with her that night, or that they were having dinner at their favorite restaurant, or that she was taking good care of him while he was recovering from an injury.
Her name came up every time I saw him, mostly as he waved goodbye to the group saying that he was off to pick up his wife for their date night.
He was a striking man, the kind any woman would admire in those board shorts and fitted tee.
But he always made a point to ensure everyone knew he was taken by casually mentioning his wife, and he did so soon after meeting new people joining the group.
I had no idea if he was happily married, or whether those subtle shifts in his mood were caused by his home life — all I knew was that he was taken.
Everyone knew that.
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Protecting your relationship
When a relationship is private everybody knows that you are in a committed relationship with your person, but the couple doesn’t share many details about that relationship.
They may not post pictures of each other or talk about the things they do together. They may be discreet and hold those details for one-on-one conversations, versus posting them widely on social media.
Sometimes people don’t talk about their relationship because they are private people.
Others intentionally stay silent to protect it. Here’s why.
What people know about your relationship can be used to break you up.
Being open about your relationship problems, concerns, and frustrations with a man who is a viable replacement can be like giving away the instructional manual on how to win your heart because they’ll know exactly what you are starving for and will hand it right to you.
Keeping things private is essential to protecting a relationship you are serious about.
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When a relationship is a secret
Two days after filing for divorce, she met a man who quickly became her next boyfriend. Not wanting to upset her soon-to-be ex, she insisted that they keep the new relationship a secret for a while — no need for anyone to know that she had moved on so quickly.
And so he remained simply as “Joe from Pickleball” and nothing more. They both hid their relationship masterfully in public, but privately, were practically living together.
Four months later, she hears a bit of gossip that turns her blood cold.
“I heard that Joe finally hooked up with Mollie. I guess they are together now?”
Only then did she realize that she was the last person to notice what was brewing between Joe and Mollie because she intentionally acted like they weren’t a couple. They purposefully didn’t spend much time interacting at Pickleball — she did her own thing while he did his.
Apparently he was spending more time at Pickleball with Mollie than she realized.
That night Joe broke up with her to be with Mollie.
As things unraveled in utter chaos, she learned that Mollie never would have engaged Joe had she known he was already taken. All Mollie knew was that he wanted to keep things quiet because he was a very private person who didn’t want people in his business.
Major red flag right there.
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Danger Zone
When a relationship is a secret, nobody knows that you are involved with this person, and the relationship is kept completely secret. And the intention is to make sure that nobody knows about it.
And there’s usually a reason for that.
A couple may keep a new relationship discreet until they both know that it is solid and official and therefore, something that they can confidently share. Which is valid. But that’s temporary and short-lived.
When you keep a relationship a secret, it keeps the door open for other people to slip in and edge one of you out.
Keeping a relationship a secret means that one — or both — are fair game.
You cannot blame people for going after your partner when they believe your person is “fair game”.
When you don’t want anyone interfering in your relationship, you make it clear that you are committed to your person so that others respect it.
If you don’t respect your relationship, no one else will.
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But we’re still figuring things out
I get it. The relationship isn’t stable, or you’re working through things. Lots of people are in “off and on” situations.
People are going to be nosy and curious and intrigued. Sometimes it’s out of hope — we all love watching a great love story unfold.
But sometimes that love story unfolds like a crumpled paper that gets tossed and retrieved, flattened out, stomped on, and then smoothed out and cleaned off.
Some relationships are messy like a bad reality show.
That doesn’t mean you have to talk about it. If people ask, you can easily evade it with “Why do you ask?” and then change the subject or deflect.
If pushed, simply convey that you prefer not to discuss your relationships.
The most important conversation you must have is with your person. Be on the same page with what you are — or are not — telling people.
And more importantly, why.
Maybe you both agree to keep a new relationship secret from your grandmother because she would have conniptions if she knew your partner was 30 years your senior and on the “Do Not Fly” list.
Any reason you have for keeping a relationship quiet should be a temporary one.
If you work together and one of you is looking for a new job or a transfer to avoid any conflict of interest, it would be wise to exercise discretion until that change is made.
But here’s the brutal reality.
Most people want to keep a relationship secret for a reason that only serves them — not the relationship.
A secret relationship means that at least one person already has one foot out the door. At the very least, one eye on the exit door.
Don’t get fooled on this one.
Be transparent with others about your availability and status — and keep the relationship itself private.
🙋🏻♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Hendo Wang on Unsplash
