It’s All I Can Do During this Next Stage of Parenting

Last week, I took my girls and went to NC to see my son who is in the US Army. We all miss him so much. He was our steady, our rock…the man of the house. When he left, there was nothing, and has been nothing since, to take his place. It’s a big, gaping hole.

So, when we can, we go see him. And now, we go see his wife and dog as well. Just more fun for us!

We arrived and I, as usual, just sink in and relax. Finally, my kids are together. Finally, I can breathe. I don’t need to be in the middle of anything. I don’t need to orchestrate anything. I just cook dinner and enjoy the banter, the laughter, and the silliness. It’s the best.

When I woke up the next morning, I took the dog out into the backyard and just enjoyed the morning for a few minutes. But I noticed that there were weeds in the landscaping. I also noticed that they needed some new mulch put down and that some new flowers would look really nice, the hosta needed splitting, and the edging was coming up in places. Yeah, I’m that mom.

I don’t have handyman skills. Power tools and I are not friends. I don’t even paint. But I can clean, cook, and landscape like there is no tomorrow. So, that’s what I do.

When the girls got up and played with the dog for a bit, we went to Lowe’s. My son and his wife were already gone at work…so this was our chance NOT to miss anything with them and still do something useful while we were there.

As we checked out, my daughter noticed the total amount due as I inserted my chip card. She said, “Mama, you know Sam and Beatrix (names changed) make more money than you’ve ever made. They have a savings account and retirement accounts. You’ve never had those either. Why are you buying all this? They can do it themselves, if they want to.”

In the moment, I just brushed her off, saying, “I’m the mom here”, winking at her.

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But, on the long, quiet drive home, while they slept, I had loads of time to think.

…

As a single mom, I don’t have much. In fact, what I do have is dwindling. With CPTSD, I spend most of what I make taking care of my own health and the health of my kids. With the rest I buy groceries. Then…I tap into what is left of the refinancing of my house last year, after the divorce (when I had to leave it and rent it due to it being too expensive).

I don’t like how things are, financially, for myself. At all. It is terrifying at best and definitely disrupts my sleep, my daytimes, my ability to focus and do homework, and everything else. I work really hard at not letting it alter my parenting at all. My children have suffered enough.

So, why do I spend money on my son and his family that I “shouldn’t” spend? Well, this little bit of effort and the money it requires is simply all I can do. I can use just a bit of my resources and make their living space more beautiful. I can plant flowers and set up birdfeeders, weed the rocky area, and put down mulch. I can do that.

Because there is so much I cannot do…I do this.

I can’t help care, daily, for the child that is being born in a few short months. I can’t stay with my daughter-in-law to buffer her sadness when my son is away. I can’t make so much of their pain and anxiety go away. There is so little I can do.

I can talk on the phone with them, send them texts, and send care boxes for my daughter-in-law when I know my son is away. I can help support her in her projects while he is gone as well. But, in the end, my influence is limited.

…

I don’t want to be in their lives every day. I’ve never been one of those parents. But, I do want to make sure they know they are loved deeply, every day, all day. I want them to know that I am thinking about them, that I miss them, and that I want all of the good things in life for them.

It’s hard being so far away. But, it’s what it is. The grief of missing my son is just too big some days. Rather, the grief of having my kids together is just too big some days. I gave so much of my life to them for so long that everything else feels meaningless at times.

I’ll find my center again, someday.

But, no matter what, I’ll still do what I can do.

Because the thought of them driving up their driveway to a handful of rose bushes, flowers, new mulch, and a tidied-up yard makes me happy. And my happiness matters, fleeting as it can be at times.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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