I think it is wildly important to take personal responsibility for things. If you deny what you are contributing to a problem, that is only going to grow the problem big time. However, I also believe there are times that things you feel shame about are not your fault. You have to intentionally choose how to respond and how to overcome, but it is not your fault that you got stuck in this predicament. From what I have experienced in my life and seen in the lives of those I love, these are my opinions.
“It’s not your fault.” – Sean to Will in Good Will Hunting
Being treated in an abusive way by people close to you, especially when you were a small child, is not your fault. You were not weak. You were not inferior. You were not not enough. You were not asking for it. You were not supposed to think up some brilliant solution to everyone else’s pain. You were not supposed be smarter or stronger or faster. You were a small child doing the best with what you had. Adults and other figures bigger than you became self absorbed in their own problems to the point they chose to make you suffer. It was completely unjust.
It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay that you still perceive the circumstances the way you did as a small child. It’s also okay to be at peace with yourself no matter how voices, whether internal memories or those connected to condescending mouths of people in your present life, continue to criticize you.
Being bullied is not your fault. I just saw a headline to an article about suicide prevention that featured these happy looking photos that turned out to be the last photo taken of each young victim. Sometimes when you are bullied, you receive well intentioned advice about how to fit in better, how to act like it doesn’t hurt you, etc. But then you take that advice and the bullying only continues, sometimes even getting worse since you just freshly dared to try something new against the bully’s wishes but now the bully is empowered by your fail. Sometimes it seems like the bullying victim is given the blame and/or the expectation that they should resolve the bullying because it is easier to deal with them than for anyone to have to confront the bully and those related to the bully.
I don’t have any great solutions. I just know that what has worked for me is to get over blaming myself, to appreciate kindnesses shown to me, and to look to God to somehow bring me to happier moments. I have looked and looked in hindsight trying to figure out how I could have done better with certain circumstances and I just don’t see an answer.
I think in some ways that is the answer. I did my best and my best was really good and it just happens that other people chose to be their worst and I crossed paths with them when they were miserable. Also, I did get to make it to a happier moment where I met people who showed me what it is like to be accepted, to be acknowledged as okay enough to fit in, and I got to know that even if I have absolutely no clue of how it will happen something unexpectedly good can indeed happen to me.
It can happen to you too. And it’s not your fault if you have a hard time believing that. Good things are going to happen to you and you don’t have to be ready for them or pressure yourself to prepare for them, they will happen to you anyway. You’ve got this!
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