It’s Ok To Change Your Mind About Love

I used to treat ideas and beliefs like a marriage. Once you had committed to a certain way of thinking, that was it, til death do you part.

I thought if I expressed an opinion on something and later disagreed, it would make me some kind of hypocrite. So, I held steadfast to my outward beliefs, rooted mostly in my upbringing, and ignored the inner voice that was screaming at me to open my eyes and realise the world was so much bigger.

Now, in my 30’s, I change my mind frequently. Why? Because I learn something new every day, and the world never looks the same as it did the day before.

My problem is, because I have been so rigidly opinionated in the past, my new found open-mindedness is confusing for those who are close to me. Especially the ones that I used to agree with on certain matters, who I now find myself wholeheartedly disagreeing with.

Without doubt, the subjects I have made the most substantial shifts on, are love and marriage. And boy, do I wish I figured it out sooner.

I cringe at how judgemental I used to be of anyone that didn’t follow the ‘standard’ path of marriage and monogamy.

It’s only now that I’m realising that embracing alternative views and arrangements could save a whole lot of pain. I used to believe in things like soulmates and true love, and maybe I still do, but more than that I believe that it’s both unhealthy and impossible for two people to meet all the needs of the other person, forever.

People change. And as they grow, their needs and priorities shift. My husband and I are not the same two people we were when we met 11 years ago. We were kids, for goodness sake. Starry-eyed, immature, carefree dreamers.

These days we are tired, hard working adults and parents. The rose-tinted honeymoon phase has long-since made way for the not-so-rosy reality of adulthood. As a result, we have less space to give the parts of ourselves we used to sacrifice for the sake of the other person.

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I used to believe, as a wife or partner, it was essential for me to endure things I didn’t enjoy in order to please my spouse. And while this is true on some level, constantly forcing yourself into difficult or uncomfortable situations for the sake of your partner is a one-way ticket to resentment-town.

My husband and I connect on many levels, obviously, we’re married. But we also disconnect on a lot of things as well. For example, he is an extroverted, energetic, outdoors kind of guy, while I am an introverted homebody.

In years past, I would set aside all of my discomfort and anxiety to do things he was interested in, like go camping or bushwalking. And while I haven’t completely hated every expedition, for the most part, I’ve finished the activity thinking “Is that my quota for the month? How long before I’m forced to do something like that again to tick the ‘good wife’ box?”

He feels the same about weekends spent inside on the couch watching Netflix. It’s difficult for him, he would do it on occasion because he knew I liked it, but I could tell by his mood at the end of the day he wasn’t enjoying himself, and dare I say, resenting me for robbing him of time doing something he does enjoy.

I know I’ve felt that way.

These things aren’t a huge deal, as you grow you realise that you’re better off keeping these things apart and just doing the things together you enjoy equally.

So, what about when this applies to sex and intimacy?

Differing needs and desires, and two people who love each other but are unable to fulfil each other?

We’ve always been woefully mismatched in the sex department. And I carry a lot of guilt because for a long time, I acted like my drive was a lot higher than it was because I believed that’s what I had to do in order to be in a ‘real relationship’.

But then life happens and you can no longer muster up the part of yourself that is willing to participate in sex purely for the pleasure of someone else.

I would’ve considered this a deal breaker once. But now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure I believe that it would be the worst thing in the world to have those needs met outside of the relationship as long as the communication lines are open and honest and love and trust are the foundations.

It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around, but the logical part of my brain keeps telling me that seems like a far more preferable scenario to ‘sexless and miserable’.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I believe my husband and I will never have sex again. But I know I have a lot of work to do and a lot of trauma to overcome to be ready, and he’s already waited a long time. And even then, our compatibility is mismatched. I’ve recently started identifying as “asexual(ish)” meaning I don’t hate sex, but I’ve never really needed it to feel satisfied. If we force it prematurely, the damage will be irreparable and we both know it. But if the ‘dry spell’ continues, that will start to erode the foundations as well.

Apart from the lack of sex, our relationship and life is better than good. We get along, we enjoy spending time together, we have affection and love for one another, we have a beautiful daughter, great jobs, a nice house…

If there wasn’t a flashing neon sign above our bedhead saying “You’re not having sex!” life would be pretty darn near perfect.

Thankfully, the communication lines are way open. And although we haven’t reached a solution, we are understanding each other more than we ever have. And above all, I’m thankful that I’m not so firmly planted in my rigid, past ways of thinking, that I’m letting it dictate my future.

My mind is open to all possibilities for ensuring a future together, and that’s a start.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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