Three and a half years ago, my husband left me.
Since then, he’s suggested several times coming back. I’ve told him no. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly hoping for a different result. I’m not insane. Why would I want to repeat a marriage that failed?
That being said, I’m friendly with him. Not intimate or close, but I’ll meet him for coffee or lunch once a month and enjoy it.
Part of this is because we share memories that I don’t share with anyone else.
While there were unhappy parts of our marriage, there were also some really great experiences we shared.
For example, we took a couple of amazing vacations with my parents. We went to Paris and to the Grand Canyon, as well as taking them all over Colorado. Since my father has passed away, these memories have become more poignant and precious to me. My ex is the one person, besides Mom, who remembers how Dad laughed when he won at cards or how much he loved to hold our cat Snoopy in his lap.
That’s another thing to reminisce about — our cat, Snoopy. She passed away a couple of years before we separated. She was 21 years old and we both loved her dearly. We can laugh as we share stories about her exploits.
These are the main reasons I’m glad I still have my ex in my life.
Of course, I could not amicably get together with him if I had not forgiven him. I have.
But my mother does not.
I am her child, and mothers have a hard time forgiving those who hurt their children.
It’s not just my mom, either. I have friends who have not forgiven my ex. Again, sometimes it’s harder to forgive someone who has hurt someone you care about.
Today I mentioned my ex to my mom and she made an angry comment, then looked immediately ashamed. My mother is an incredibly sweet person. She almost never shows anger.
I told her it was OK.
It’s OK to be angry, and it’s OK to have a hard time forgiving.
I do think that it’s important to remove bitterness from your heart, to not dwell on the hurt. But my mother doesn’t do that. When she’s met my ex since the divorce, she’s always behaved politely.
But she used to treat him like a son, and she doesn’t do that anymore.
My ex has told me that he never realized just how much he had until it was gone. He’s told me that as much as he misses me, he almost misses my mom more, because his own parents are gone and she treated him with motherly love and nurturing.
There is a Spanish proverb that makes that point — “Take what you want and pay for it, says God”.
My husband has made his choices, now he must live with it. My mother has made hers. And that’s OK.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Walter Gadea on Unsplash