January Divorce Month: Why Do Today’s Men End up Divorced?

“I was doing what I thought a modern man is supposed to do,” a man told me. “And I ended up divorced and didn’t understand why.”

January is called Divorce Month as it’s often the month when the highest number of divorces are initiated. A 2015 study published by the American Sociological Association reported that 69 per cent of divorces are initiated by women.

Money, infidelity, abuse, addiction and communication are often cited as common causes of divorce. But in researching a relationship advice book for men, I found a lot of men who, like the man quoted above, said these common causes didn’t come close to applying to their breakups. They were surprised their wives wanted to end the marriage and were struggling to understand why.

They thought they were being the kind of men today’s women wants. They worked hard to provide for their families. They believe in gender equality. They were not abusive, controlling, addicts or womanizers. They liked to communicate with their wives. They helped with housework and were involved fathers who changed diapers, gave their children baths and read them stories when they put them to bed.

They embraced today’s ideas about masculinity as well as the messages they heard in our popular culture about being a good husband – i.e. listen to your wife and do what she says. Their wives took charge of running the home and made most of the decisions. When their wives asked for their input – especially on a decision that wasn’t important to them, they’d say, “Whatever you want.”

Who can blame them for being surprised when they thought they were doing the right thing? Why, then, did their wives lose respect for these men and want to divorce them?

These men were also surprised when I told them that what they were doing that they thought made them good husbands was one of the reasons their wives lost respect for them.

They didn’t understand how frustrated their wives were with always having to plan and take charge of all of the day-to-day responsibilities and problems at home. These men didn’t understand how important it was that they do their share of taking charge at home and to not leave all these responsibilities to their wives.

I told them that a divorced woman told me, “Always having to tell my husband what to do made me feel like I was married to a five-year-old child. When there was a challenging situation, I wanted my husband to take charge of it. Instead he waited for me to deal with it.”

I also explained that their wives wanted a man who could make a decision and become fed up when he always says, “Whatever you want.”

As another women told me, “When I would ask for my husband’s input on a decision, he didn’t say anything. He waited for me to decide everything. And then he couldn’t understand why we drifted apart.”

I coached the men that when they see a situation involving their home or family that needs to be dealt with, they should step forward with a plan to handle it. If they want input from their wives on their plan, ask for it – but not having any plan to suggest and always asking her what to do can lead her to lose respect. And when she asks for input on a decision, listen to her question and give input – even if the question isn’t that important.

One man said, “I now see the mistakes I made. Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?” A lot of men said that if they had known this when they were married, they probably wouldn’t be divorced. They now share it with friends who also didn’t understand why their wives lost respect for them. It may reduce the risk of being a January – or other month – divorce statistic.

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