5 Toxic Behaviors That Aren’t Obviously Toxic

When gauging a person’s character, I always tell myself: Don’t listen to what people say. Look at what they do. And look at what they’ve done repeatedly.

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I have a friend I admire a lot. He’s a doctor and a businessman. Charming, with a dark sense of humor. And he’s a good person deep inside. He’s not just faking it, like a politician or a Ted Bundy.

In almost a decade of friendship, I witnessed my friend’s long history of good deeds. He’s created community projects that helped underprivileged people. And he assists family members and valued friends when they need help; sometimes even at the cost of his financial and physical well-being.

And despite his busy schedule, he still has a life: We go out, now and then. And I’d find from others about the beach and road trips he occasionally indulges in. So I doubt he lacks the capability to say no to people.

But as I read Robert Greene’s Laws of Human Nature, I realized he actually exhibited signs of a toxic personality that we don’t often see.

1. The Hyperperfectionist

Over time, I saw that my doctor friend doesn’t rely on other people at all.

I can understand where he’s coming from. Their family business used to have a lot of bad debt. Eventually, his mother lost a lot of money on bad investments. And he took over.

In time, their family business flourished under his management. And he completely controlled everything. That sounds good, right? When we have to take charge because no one else is capable, then it’s all for the best.

But this can turn into a habit. And we might consistently do it even when there’s no need.

Since my doctor friend has a lot on his plate, I once suggested that he delegate some of his work to other people. Like, he could at least get a secretary! But he couldn’t trust other people to get things done in the same quality that he would. So he’d rather do everything himself. He’s “competent enough” to do everything anyway, he says.

Greene says this about Hyperfectionists;

They cannot delegate tasks; they have to oversee everything. It is less about high standards and dedication to the group than about power and control.

Such people often have dependency issues… Any feeling that they might have to depend on someone for something opens up old wounds and anxieties.

2. The Relentless Rebel

Back in college, I had a professor who had a very sharp tongue and an even sharper wit. She was the cool professor who rarely bowed to school policy.

But as I went into the corporate world and dealt with various kinds of successful people, I started to wonder why my former professor didn’t venture much outside academia. Like, why hasn’t she involved herself in larger enterprises?

Maybe she preferred university life. But why isn’t she participating in more international academic ventures? Or publishing a book? Why isn’t she… expanding her horizons? Especially when she’s so proud of her expertise and experience?

I’ve seen these similar traits with sharp-tongued corporate executives who held the same position for decades.

Their positions are high enough that they’re financially comfortable and professionally settled. But they seem to refuse the challenges of starting something new or different — this requires humility and the conscious drive for self-improvement. And if you’re in a position where people treat you like a demigod, why bother?

As Greene says, these people use their rebelliousness mostly to assert their feelings of superiority and control. Their relationships can end on very bad terms too since they tend to burn bridges with their acidic insults.

3. The Savior

I have a confession. All the women I’ve been sexually and romantically involved with come from broken families. All of them. (Except the one-night stand. I don’t know about her family situation so I’m not sure).

Both my parents are still together and I’ve only seen them fight once. So I don’t know how or why I attract women who have separated parents. I don’t even know my dates’ family situation when I meet them. It comes up only after we’ve become closer and more intimate.

But after the 8th woman told me about her absentee father, I had to face the truth: There is a pattern. Maybe I’m naturally attracted to women with daddy issues. Or women with daddy issues are prone to get attracted to me. I still don’t know.

The more important question: Am I attracted to these people because, deep inside, I want to “save” them?

Greene says this about The Savior;

They gain their greatest satisfaction from rescuing people, from being the caregiver and savior. But you can detect the compulsive aspect of this behavior by their need to control you.

When my 5-year ex and I broke up, it was mainly because we weren’t growing together. I was also trying to make her grow at a rate she wasn’t ready yet.

We all want the best for our loved ones. And the hard lesson I learned with my 5-year ex is that sometimes, the people we love might learn better in our absence. You can’t force someone to grow. And in certain cases, the best you can do for them is leave.

Maybe I’m not The Savior. But it’s probably because if I find myself constantly badgering someone to improve — I consciously tell myself to stop.

I’ve learned that most of the time, you can leave people to their own devices. And they’ll be fine without you. Even if that’s something your ego doesn’t want to hear.

4. The Personalizer

There is an old man in our village who voluntarily cleans the sidewalks regularly. He’s nice and all.

We had lunch at his house one time. It was his birthday. We found ourselves sharing drinks and stories on his balcony.

He said he came from a poor, rural village. Barely in his teens, he went to Metro Manila for a job. He became a servant to a prominent political family. He worked for them for years. He says the family took care of him well, even paid for his university education. And they got him a job in the cruise line industry where he rose through the ranks. He retired a few years ago.

Had I never seen him again and never known him more, I probably would’ve thought he’s an old man enjoying his retirement after living a difficult life.

But as Greene says;

These people seem so sensitive and thoughtful, a rare and nice quality. What you come to realize later on is that their sensitivity really only goes in one direction — inward. They are prone to take everything that people say or do as personal. As they get older, everything tends to remind them of what they didn’t get.

The old man started having problems with his neighbors.

Several neighbors once joked about his sidewalk-cleaning skills. I personally found the joke good-natured, inoffensive. But over time, as the neighbors talked about other stuff with him, he started finding “hidden meanings.” As if everything other people say is about him. Especially when these are negative.

5. The Easy Moralizer

Greene also cautions against people who passionately express outrage over a bit of injustice here and there. He says these people are secretly drawn toward what they condemn.

This is likely why some religious people do highly unreligious things. Or why incels (involuntary celibates; people who hate women because they’re not getting laid) slut-shame people with multiple sexual partners.

In her book, Origins of Totalitarianism, 20th-century philosopher Hannah Arendt argued that loneliness makes people more susceptible to extremism and violence;

What prepares men for totalitarian domination in the non-totalitarian world is the fact that loneliness, once a borderline experience usually suffered in certain marginal social conditions like old age, has become an everyday experience of the ever-growing masses of our century.

Basically, it’s easier to adopt all-or-nothing views when one is cut from empathetic social contact.

In the absence of healthy relationships, lonely people lose their grounding. And they start seeing themselves as destined saviors of society. Or hapless victims who are entitled to “strike back” against their oppressors. Just look at incels who kill people out of sexual frustration.

The Laws of Human Nature are “simple and inexorable.”

You have a set character. It was formed out of elements that predate your conscious awareness. From deep within you, this character compels you to repeat actions, strategies, and decisions.

Does this mean we have no control over ourselves or our relationships?

No. It simply means we have to be more self-aware and catch ourselves when we’re exhibiting toxic behavior.

If you’re a Hyperfectionist, learn to rely on other people. If you’re a potential Savior (like me), learn to let people stand on their own feet. If you’re an incel, try to genuinely connect with your date and see them as another complex human being. And so forth.

We have two choices: Ignore our relationship patterns. Or take a deeper look at ourselves and actually take ownership of our lives. We don’t have to keep repeating the same mistakes and strategies that got us nowhere.

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Robert Greene originally identified 10 toxic behaviors. But I think the other 5 are fairly obvious to spot: The Drama Magnet, The Big Talker, The Sexualizer (they sexualize every relationship. Usually creeps with creepy vibes), The Pampered Prince/Princess, and The Pleaser.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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