Jumping From One Relationship to Another Could Cost You Your Life

“There are so many better guys; stop wasting your tears on this one.”

My friends said to me when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. They also asked me to download Tinder and get back into the dating game. It was their way to help me, and I have no complaints.

However, in retrospect, I feel like that was probably the worst breakup advice.

But what else can we expect from 18 years old?

Such sugary responses did help me in sidelining the pain from the heartbreak, but they severely affected my emotional health.

I may not have installed Tinder, but I tried everything I could to keep myself engaged and occupied. Unfortunately, I ended up dating much older guys with nothing in common and got into an even bigger mess.

Apart from dating the wrong men, I tried multiple other things to keep my mind away from the pain. I started my first blog, and I published a book. I changed my career and moved to another city.

Everything was rainbow and unicorn for the initial period.

With everything new around me, it was easier to sideline my emotions. I tied changing everything during that phase. I forgot how changing the surroundings can’t change my heart and what I feel. Even with a 180-degree shift, I was exactly where I was.

Even with a 180-degree shift, I was exactly where I was.

I had done a good enough job hiding my feeling with a new city, new friends, new roomies, and a new career.

But not good enough to heal me from the pain.

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Meeting New People Doesn’t Make You NEW

Once I was adjusted to my new life, I thought of giving dating another try.

I met some mutual friends and went on a couple of blind dates only to feel worse about myself. So I went back to being that person who was insecure and still not over from the pain of a failed relationship.

Meeting other guys would remind me of him.

Listening to Nickelback would take me back to 2011; eating my Chinese with ketchup would transport me to our favorite Chinese eatery.

I had no idea, even after years, and I could mourn the death of our relationship. And the worst part was I felt this bad for a breakup that happened years back.

No amount of new and change helped me get past the pain and healing I was trying to avoid.

It made me think about how I was truly present with the new guys I dated after him. I still don’t know if I was genuinely interested in them or just a way out of solitude. Unfortunately, I still don’t have those answers.

However, it made it evident that I was still dealing with the traumas of my first love. That realization was hard to swallow, but if these many years couldn’t heal and mend my heart, I had to do something about it.

I couldn’t allow a heartbreak from when I was 17 to be the driving force of my life. Being in that relationship for six years and becoming adults together made it the most profound relationship I have had with another human being other than my family.

I knew I had to work extra to forget the extra love we had.

Helping Others Made Me Heal

No, I don’t mean this in an altruistic fashion. But writing about heartbreak and self-love made me look at things differently. As a result, I decided not to date until I ultimately got over this mess I was in.

I spent my days reading, writing, and running.

I listened to endless podcasts and wrote exorbitantly on Quora about relationships, self-love, and emotional well-being.

By trying to teach others about self-love and self-care, I was learning it myself. It was building in public way before it was cooler.

It took me more than a year of heavy work to get my first love out of my system — a year of self-coaching, meditation, prayers, and creating new mental patterns.

I wouldn’t say it was the most daunting period of my life; it was refreshing, to my surprise. I learned about myself more in that one year than I did in 24 years of my existence.

I was no longer anxious; I would no longer weep for no reason.

I started meeting new people again; I started eating Chinese again without thinking about the ketchup. I started listening to Rockstar by Nickelback again without thinking about any guy. I am listening to it while writing this piece. So now, t’s all about me and not him or anybody else.

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It Could Have Cost Me My Life

I often wonder what would happen if I hadn’t given myself enough time to heal and work on myself.

What if I was jumping from one relationship to another? What would happen if the fear of solitude had made me go with the first person I met and settle down with him?

I have friends who are married and with kids and still crying about their first breakup. I could have been in their position.

The anxiety caused by a broken heart is excruciatingly painful, and I don’t wish it to anyone. However, it could have affected my other relationships afterward. And it kind of did for a brief time.

Other than the relationship part, if it weren’t alone, I would have never discovered my love for writing and creating content.

Creativity happens to be my core value, and it has an important place in my life, just like my relationships. But that revelation could happen when I had no anxiety and overthinking taking over my life.

The endless lonely evenings I have spent with myself have given me some fantastic ideas and inspired me to continue exploring the realm of life and art and everything that gives me an oomph.

I have the time and headspace to experiment and go wild with my life; working on these passion projects while having a full-time job is enough to keep me occupied.

It’s the best feeling. To live a life you’re proud of.

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Conclusion

Moving one relationship can make you feel like you’re getting better, but it’s eating you from within. Looking at myself, I have learned that the longer you leave the wound, the worse it gets.

How much time do we give ourselves to deal with the trauma?

Nobody can answer that for you; you’ve got to give yourself enough time to recover and get back to your original self before rushing into another relationship.

Getting ready and meeting someone for coffee or a drink is more straightforward than dealing with our emotions. Choose the hard thing.

As world champion weightlifter, Jerzy Gregorek says

“Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life.”

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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