Just Be

Let it be.

– John Lennon

Anything that you can let be, lets you be.

– Werner Erhard

When I was 8 years old, Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. My childhood was the no-win scenario. Clearly, I wasn’t the son that Dad wanted. I was his biggest disappointment in life. I got that.

I wasn’t good enough for Dad. I wasn’t good enough for anyone, especially me. I couldn’t just be me, because that obviously wasn’t good enough at all. I was so very sad. However, being sad meant that I was weak, too. And Dad despised any kind of weakness.

Instead of sadness, I got angry. I couldn’t get mad at Dad, because that would only end badly for me. So, I got angry at Mom. Mom took all my shit, because she had unconditionally love for me. My greatest regret in life was getting mad at Mom and giving her such a bad time.

In my forties, I apologized to Mom for my thoughtless unkindness. I was the frightened little boy, who didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t safe being me.

When Dad scared me to my soul, Mom said, “Jonny, slow down.” Being 8 years old, young, and stupid, I yelled back, “I know!” Growing older and wiser, I got that Mom was reminding me to calm my soul, that things have a way of working out. Mom reassured, “It’s okay to just be.”

Throughout much of my adult life, I hated on myself. I hated the way I looked; the way I sounded; the way I acted. That voice in my head said, “I’m no good.” The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism is the source of suffering. I was my source of suffering.

The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On the path to end suffering, I trained in Aikido with the late Mizukami Sensei. Sensei taught me Aikido for 25 years until he passed away. Sensei became the father, who taught me to be a good man, be of service to others, and make a difference.

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Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei taught me mushin, the empty mind. Mushin is the foundation of mastery in Aikido, in martial arts, in any discipline. I can only create from mushin, create from nothing.

Sensei said, “Have no preconceived notions.” When the 250-pound man punches to my face, I wait it out. Just be. I enter the attack. I take a glancing blow if I have to. It’s one time. I’m not always to get away scot-free. I empty my mind. Match the attack in my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated. I create my Aikido technique from mushin, from nothing. I recreate me.

Ishibashi Sensei says, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” I enter the attack, enter what I fear. In the center of the attack, I apply the Aikido technique to myself whether that’s yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the attacker’s head) or kotegaeshi (wristlock). I apply Aikido to myself, not to the attacker. The attacker is irrelevant. O-Sensei Morihe Uehsiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me.

I enter the danger, enter what I fear, and let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free me. Just be.

I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I enter my fear that I’ll never be good enough, my fear of Dad when I was a little boy. Dad got that fear from his Dad. The generational legacy of abusive fathers. I invite my fear. Accept it. Don’t oppose it. I keep my heart open. My heart is true, magokoro. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Just be.

On my journey to fall madly and deeply in love, I’m not what women want. I’m 5’3”. I’m not handsome. I don’t look like Keanu Reeves or Michael B. Jordan. I’m not exactly rich. There are always men, who are better than I am. That’s just life. I accept that truth. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. Just be me.

Heaven is where I stand and that’s the place I train. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I have nothing to prove, no one else to be. I’m free just be me. Just be. Amen.