Just Friends?

Sweet! Another salacious story about bangin’ your best friend! Friends with benefits, right? The story of the inevitable inability to resist the physical urge that pulls you across the final divide between acquaintance and intimate partner.

A “just friends” friend of mine and I were having this discussion just yesterday. What underpins friendship? Simply, and predictably, it’s attraction. Humans are, by nature, attracted to certain other members of the species. Equally, we’re not attracted to other certain people. With 7 billion or so of us to choose from, there’s bound to be a few that capture our fancy.

People are, or become, friends because they are attracted to another person. This attraction can cross age, gender, ethnicity, and every other demographic category that we insist on fitting ourselves into these days. By definition, people are friends with others that they find “attractive,” in the larger sense. Attraction can be based on physical characteristics, and often is, at least initially. But it also grows from other and less obviously visually types of attraction: a sense of humor, intellect, kindness, similarity of purpose or belief.

I’ve long thought that “just friends” diminishes the concept of friendship. If a friendship needs a descriptive label, it’s probably not sincere or very deep. You’re either friends, or you are not. And if you’re truly friends, you share a certain level of intimacy that transcends other relationships.

Intimacy doesn’t mean you’re Fuck Buddies. (I think that’s more accurate than “Friends with Benefits.”) It’s not necessary to have the same intimate, emotional connection to be FBs as to be true friends. In fact, more often than not, it’s probably considerably easier to be physical “friends” than emotional ones — it’s certainly less complicated.

So what are the components of a true friendship? Is it possible to be friends without intimacy? No.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve deduced that I’m writing about intimacy that’s beyond physical. The intimacy comes from intellectual openness and honesty and, most of all, from vulnerability.

How do you know if you’re in a friendship with someone and are not merely acquaintances, like someone you might pass in the hall at work?

1. You’re completely open and honest. You don’t parse your facts or words with your friend. You don’t hide your opinions or dilute the conversation based on what you think the other “wants” to hear. Dishonesty by omission is still dishonesty. It doesn’t mean you’re obnoxious in your presentation, it means that you’re straightforward and upfront on every topic.

2. You’re not afraid or embarrassed. This is where the vulnerability comes in. As you interact with your friend, you’re able to be intimate; they’re allowed to see you, warts and all. There’s a certain degree of trust required here — emotional intimacy implies that as you’re sharing yourself, you are simultaneously confident that your friend will listen and accept you as you are.

3. You’re not obsessed. True friends are there for you when you need them. They’re available day or night, 24×7 as they say. But just as in a romantic relationship, there is such as thing as “too much.” Friends need their space, their life, and their room to breathe. Friendships, where one of the two are overly needy or stalker-like, are not going to last.

4. You’re honest about your intentions. Between any two people, there’s going to be different levels of attraction. Friends are friends because they find something attractive about the other person. You can find a million threads about “just friends” on social media and, frankly, this has probably been a topic since before any media was invented. If you’re listening to three hours of emotional outpouring, reacting sympathetically, but still thinking, in the back of your mind, that you’d like to “comfort” your friend right into bed, you’re probably you’re not being fair to them. Or yourself.

5. You try not to judge. Humans can’t help it. We judge. Willingly and quickly. Critically and hurtfully. And yet we’re surprised when others judge us. The quickest way to shut down a conversation, and any chance of emotional intimacy, is to proffer your self-righteous, highly indignant, and sure-as-shit opinion before your friend even finishes their sentence — or at any time after that.

6. You want what’s best for your friend. Even if that means what’s not best for you. Success in their job, success in a relationship, or even simply success in reaching a level of maturity and self-confidence that they did not possess previously. If you’re lucky enough to develop a close bond, it’s distressing to consider it being taken away or diminishing. But above all, a true friend is a giver, more than a taker; that may mean giving your friend their wings to fly.

Wait. What? You can’t have both? Well sure you can. That’s the very definition of a mature, rich, and committed relationship.

Wouldn’t we all want to develop a true partnership — a “Friends With Benefits” relationship — where the benefits are the right balance of honest communication and sincere friendship that supersedes physical intimacy, but certainly includes and celebrates it.

“Just Friends?” Nope. There’s nothing ”just” about it.

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This post was previously published on ILLUMINATION’S MIRROR.

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