You’ve probably heard it before: Ditch the list if you want to find love.
But what if I told you that not just one, but three lists led me to the relationship I always wanted?
Before these lists, I was the queen of serial dating, a master of the ‘meet-and-flee.’ None of my relationships lasted more than six months. But then, things changed.
If you’ve been single, chances are someone’s told you to list what you want in a partner at some point in your life. Maybe you wrote it, forgot about it, or never referred to it again.
Sure, making a checklist for dating might sound too structured, as if it’s taking the romance out of things. But the reality is that dating is hard, and sometimes, we go for the same type of person we know isn’t right for us.
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Why You Need A List
Dating with intention is difficult. It’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new connection or a strong attraction. Your list is like an objective friend in these moments, keeping you grounded and true to yourself.
A good list focuses on character and values, not just physical attraction. It’s about breaking unhelpful patterns and finding someone genuinely good for you.
Knowing that someone meets your core needs lets you relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is. If you’re like me and tend to bail when things get a little tricky, a list can remind you that relationships have ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth it.
What To Include On Your List
You might already have a mental list of what you want in a partner, but I want to encourage you to think more deeply about it. Go beyond the basics and think about what life with your future partner would look and feel like. What’s your day-to-day dream scenario?
The trick is to fill your list with real, meaningful traits that build a solid foundation for any relationship. When your checklist focuses on physical, professional, or financial attributes, it begins to stray into superficial territory.
Remember: it’s not about lowering your standards but understanding the difference between a dealbreaker and an opportunity for compromise.
To find lasting happiness, be selective about what truly matters. Keep an open mind about the minor details.
The best dating checklists boost your confidence and help you trust yourself as you navigate today’s turbulent dating scene.
Match What You’re Asking For
If your list includes qualities or traits you don’t currently possess (like having an active lifestyle), consider cultivating those things within yourself first.
Approach creating your list with open-mindedness and acceptance. We should all have standards, but seeing the big picture is equally important. An overly specific and lengthy list is like searching for a unicorn and overlooking the real, quality people around you.
Reflect on the healthy relationships you’ve observed or the couples you admire. What makes their bond strong? Think about your past relationships. What led to their end?
Incorporate these insights into your list, and remember, it’s a living document that can and should evolve over time, just like you do. Use your list as a framework to return to and a sense of direction when emotions threaten to cloud your judgment.
My Three Dating Checklists
I came up with three dating checklists to help me find love: the must-have list, the dealbreaker list, and the bonus list. Each serves a unique purpose.
The Must-Have List
This list helps me stick to my core values. These values shape my decisions and would be how I describe my true self and beliefs.
When you make a must-have list, beware of the picky problem — creating an overly specific checklist that leaves hardly anyone qualified. Focus on the non-negotiables.
On my must-have list, I included:
- Emotional availability and stability
- Trustworthiness, dependability, and consistency
- Respect for my personal space and boundaries
The Dealbreaker List
This list was a game-changer for me. It helped me set clear boundaries on what I absolutely cannot tolerate.
When creating this list, think about what doesn’t work for you. Consider aspects like religious beliefs, family planning, and political views. These are big-ticket items that, if not aligned, could lead to major issues down the line.
A few items on my dealbreaker list include:
- Disrespect towards others, animals, or nature
- A lack of ambition, motivation, or goals
- Someone involved in a complicated or unresolved situation
The Bonus List
This list is the fun part! These aren’t must-haves, but they are definitely perks in a partner.
These are the qualities that would add joy and extra compatibility to a relationship. Go ahead and dream a bit and imagine the ideal yet realistic traits you’d enjoy in a partner.
On my bonus list, I included:
- A great sense of humor
- Shared hobbies like yoga or hiking
- Someone who likes to cook
Make A Dating Checklist
Shortly after I wrote these three lists for myself, it just happened. I met someone. And it wasn’t just another fleeting connection — it felt genuine and right.
These lists didn’t just guide me to love; they led me on a journey of self-discovery.
As an astrologer, I often tell my clients that understanding oneself is the first step towards understanding those around them, especially in a relationship. These lists are a reflection of that self-understanding.
Astrology can offer unique insights into personality traits and relationship dynamics, complementing your lists and helping you understand the deeper connection you might share with someone.
If you’re wondering how to make your lists or how relationship astrology can illuminate your quest for love, don’t hesitate to reach out. Remember, the perfect partner doesn’t have to tick every box but should align with what matters most to you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: sarah b on Unsplash
