I hear a lot of negative sentiment around modern dating.
“It’s impossible to meet anyone in person.”
“Nobody is a good match anymore.”
“The apps are stupid.”
Sure, the days of meeting how your parents met are over, but that does not mean it’s all doom and gloom in the dating market.
Your parents had to exchange house-phone numbers, get permission to date, take photos on polaroid cameras, and be failures if they didn’t have kids by 25.
The good times!
Yes, times have changed, so you have to change with them.
You don’t hate Netflix, HBO, Uber, and Grubhub (other than the outrageous fees), but you hate how modern times have innovated the dating market?
Yes, dating and partnerships are different than something as simple as entertainment, but adjusting can be simple with a few steps.
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Charge your battery
One thing I see too often is someone going out on a date when there is mid-level interest in the interaction.
Energy plays a huge part in human connection. No, I am not talking about astrology and reading crystals.
I am talking about the energy you give off when you are mildly interested. You’re “giving it a chance and going out on a date.”
Of course, someone cannot check every mark on your list, but here are a few thoughts:
- What makes you so much better than this person you haven’t met in person yet, that you are “giving them a chance” to meet you?
- What are the boundaries and needs you’ve put in place that are requirements?
- Why is passing on an opportunity a crime in your mind?
It is ok that everyone is not a match for you. It is ok that you were attracted to someone, but your interest faded as you didn’t connect immediately.
You want to avoid going on “checkmark” dates where someone has to meet every box, but you also want to have base-level needs.
Your energy will improve when you’ve made internal and external adjustments to your approach.
I don’t understand the logic of getting frustrated while taking your time to find a match. People want too much instant gratification.
Have standards and be unforgiving about implementing them.
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Adjust your standards
It has become a hot topic in the dating world, and I am tired of the lack of understanding.
Since we see perfection on TV and Instagram, it has become the new model for what everyone “deserves.”
We both know none of that you see is real anyway.
Adjusting your standards in the dating market has become the new definition of settling.
Settling has become one of the worst words in the dictionary.
It is not enough to meet someone’s beauty standards. There is also a long list of qualifications that come with the new “minimum.”
When I say adjust your standards, I am telling you to get realistic about the type of person that can meet your dating and your percentage chance of meeting that person.
When you adjust for attractiveness, type of employment, income, personality, race, height, and other demands, your opportunity of finding a match drops.
Have your standards, but live with the outcomes.
Think about that list of criteria above. When you insert all your demands in these areas, you drop to a 1–10% chance of meeting that match.
Fine?
Here’s the part that is conveniently left out.
- You still have to be compatible.
- That person still has to see you as a match too.
Again, contrary to the common understanding today, adjusting and settling are different.
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Fly solo
Understand the value of being single. Being single does not mean you’re alone.
Being single is an opportunity to improve your dating life.
People fail to understand their value because they tie it to being with someone else. Being single somehow means you are a failure.
I’ve met people who feel less attractive, valuable, and worthy of love. All this negative self-imaging because you’re single?
I was there too. You’re not crazy. I had an epiphany in my time when I was single.
I asked myself, “what do I want, and what do I value in others?”
That might sound corny, but when I thought about this, I decided to spend the whole summer answering that question.
Answering that question helped me understand the pillars above. Not only did I begin enjoying the single life, I realized I needed it.
When you are single, it is an opportunity to see where someone fits into your life.
Compatibility is one piece, but understanding when to give and receive the intentional time a relationship requires is necessary too.
A relationship is not only about two people who like each other. I understand that is the fairytale perception.
Of course, you want to have deep, passionate feelings for someone.
A relationship is a partnership, and you need to answer how someone can be a partner with you and vice versa.
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It’s time to turn failures into success stories.
The dating world is not doom and gloom.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: René Ranisch on Unsplash