I’ve heard it said many times that laughter is the best medicine, and that may be true, but the best relationships require more than just a “medicine man” to make it healthy.
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I’ve always considered myself a bit of a clown and, apparently, so did my classmates. I was voted class clown for my school yearbook, plus, I’ve been asked to perform a number of times at various local events in my hometown. I guess there are at least a few people who consider me a funny guy.
Because I never felt as if I belonged anywhere, I used it as a way to fit in.
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My wife thinks I’m the funniest guy in the world. She and I are such a perfect fit because she laughs at everything, and I’m not talking about some cute little giggle. Her laughter comes from somewhere deep in her core every single time, and it usually escalates beyond her control.
In truth, she’s been known to pee a little and, occasionally, make this guttural sound that resembles a gander trying to find a mate. Often, she’ll just break into laughter at the most inopportune times, and when I question it, she’ll tell me she just thought of something funny from a week ago.
That’s one of the many things I love about her. I, on the other hand, very rarely laughed at anything.
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Like many comics, humor was my defense mechanism. It was a way for me to avoid being vulnerable. And because I never felt as if I belonged anywhere, I used it as a way to fit in.
In fact, I’ve only recently come to understand the vast difference between belonging and fitting in. One requires great skill in being someone I’m not while the other demands authenticity from me.
If you ask my wife what qualities she loves the most about me, I’m sure my ability to make her laugh will be right near the top of her list. I’ve also heard many other wives give “he makes me laugh” a very high rating in their relationships, so I’m pretty sure it’s part of the recipe for a healthy connection with your partner.
Provided, of course, it’s not being used as a substitute for the other important ingredients that go into the soup. It may get you some very interesting dates or even a couple short-lived marriages, as in my case, but at some point, any relationship is going to need intimacy for it to last.
As a man who spent most of his life battling addictions, intimacy was the scariest thing in the world to me. I had no problem facing a stranger in a dark alley or sacrificing my body numerous times but please don’t ask me to share my fears and insecurities.
That’s where humor served me.
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Like so many other addictions, it was a way to avoid the imaginary pain that might come from letting my guard down and revealing my soul. The problem with that logic is how was I ever going to find a soul mate if I never became willing to share my soul?
Being the life of the party has its place, and I love it when I can make my wife, and others, completely lose it when we’re out having a good time, but there are many places where it doesn’t have the same effect.
Cracking a joke at a dinner party is much different than doing it for a eulogy or church service or…. in the bedroom. Believe me, I’ve tried them all, and a good joke just doesn’t work all the time.
As much as my wife loved my humor, she didn’t marry Bozo the Clown. She married Greg, and she wanted and expected the full package that included all the other things that made up Greg; qualities and characters she knew I had, but that I had no idea were part of my makeup. Things like empathy, compassion, passion, intimacy, and vulnerability. Ouch!
There’s that word again – vulnerability.
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That word just did not resonate with what my understanding of what it was to be a MAN. Then I started thinking about where that understanding came from and who my mentors were who taught me. I began thinking about those guys, and they were quite a bunch of charismatic dudes.
Charismatic, LONELY dudes.
If they were still married–it wasn’t anything close to a marriage I wanted for myself. I needed some new mentors.
I started attending events with my wife where we met other couples who had the kind of marriage I wanted. And I met some of the funniest guys in the world.
The difference was those same guys also hugged and cried and talked about their feelings. They shared their weaknesses and insecurities the same way they shared their jokes and humor. They held hands with their partners and cried together during vulnerable moments. As I listened deeper, I discovered that “he makes me laugh” was only the beginning of the story.
Times when I had to show her who I truly was beyond the big red nose and painted on smile.
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By providing space to get vulnerable, I discovered the story progressed into “he listens deeply to me” and “we share our deepest secrets with each other” and “he holds me tightly when I’m scared and tells me it’s going to be OK even when he’s scared himself.”
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Today, I’m happy and proud to say I’ve been married to my dream girl for 12 awesome years, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
When we reflect on the years, of course, the moments that made us laugh were there on the surface, but, it was times like when our son almost died or when we cried together over our feelings of helplessness to rid our daughter of addiction that solidified our marriage. Times when I had to get out of my comfort zone and reveal that softer, more vulnerable side of myself. Times when I had to show her who I truly was beyond the big red nose and painted on smile.
I’ve heard it said many times that laughter is the best medicine, and that may be true, but the best relationships require more than just a “medicine man” to make it healthy.
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Photo: Flickr/ Olaf Teuerle
This is beautiful. Thank you Greg