Learning to Be Ok With Guilt

So often, targets of narcissistic abuse feel trapped by their own feelings of guilt when they contemplate making a boundary with a toxic person, leaving a terrible relationship, or going no contact with a family member. It often feels to me like they are waiting until the guilty feeling goes away before they do what is right for them.

Well, here’s what’s hard about that. It’s very common that targets of narcissistic abuse are higher than typical in positive traits like empathy, loyalty, forgiveness, and understanding. They tend to have an extraordinary ability to see things from the other person’s perspective and forgive bad behavior. But what tends to come along with these powerful “super traits” is an equally potent feeling of guilt when the target does not live up to their own expectations. They judge and condemn themselves for not being endlessly kind and understanding, no matter what.

And so, if we wait for guilty feelings to go away before we make any changes, we’ll probably be waiting a very, very long time. Instead, I want to offer some thoughts about how to deal with our own uncomfortable feelings of guilt.

ONE:Recognize that feeling guilty is the flip side of being a kind, empathetic person. Yay you! To be blunt, toxic people don’t generally feel guilty. Just the nice ones. But it doesn’t mean that as a kind person you can’t also have boundaries and a life filled with equally kind people who support and lift you up. What’s important to understand is that you will not lose your hard-wired kindness if you set more boundaries and stand up for yourself more.

In other words, trust that this is an inherent part of who you are. But it’s like you’ve gone to the gym your whole life and only worked out on one side of your body, the kind and empathetic side. I am not telling you to stop using that side. Rather, I want you to go to the gym and start lifting some weights with the other side, the one that can do boundaries. It’s not about becoming someone you’re not, it’s about expanding your capacity.

TWO: Understand the guilt is a feeling, and feelings pass. That’s what they do. They move. They come and go. Happiness comes and goes and so does sadness. It’s just part of the human experience. The problem is when a feeling arises and we struggle with it, which tends to make the feeling stronger.

And so, my advice is instead, to simply allow the feeling. This means noticing without judgement or trying to change it. You might check in to see what physical sensations are associated with feeling guilty. Bring curiosity to this that you call guilt and watch it lessen its hold. A coach with somatic (body-based) training can be very helpful here, as they have the tools to help you be present to what is happening, and presence is the magic key. In my experience, the more presence you can bring to any difficult feeling, the more it dissipates, not only in the moment, but also over time.

THREE: Find your anger. In my coaching practice, I have seen that many targets of narcissistic abuse struggle with finding and expressing their legitimate anger at how they have been or are being treated. Being angry can feel like it goes against their “super traits” mentioned above. Finding the part of themselves (often buried deep) that is just plain mad can be a counterbalance to guilt and help to lessen its grip.

Again I want to bring up the analogy of going to the gym. It is not my advice that you become an angry, hostile person. No way. But anger is a legitimate human feeling. It is a muscle. And in many targets, one that has been shut down for years (or even a lifetime). Anger is there to tell us that things aren’t ok, and when we find and befriend this part of ourselves, we actually gain greater discernment and overall effectiveness in life.

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As in all healing, a well-informed, well-trained partner on the path can be very helpful. A trauma-informed coach or therapist who “gets it” about narcissistic abuse can help you with all three strategies so that feelings of guilt no longer keep you stuck in something that isn’t serving your health, growth, and peace.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name.

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