Managing Your Inner Dialogue for a Successful Mindset
What you think drives your ability to succeed? If you are a negative thinker, as I used to be, it will be difficult to overcome challenges. Mindset is everything!
Take a moment to reflect: How do you think about others? How do you think about yourself? How do you manage challenging situations? Do you navigate through them well, or do you find yourself overwhelmed and defeated? The answers to these questions reveal your ability to actively work through challenges until you succeed. But here’s the critical question: Are you able to think about how you think?
When I was younger, my self-esteem was mangled by trauma. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse left me full of shame, anger, and anxiety. I didn’t believe in myself or my abilities, and even slight setbacks left me reeling. My inner dialogue was rigidly self-negative: I was stupid, wrong-headed, and undeserving of respect. The way I thought about myself prevented me from achieving any success.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), it’s understood that our thoughts and beliefs drive our actions. When our thoughts are distorted—whether about ourselves or others—they can create roadblocks that impede our ability to succeed. Looking back, I now see that my lack of belief in my abilities was one of my biggest obstacles. My distorted thought, “I suck,” meant that as soon as I faced any obstacle, I felt defeated and quit. I didn’t understand that obstacles are part of any learning process, and everyone experiences them. The key question is: How do you respond to the inevitable setbacks you are sure to face?
Things began to change for me when I entered recovery. One of the first lessons I learned was: Problems must be faced, and solutions applied. “Failure” isn’t a permanent state—it’s just data. It’s feedback. It must be seen as temporary. If I wasn’t getting the outcome I wanted, I began to ask myself, what do I need to change to succeed? This mindset shift was an opportunity to critique myself—not to self-lacerate or relive that old inner dialogue of “I suck, I should just give up”—but to take an honest, clear-eyed view of myself and determine next steps.
When I was starting out as a master’s boxer and preparing for fights, I often sparred with opponents who were younger and more experienced than I was. Time and again, I left the ring feeling dispirited and battered. My inner dialogue would kick in: “Maybe I’m just not good enough. Maybe I should just quit.” This negative narrative harkened back to an earlier version of myself—the one who quit at the first obstacle, the one who never felt good enough. But this time, I chose to push back against that negativity.
I reminded myself that without experience and repetition, no one is good at anything. I had read that you should get 300 rounds of sparring before your first fight, so I decided to set my compass to that goal: get my rounds in. I asked my coaches and sparring partners for feedback. I became more intentional in my practice and pushed myself to understand that youth and experience provided my opponents with an advantage—but that didn’t mean I couldn’t improve. I also worked to get comfortable with the discomfort of fighting. Most importantly, I learned to encourage myself through obstacles. Self-encouragement is a huge and necessary asset to achieving success.
This practice of self-encouragement became a foundation for how I managed setbacks in other areas of my life. At the end of each day, as I lie in bed, I reflect and ask myself: How did I show up today in the roles I play? Was I a good husband? A good friend? Did I work hard and bring value to my clients? Did I have a successful workout? If I had a bad day in any particular area, I don’t dwell on it. Instead, I ask myself, what can I do better tomorrow? Then, I let go of the day that has passed—because it’s gone. I can’t change it.
In the morning, I set a fresh intention for the day. I ask myself: What do I want to accomplish today? I strategize how I will achieve those goals and vow to show up, work to the best of my abilities, and make progress. Some days, I move forward only a little. Other days, I make significant strides. But every day, I move forward.
—
Previously Published on substack and is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
