Let’s Just Have Sex

The spark

We all know love tends to creep into our consciousness.

We meet someone and can’t get them out of our minds. We fantasize about what sex will be like should it happen.

We wonder if our latest obsession could actually be “the one.” The person who will love us our entire lives.

If we’re lucky, we enjoy a mutual attraction and some of our fantasies come true.

We have fun….until we don’t.

Many develop a love filter

There are many reasons why people push love away.

1. They desire multiple partners and don’t want to commit to only one person. If you’re spinning the roulette wheel of online dating successfully, you can fall in love with a different person every weekend.
2. They don’t believe in the fairy tale version of love. Some people realize they cannot realistically be devoted to one person in any meaningful, life-long, manner. They don’t believe in happily ever after. They believe in happiness at the moment.
3. They tried the “old-fashioned” concept of being devoted emotionally, physically, and psychologically to one person and got burned. Therefore, they just want to have fun — then move on to the next person.

Like an addict, some can’t just dabble in love

We’re learning more about how our brains react to different circumstances and substances. Some people have a bottomless pit of discipline and self-control — others indulge compulsively.

Same with love. Some can process the life (and death) of a relationship — love lives; love dies — yet their life goes on and there’s always someone else on the horizon.

For me, I have a difficult time tempering myself when it comes to love. I tend to fall so strongly that a breakup becomes deeply bruising — but not unrecoverable.

Am I addicted to love? No.

Am I addicted to sex? I think you actually have to be having sex first.

I’m just someone who can’t just dabble. I’m either all in….or all out.

To be clear, I always rise up from my disillusionment and despair because I believe even a short-term romance is better than remaining forever alone.

What no one wants to say out loud

People who remain in long-term relationships or marriages make a conscious decision to resist temptation and remain loyal.

Said clearly, we are ALL biologically inclined to have sex with as many people as possible. When people claim they’ve never felt sexually attracted to anyone other than their mate and that the attraction has only grown over the years, they are lying to you — and themselves.

Resisting temptation and all the “shiny objects” around us, is a choice. A noble, difficult, disciplined choice with many rewards.

But make no mistake, it is a trade-off — the loss of mind-blowing, new, fresh, high octane sex, for a more stable, comfortable, reliable, steady, companionship.

Legitimate fear or paranoia

We’re all wired differently. Some of us are hopelessly compulsive; others are measured and contemplative.

Some people are fine living with the unknown. They know they can’t control other people and when in a relationship, they hope for the best but don’t obsess over a potential breakup.

Others can’t deal with the unknown. Whether legitimate or pure paranoia, they’re always on edge wondering if their spouse is going to betray them. They tend to be the ones always asking, “Is everything all right? Are you happy in the marriage?”

In my experience, you’re either one or the other — someone who takes life one day at a time or someone who needs to be frequently reassured of their value and where they stand.

Know yourself

It’s best to know the way you’re neurologically wired when it comes to sex, love, devotion, relationships, and marriage.

If you lean possessive, that needs to be part of the compatibility assessment you make when dating someone.

If being flirtatious is part of who you are, own it. It’s not going to change just because you verbally tell someone you love them.

If you’re too bruised to allow yourself to love someone ever again, accept that reality and don’t just fake it to make it.

We crave sex and love. For many, they are the same thing.

In today’s uber-connected, one swipe away from passion, world, it is unrealistic to expect your lover or spouse to live in a virtual cave — and only have eyes for you.

We’re surrounded by a culture of permissiveness that encourages recreational sex.

It is unreasonable to expect someone to behave the way you need them to. Monogamy is a choice with definable results — less adrenaline for more security.

Just having fun is a choice too. There is nothing wrong with playing the field, forever.

There IS something wrong with trying to do both because you end up either hurting someone else or being deeply hurt yourself.

The best gift you can give someone is the truth.

Don’t offer something you have no intention of providing.

Either play around or commit.

Make a choice and stick to it. Your next lover deserves it.

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Previously Published on medium

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