Let’s Talk About Why Female Divorcees Don’t Remarry

My mom has a friend named Henrietta*. At 45 years old, she looks 35 and has an illustrious career in her field. She has everything that most men would dream for in a lady to date — money, looks, a fabulous home, a Mercedes, a private helicopter, and oh yeah…NO KIDS!

It’s not like men haven’t tried to date her or marry her. She was married once, but after her divorce, decided that marriage was never going to be a goal of hers again. In the past, this would have raised an eyebrow. Nowadays, it’s normal.

Why? Well, marriage rates are going down across the board. While men often talk about how they don’t date, or how they feel like women are too stuck up, the truth is, women are starting to lose interest in marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happily married and marriage was always a priority for me. However, it’d be foolish to ignore or discredit the statistics. More women than men choose to stay single after a divorce. Ever wonder why this is?

First off, let’s address the big reason why male divorcees may want to marry.

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Men get more benefits from marriage than women do. Married men are healthier and happier than their single counterparts. They also live longer, have higher incomes, and are considered to be higher status, too.

There are so, so many studies that back this up. Marriage is far more beneficial for the average man than the average woman — at least, statistically speaking. With that said, let’s get to discussions about the ladies.

A lot of it is due to the fact that they may have had one too many bad experiences in dating.

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Whether it is due to a long string of cheaters or a relationship that was so abusive that they can’t trust again, most women who say no to remarriage do so because they’re fed up with how they were treated by the men they trusted.

Honestly, who can blame them? Our society creates a serious lose-lose situation for women who don’t marry and have kids and live happily ever after. It doesn’t make sense to play that game!

Most people blame the victim when it comes to abuse, rape, and sex assault. When I told people I was abused, most men (and a shocking amount of women) I met gave a smug shrug and said, “Well, you picked the wrong guy.”

Men don’t necessarily have this. They very rarely ever have to worry about being raped or killed by their partner. Most people would also never blame them for trusting a woman. That double standard is a major issue that contributes to the “once bitten, twice shy” vibe women have.

Eventually, women who deal with bad dates and being blamed for their dating choices tend to say they’ve had enough. It shreds their trust in men, and rightfully so. Everyone has a breaking point.

When they haven’t had enough good experiences and all they find are men who blame them for not being into them, they will eventually swear off dating. There’s no return on investment for them, so why bother?

Some have been married and realized they have less work when they’re single.

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Most divorces are initiated by women, often as a final decision after trying to get their husbands to do their share of housework or after giving up on being prioritized. I’m not making this up, either.

This is a known phenomenon. It’s called Walkaway Wife Syndrome, and it happens when a woman gives up on ever being treated well by a spouse.

Believe it or not, most women who walk away from their relationships end up feeling pretty badly duped by their exes. They also tend to feel like they don’t have as much chorework to do when they’re single — primarily because they statistically don’t.

Relationships are hard. Picking up after your partner is hard. Taking care of a kid and a husband who doesn’t do his share is hard. After being married once and being burnt out from overwork, many women don’t want to bother with it again.

Others may have just changed priorities.

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A lot of women I know who divorced decided that they no longer want to build a relationship with a man simply because they have better things to do with their lives. This is often the case with single moms who prioritize their kids.

Most single moms view introducing a new man into the mix as a major risk — because it is. The wrong “new dad” can destroy a kid’s childhood in a heartbeat. Rather than run that risk, many will wait until the kid turns 18 or just say they’re done.

Of course, you don’t have to be a single mom to have your priorities switch. A lot of women prefer to remain single simply because they want to pursue their career or start a business. That’s what happened with Henrietta.

We can’t hate on that. Living your dream should always be your number one priority, regardless of whether your dream is of the housewife life or as a #BossBabe.

Some just don’t find the right person for them to feel ready to marry.

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Divorce does some weird shit to people. More specifically, it often teaches people what they don’t want in a relationship. Divorced women are going to be pickier than they were the first time around, and are not going to put up with shit they just left.

As a result, the dating pool is smaller. And that means some women just won’t find someone they click with. It’s no one’s fault, really, but it still happens.

Finally, there are a fair amount of women who just can’t afford another divorce.

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For all the bitching about having a woman taking men to the cleaners, the truth is that men tend to fare better financially in a divorce. Yep, multiple studies back it up. Moreover, divorced women are more likely to be in poverty than divorced men.

Believe it or not, I’ve met a lot of women who were so badly burned by a divorce, they swore off dating altogether. It’s not that they don’t want a husband, either. It’s that they just can’t afford another divorce.

No one goes into a marriage thinking they’ll divorce. After you have a divorce, though, the worry of “what if” always feels a little more real.

At the end of the day, women have to ask if the juice is worth the squeeze.

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Personally, I’m not entirely sure that marriage is a good investment for most women — at least, not with the type of behavior that we see from WAY TOO MANY men these days. It took a rare man to marry me. But, that’s just me.

It’s up to every woman to take stock of their lives after a divorce. Were the years they had with their spouse happy? Moreover, do they actually want a relationship now that they’ve experienced married life? Is it worth the risk?

Only they can decide.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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