Paul Hudson laments the loss of love.
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It’s funny how often “forever” seems to never last.
We all make promises, of course. We tell people we love them, we care for them, we could never live without them, but most of the time it turns out to be nothing more than empty, wishful thinking.
Yet, we need to make these sorts of promises. People need to feel a level of security in their relationship in order to be happy — it’s human nature. But are we ever really secure?
There are a hundred ways to lose the one you love, to get your heart broken; however, none are worse than getting cheated on. Cheating is something I never condoned nor, to be honest, understood.
If you don’t care enough for the person you claim to love to keep it in your pants, then you may need to rethink how much you actually care about him or her.
Don’t give me any of that “I have needs” crap; we all have needs. The person you’re with has needs – he or she needs you to be loyal.
Being cheated on is arguably the worst feeling in the world, emotionally speaking of course. It can be detrimental. I was cheated on once in my life — that I know of — and it’s not an experience I’m eager to repeat.
If the person you’re in love with cheats on you… words can barely do the pain justice. But I’m going to do my best and try anyway.
At first, you don’t want to believe what you’re hearing.
Most people find out their partner cheated or has been cheating on them from a third-party source. Rarely do people have the courage to own up to their actions and be the ones to tell their partners what they did.
Most often, you’re never actually meant to find out. Most cheaters are chronic cheaters — this is why we have the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
While this is a bit too broad to be true in every case, the fact is many of those who cheat do so because they believe it’s OK to do so. So they do it regularly.
Chronic cheaters will never be the ones to own up to what they did, so hearing it from your friends can be… difficult. You’re likely to not even believe them in the first place, trying to rationalize with yourself, thinking that they must — for whatever reason — be trying to sabotage your relationship.
When I was cheated on, I didn’t find out from friends. I heard it directly from the source. And you know what? It was still hard for me to believe.
I just didn’t want to accept what had happened because as soon as you accept it, it becomes real. And once it becomes real, so does the pain.
Your world, as you knew it, crumbles.
The ground beneath your feet begins to fall away into the abyss, and you’re left with nothing to hold on to.
It’s one thing if someone you’re casually or semi-formally dating cheats on you, and it’s another when the man or woman you love decides you are no longer good enough for him or her.
Because that’s what it means, doesn’t it? You loved this person with all your heart, and it turns out that you were only being delusional. The reality that you created for yourself has vanished in an instant, and you feel completely and utterly lost.
Your entire future has just been rewritten — and you now have no idea how the book is going to end. That’s the worst part of being cheated on.
It’s not necessarily that your ego gets hurt and bruised that rocks your world; It’s that the entire future you planned for yourself disappears, and you don’t know where to go from here.
Your ego gets hurt, and you begin to question yourself.
You begin to wonder if you are as great of a catch as you thought you were. You thought you were smart, good looking, caring, loving, a great pick for a life partner.
But then the person you loved, the person you decided to dedicate yourself to, throws you to the side of the road as if you were garbage.
Having someone dump you is one thing. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and you have no choice but to accept the situation as it is. But getting cheated on is different. Getting cheated on is a clear message saying you are the problem — that you just aren’t good enough.
Half the time, people cheat on their partners with one-night stands — complete strangers. How else can you take such an act? You’ve basically been told the person you love would prefer sleeping with just about anyone else than sleeping with you.
The worst part is you’re likely to begin to believe you aren’t good enough. You’re likely to question yourself, question the person you are, the choices you’ve made in life.
This can be an earth-shattering experience, as we all take pride in being the people we are. Yet, how can you continue being proud of yourself when you basically just got spat in the face and kicked to the curb?
You do your best to figure out a way to keep going.
After a few months of wallowing in your own misery, you’re going to have to put yourself back together again. Some will decide to get a better grasp on their lives and reality, to focus on themselves and their work.
Others will decide that what they really need in their lives at this moment is a bit of debauchery — completely understandable under such circumstances.
The hardest part, of course, is going to be letting go of the ones you love. Just because they cheated on you doesn’t necessarily mean you stopped caring for them. In fact, that’s rarely the case.
People tend to want to hold on tighter whenever they’re being pushed away. It’s not the smartest of habits, but it is one that most people have in common.
If you loved someone, moving on is always difficult. Possible, but difficult. He or she cheating on you will likely make it a bit easier, as you can focus all those negative and aggressive emotions in his or her direction, but at the same time, the pain you feel will only further remind you of what this person means to you.
Or meant to you. You’re still uncertain of which it is.
by Paul Hudson
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About the author
A young writer, philosopher, and entrepreneur, Paul Hudson (@MrPaulHudson) has been writing for Elite Daily nearly since the start. He primarily addresses the successes and downfalls of love and life.
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This article originally appeared on Elite Daily
Photo credit: Nathan Congleton/flickr
I loved this all this things really happens and gets hurted brutally . And than his all dreams comes to an end which he or she has seen with their partners. I know this pain because I have beared
I actually found this article dangerously simplistic. Adult relationships, especially committed ones such as marriage, cover such a spectrum of psyche, these few bullet points seem broad and general.. not really tackling what is underneath and a bit immature.
Bad things happen to good marriages, and good people.
I would suggest the above written for the high school set of people fresh into the dating world.
Infidelity is such a serious topic yet hardly addressed in a mature fashion; but this GMP article did delve deeper:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-happy-people-cheat-hlg/
Mixed feelings on this topic. Cheating is a poor way to deal with one’s own problems. But there are various reasons that drive this behavior. My ex-husband cheated on me. I sort of expected it. Our marriage had been one big sh*t show for many years, devoid of physical or emotional intimacy. We both played into it. It was hurtful, yes, but in a bizarre way, I understood it. We had become housemates, not even sleeping in the same room. He’s married to someone else now, and as far as I know, they’re happy — no problems, like we had.… Read more »
The greatest pain for me was not feeling as though I was somehow not “worthy” and caused the cheating by my former spouse. I know that his infidelity was his choice – a man of integrity would face his relationship head on and end it rather than cheat. The greatest pain was realizing that for years and years he had been lying – all the “I love you”s he could say to my face, the countless moments, years, births of our children, that I thought were real shared moments of love between us, were all an illusion. When you are… Read more »
Maria, sometimes it’s just not your fault. Having walked in those shoes before, honestly? There was nothing I could have done. If I met a man just like the one who cheated on me (extremely surreptitiously, I might add), I would choose him all over again. Because people are really good at hiding who they really are, and you know what? It’s just not your fault. It’s not up to you to change — it’s up to them!
http://drphil.com/articles/article/54
Yes sexual infidelity hurts.
Still I wonder why so many think is it ok to use porn and still feel you never crossed a line ?
Withdrawal in relationships happens in many ways,
Intimacy and connection is lost.
Getting cheated on is so horrible and very often it does not have to do with the other person…it is just the ego or inmaturity that makes the cheater cheat. I am experiencing it right now and it still hurts. I still don’t know what is going to happen but I am afraid that I will never be the same again…with anybody. I am just so disappointed 🙁 Cheating should never be an option…in a mature relationship one should always be able to say if something is missing even if it is the need to have sex with someone else… Read more »
I tried to be open and honest about what I felt as a withdrawal and indifference from her side regarding our relationship, and that I really missed being intimate with her.
She answered, “Women just don’t have the same libido or think about it as much as men do. Why do you get so worked up about it anyway, it’s just sex”…
so well written. Thank u from a guy who a year and a half later is still suffering from my cheating wife.
Stay strong Lance.
Cheating has everything to do with the one engaging in infidelity and nothing to do with the faithful partner. There are 100 different avenues to address a marital/relationship issue.
Cheating has everything to with the unfaithful’s lack of moral character.
Matt, you’re right. People who love another person DONT CHEAT. They just do not. They love the other person and value his or her beautiful changing body and soul through the winds of time.
Janus, I’m sorry your world is so dark and unloving.
Many people (like the author here) think that “cheating” is such a one-sided affair — no pun intended — but in reality this is hardly ever the case, despite our attempts at telling only one side of the story. People often cheat for many reasons that can’t just be summed up as them being jerks. I had a friend once complain about being shocked that his girlfriend suddenly broke up with him, and when I asked him why she did, he said he had no idea… *that’s why she broke with him, b/c he’s clearly not being present, nor paying… Read more »
If that person is not present as you say, then the relationship should be over then and there.. Cheating is NEVER acceptable and no matter how bad things are, it isn’t justifiable. People in relationships very very very often take each other for granted. This is mostly because we are confident that we know the other half. If taking granted is bothering you, then you alert your other half.. If still there is no result, you leave.. Break it off properly there.. However hard it is.. You end it. YOU DON’T CHEAT!! Cheating is a very cowardly and incredibly selfish… Read more »
Moreover, you don’t seem to understand the difference between breaking up and cheating on the other half..
You don’t murder someone who is dying and justify your murder.. This is exactly the same..
Janus I think you missed the point. Breaking up with someone and cheating on someone are two entirely different issues. While both are painful cheating is the most painful and can ruin your life. Trust me.
Although you are right that relationship problems, like presence are the domain of both partners, working through those issues, or ending the relationship are what matter.
Cheating is such a significant breach of trust, that it’s the opposite of two people who have enough commitment to work through issues like neglect.
Yes, the disconnect before the cheating is serious and relationship destroying, but cheating because of it is a copout, an excuse, and avoidance of what you should be doing.
The ugly truth, Janus…. Your way of thinking is the cheater type. If so, let me tell you this: You’ve never been abandoned. You prefer to abandon. If so, I’m afraid You’ve always been a cheater and you just want to justify your selfish and coward actions. You will never understand this since you seek to rationalize it. Love someone with all your heart, make sacrifices for your future altogether, get cheated… And you’ll see all your arguments vanish.