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The familiar Cherokee tribe ancient proverb says, “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” Authentically take on what it is to be with another. Have empathy for others. Perhaps, listen from their perspective, from being them.
In walking in another’s shoes, we can also be in their listening, in their dreams, in their fears, and in their cause. Listen from them.
In Aikido, I study awase, to match up with the attack. I accept whatever force comes at me. I redirect that force to end the attack. It’s one time. No showboating. No sparring. Maybe awase can have greater application in listening to another: Match up with someone in his or her listening.
In my arrogance, I often retreat into my own listening, “Oh, my God! If only you could hear what you’re saying!” I’m no longer listening for what’s possible in another. Maybe, I’m more open, more forgiving with those I have a relationship with. Still, I not listening from them, I need to recalibrate my listening to zero.
In listening from the other’s perspective, I discover who they are, what they’re up to, and what they want of me. Someone’s listening of me usually won’t be my own. Duh. That’s my “Come to Jesus” moment. I forsake being right about myself.
What is in the other’s listening? Perhaps, others listen for value from me? I graciously abide. What if others listen to me as an asshole? That’s definitely on me. I get that and invent another way to be. Perhaps, I discover lightness in my darkness. As O-Sensei said, it’s all about overcoming me, creating the balance.
Listening from me may not match. Listening from me may be dead on. As long as that listening is not lesser than or unkind, I accept and adjust. I may get nothing out of the other’s listening. Then move on. If I do get something, then listen with them. Awase.
I watched the tribute to actor-writer Tina Fey on “The Jimmy Fallon Show.” Jimmy worked with Tina during their days on “Saturday Night Live.” In one segment, Tina and Jimmy watched a TV monitor as her fans acknowledged her at the special screening of her movie “Mean Girls.” After watching, Tina and Jimmy surprised her unsuspecting fans.
One charming young woman visited with her family. In tears, she tells Tina, “You don’t understand how much, this means to me, because I wrote my college application essay about you. I cannot tell you how much it meant for the quirky, weird girl in high school to look up to you and oh my goodness, this is amazing. Thank you! Thank you for everything!”
I got the young woman. I got Tina in her listening to her. I cried. What amazing grace and generosity.
In his closing homage to Tina, Jimmy said, “I have two daughters. My hope is that they grow up to be leaders like you. And they will be as fearless and confident in their strengths as you.”
Jimmy and the young woman’s listening from Tina was my listening from Sensei Dan. Sensei allowed me to become the man I am.
We all listen in grace and in love for the one who made a profound difference in our lives. They live in our listening of them always, and in our hearts. They in part define our purpose. They define us.
Listening from another might seem terrifying, risking ourselves. Listening from others may not always land. When it does land, that opens what is possible. So practice. Practice listening from them. It’s the risk that can be the great surprise.
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Photo credit: Pixabay