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The acclaimed neurosurgeon Dr. Jim Doty discussed his research and life at the Compassion Conference at Stanford University in 2017. Jim spoke of that constant dialogue in your head, and mine. Often, when we listen to that voice, we believe it to be true, to be what’s so. Ironically, that dialogue disparages by its inherent design.
That voice in my head doesn’t say, “Hey Jon, you are awesome!” No way. Jim joked that if it did, then I would be “a narcissist”. He was “just kidding.” All kidding aside, Jim’s thesis is poignantly familiar. Often I listen to my internal voice that “I suck” and accept it as the truth. That’s neither empowering nor at all useful. Really, listening to that kind of shit borders on stupid. Yet, we’re not stupid, at least when we’re present, when we’re paying attention.
That harmful dialogue becomes “I”. You recall what others say about and to you. Jim said, “You remember how powerful words can be.” We must be responsible for the power of our words. Use our words for good, not evil.
Jim told the story of the nurse he met at a medical conference. When she was a child, her Dad told her, “You’re not smart enough.” So she spent her entire life disproving her Dad. She prevailed becoming a successful nurse. But at what cost? Proving that you’re not something will never be the something you wanted to be. Proving others wrong won’t make you right.
Let go of the harmful words about you, even your own words. Or at least take a breath. Discover the words of those who love you, who walk beside you. Jim said, “Give up judging yourself.” Grant yourself the space to be free. However, this is easier said than done. Forgive others, including you.
Growing up as I did, I get how damaging that voice in my head can be. Yet, lightness arises in the darkness by listening to others who listen to you as greater than you know. That was Mom for me. I listened to her, “Jonny, slow down.” She calmed that anger deep within me. Mom reminded, “I’m good enough.”
I listen to others who have my back, instead of the voice in my head. I’ve been fortunate in my journey. Sensei Dan became the Father for me. His wife Allyce said, “You were like a son to Dan.” And I still listen to Sensei with all the love in my heart. When I’m afraid, I hear his voice, “Make it work.”
I remember that morning Aikido class when he said, “You’re a better teacher than me.” Sensei listened to that greater me that I didn’t hear. He is still right by my side, even when he’s gone.
I can be my greatest enemy. I’m good at it. That’s O-Sensei’s life-altering lesson. Instead of listening to that lesser than < voice in my head, I listen to those who stand beside me like Mom, Sensei, best friends John and John.
In doing so, I discover that the voice in my head slowly evolves. Now sometimes that voice might say, “I can be greater.” Hopefully, that’s not my inner narcissism rising. Okay, I’m just kidding. I’m better at loving and accepting me.
Over the years, I’ve discovered that I can listen to me with compassion and kindness. We can all discover that sense of peace within. Perhaps, that is what it is to be human.
We’re the ones who finally grant kindness to ourselves. Those who love and stand beside you free you up to listen with compassion for others and for yourself. They allow you the freedom to dare to be greater than you are now.
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