Live For

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, the phrase, to die for, means excellent or to be strongly wished for.

In Hamlet, Shakespeare wrote:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.

To die, to sleep… perchance to dream. Really, to die for that? Just asking. Our journeys shall all end the same. Our time on Planet Earth is finite. Time is undefeated. More than just saying.

Mad love and respect to Shakespeare. I can dream while I still live. We all can dream. We all live. What do you live for? What gives you life? Do you give life to others? What inspires you to live? I’m really just asking.

I live for what I love, for what gives my life purpose.

While I lived in the throes of my clinical depression, I would go to sleep at night praying that I would die before I awoke the next morning. No, I had no thoughts or intentions of suicide. Yet, I suffered. My soul hurt inside. I thought that I could no longer contribute to others, to make a difference in some meaningful way. Although I had made a difference in the past in Aikido, at work, I couldn’t at that time. What I had done was in the past, like some painting on the back wall. Nearly forgotten. It didn’t matter anymore.

I worked with my therapist Lance to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I looked at my childhood fear of Dad, my fear deep within me. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei taught me Aikido for over 25 years. He was a Father to me, who taught me what it is to be a good man. Sensei created the space where I was free to be me. I was free to succeed. Free to fail. Free to invent the greater-than versions of myself. I had nothing to prove. Nothing but mad love and respect to Sensei.

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I worked to heal me. Just trained. Worked on myself. Since early childhood, I earned my 5th-degree black belt in hating on me. I had to lighten the fuck up. No, I couldn’t just love myself from my zero, from where I was at that time. Yet, I could start by hating on me a whole lot less. Be kinder to me. Cheryl Hunter reminded, “Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.” Take my baby steps. Mad love and respect to Cheryl.

In the bigger picture, I do what I love. I train in Aikido with Ishibashi Sensei. I work on myself, not on others. Sensei says, “Apply the (Aikido) technique to yourself.” In Aikido training, I enter the attack and die with honor. The late Mizukami Sensei had taught both Sensei and me, “Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” I take a hit, be uncomfortable for what’s meaningful to me.

I get under the attack, get under what I fear. That’s the safest place to be. I choose who I am, what to do. I release my fear within. Although that fear within me may never completely disappear, I lessen my fear. Release it. I free me. What I live for.

In releasing my fear within, I make it possible to make a difference for others, to be of service. I write about loving and forgiving thine own self on life’s journey with my Editor Lisa Blacker on the Good Men Project. I write for someone out there in the world, who could have been me, who suffers like I did. Perhaps this generates the space for them to look within and get that they’re greater than they know themselves to be.

In the end, they put in the work. They grind it out. Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere. Cheryl said, “Life is imperfectly perfect.” Wabi-sabi: There is beauty in our imperfection. We learn to love ourselves for who we are and forgive ourselves for who we’re not.

In the bigger picture, I take life’s glancing blows for what’s meaningful to me. I’m not going to get away scot-free. Invent a meaningful life. Buckle up. Embrace the journey. Love and forgive thine own self. That’s what I live for. Just saying.