Living With Intention

Lately, I’ve been trying to do everything with intention.

I always thought I was.

But recently, I realised how easily my overthinking brain steals moments.

Like in spin class, meant to be fully present, moving with the music, the rush of adrenaline. And… I am present most of the time, yet sometimes, instead of being there, I’m planning my day, thinking about lunch, or replaying an old conversation, rewriting it in my head.

I’ve always been intentional about gratitude… on my morning walks…

I acknowledge what I have, what I’m grateful for. But lately, I’ve wondered… am I actually letting myself feel it in the present? Or am I just checking a box of things I know I am grateful for while my mind races to the next thing?

Things like phone calls, texts, and voice notes with friends or family are integrated into my life weekly, even daily. For example, I love calling my grandmother every week. It makes me happy, and it makes her happy.

And I know I am present in the sense that I do it because I love the person, and I love the communication.

But lately, it has made me think: am I listening, talking, calling with full intention, and being present with every word, or is it because it has now become a routine or duty?

The same with my celery juice every morning. I’m grateful I can. But am I allowing myself to intentionally enjoy the two minutes of making it, sipping it? Or is it another automated habit?

Even the way I manifest. I’ve always believed in it, visualising the things I deserve, the life I want. But has that also become a habit? A thought loop on repeat without actually feeling it the way I used to with the intention, which is what makes it powerful.

I went to a play this week. Before I went, I applied my new goal of being present with intention and committed to being present 100%. Because I realised something about myself when my anxiety got bad after a year of panic attacks, I developed a way to self-soothe: worst case, I can leave. I don’t have to stay. I have the choice to leave.

And 99% of the time, I never leave the place I go to, whether theatre or elsewhere. But still, that thought lingers.

When I am actually there, half of me is present and enjoying it, and half of me starts to ask:

Are we staying? Are we good?

Instead of fully committing, I am also checking in with myself. I know I still enjoy it and love the experience, don’t get me wrong, but am I intentionally 100% there or just being present enough to enjoy what I love?

I think I’ve been living most of my life in fight-or-flight mode. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. Anxiety is so high in our generation because we never stop. Our minds are always somewhere else… in the past/future, planning, analysing…

I’m a highly sensitive empath and an over-thinker. I realised that this is a gift… beautiful, maybe, but exhausting.

But can’t we slow down, even in life’s chaos? Can’t we catch ourselves when our minds drift, notice it, and bring ourselves back? Because intention requires commitment.

Like when we’re rushing in a taxi, running late to meet a friend… it happened to me last night. Normally, I’d be texting, voice-noting, stressing about being late, answering work emails. But yesterday, I stopped. I noticed the music on the radio, a song I loved and hadn’t heard in ages. I looked out the window and realised we were taking a different route. For a second, I worried I had put the wrong address, but I hadn’t… I Shazamed three songs I forgot existed that, thanks to being intentionally present last night, I listened to on repeat today. All because I chose to stay in that moment. Fully appreciating that taxi ride and all it brought to me…

This morning, I helped an elderly woman get to her art class. Normally, I’d present, of course, but in the back of my mind, I’d also be planning the next two days of my life. It’s a survival mechanism: I feel like I need to occupy that space in my mind while I am physically doing something else to save myself from stress later, yet it just adds more stress to the present…

Today, before I arrived to pick her up, I set an intention to be fully present with her during our walk. And I was. You know what? Even though it was like any other time on the outside, it felt completely different to me… lighter, more meaningful, and more intentional.

I know I won’t always get this right; we are only human. Some days, my mind will win, and some moments, I won’t be as present as I’d like to be.

But even then, I want to allow it intentionally, to be kind to myself instead of spiralling about the fact that I am spiralling. (this happens a lot 🙂 )

The understanding we expect from others when we are not feeling 100% is the same understanding we need to intentionally give ourselves.

Because things feel lighter and better when they’re acknowledged… when we stop fighting ourselves and just allow things to be what they are.

My goal is simple:

To be present.

To do everything with intention, even when my mind wanders.

And to be okay when I don’t get it right each time.

Life feels so much better when we intentionally let ourselves live it… moment by moment.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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