I’ve written for years now about love, lost and gained, repeatedly. I’ve written about ways that I have learned to accept and embrace myself, loving what I was taught not to love as a child about my own human-ness and sexuality. I have learned how not to shame myself for my own, very personal, needs and desires, as inconvenient as they are. It’s been quite a process, to say the least.
But I am at the end of one era and beginning another.
As a fairly healthy person, I live with longing. This longing is to be loved, deeply, passionately, fully, safely, unguarded, and without reservations. For many years of my toxic marriage, I thought I was incapable of this kind of love. I thought that the lack of intimacy in that marriage was due to some strange and unfamiliar cold heart I had acquired over years of trying and failing.
And, as I have written before, I was wrong. I was lucky enough to have someone teach me otherwise. No, that man did not remain in my life for long, due to many, many unforeseen circumstances, namely his marriage. But…no matter, I learned a lot and I have no regrets. Without him, I would never, ever have the confidence to do what I have done, nor had the hope of it ever being different.
That is not to say that I live inside some little “hope bubble”. I don’t. There are days and weeks that I have felt the devastation creeping into every cell of my body, like an amoeba eating away at my soul. I have cried almost convulsively on massage tables because of my apparent need for physical touch…after a time of having none. I hope never to allow myself to sink that deeply again.
At my therapist last week, I learned something about myself. It’s something I had had an inkling about before, but now, said straight to my face in words, by a woman who I fully trust. She can talk straight to me now, I guess. After working with her for over a year, through the challenge of being in a relationship with a man with BPD, she can finally say things without being so guarded. And if I am really honest, I can finally hear them.
The entire last year, my questions about my relationship with him have been these?
- How do I do that better next time, so he is not so worried?
- How do I protect my girls from his mood swings?
- Do I really try to “make him feel better” after he gets pissy with me about his jealousy issues?
- How much of this am I capable of handling?
- How much of this is mine, as opposed to his, problem?
- Why do I not feel like being intimate with him anymore?
- How is it that everything was fine just minutes ago, and now…he is quitting and leaving?
Not good questions, do you agree?
I didn’t realize how bad they were until he broke up with me, after breaking my heart, day after day, for months. I thought I should be able to “handle” it. I loved him. Yeah, big eye roll, right?
As I sat in her office, discussing my poor choice of questions over this past year, she asked if she could give me a new question. She smiled. I smiled. Of course… I mean, that’s why I go to therapy in the first place, right?
As she handed me a little piece of paper, she explained, complete with a caveat. “You always take on more than your fair share inside relationships. You have never been met even halfway. You have always felt it was your “job” to figure things out, make them better, help them be happy, etc. Well, guess what? It’s your turn. You have a new man you are considering as a potential investment of your time and energy. He is a friend you know quite a bit about already. Going forward, this is your question.”
She handed me a sticky note and on the paper, the words, “Am I enjoying this?”, were written.
I literally giggled as I read them. Looking at her, I said, “Am I really allowed to ask this of myself? I mean, how will that prevent me from being self-centered in this next possible relationship? Do I really get to enjoy it?”
She smiled, “I don’t give this question to everyone. But it’s safe with you. Because being selfish is such a far cry from anything you have ever been, you actually need to ask yourself this.”
Well, there you go. At age 47, I get to enjoy myself. Finally.
She said, of course, that I will answer “no” on occasion. But, overall, my answer will be “yes”, if this is good for me.
I have other markers that tell me about how healthy a relationship is for me, as well. I have experienced these, repeatedly and finally understand their correlation with my emotional health.
Longing…where has it gotten me? Today, it has gotten me into a physically and emotionally healthier place, with a new question to ask as I travel the road a little further.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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