Trauma makes you different.
Not just when you are actively going through it all, but even after, when healing has taken hold and life begins to move forward again.
I had an amazing memory. Anything I read, important details and numbers, I remembered it all effortlessly. It was a part of myself that I loved. It’s not a part of me anymore.
At first, I thought it meant I was still broken. I kept waiting for it to change. Months went by, and even though I was improving in other ways, my memory still hadn’t improved. I would forget what time I was supposed to meet a friend, or directions to a restaurant. Things I never would have forgotten before.
Eventually, I started to realize that I wasn’t going to be the same, and it had nothing to do with how healed or resilient I had become. This triggered a whole new round of anger and grief. I was angry that I couldn’t just go back to who I was before. I hated that I had allowed myself to be so changed by one stupid thing.
Part of my healing and recovery was practicing self-compassion. It can be so hard to do, especially in the moment when my memory has just failed me, but it came to be essential. I had to learn to love this new me.
Parts of myself that I loved had changed — but I had also gained new strengths. I take a lot of notes now, when I remember, which means I have a paper trail of where I’ve been, what I was thinking, how I was feeling. These notes are a map of my progress as my healing continues.
Sometimes I’m still sad about what I lost — usually when I’ve forgotten something — but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than where I am now.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo: Shutterstock
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Talk to you soon.
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