Love: A Choice Or A Feeling?

Love is ______.

Fill in the blank. Are you struggling to finish the sentence? Yeah, I do not blame you.

For centuries — and perhaps, millenniums — philosophers, scholars, poets and billions of others have ventured far and wide to define and measure love.

We still have not found the answer.

We are not saying that love is fake — love is real; it is all around us. However, the real question is: is real love a choice or a feeling or both?

Cases For Why Love Is A Choice

To answer that question, it is worth channelling our focus into all of the small but meaningful ways in which our love for another being is a decision that we make every day.

1. Love is an act of selflessness.

At times, we behave in ways we may not otherwise behave for the sake of love.

We prioritise our other half before anything else and do the same repeatedly without end. We meet each other halfway. We go out of our way to make them happy. Parents, I am sure you will understand that logic.

A lover, as well, will frequently perform these gestures because all they want is to help their loved one overcome periods of hardship and to watch them flourish and grow.

Being concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own is a vital building block of true love. Given how selfish human beings are in general, it demonstrates that a deliberate, conscious choice has to be made.

2. Love seeks the good.

All relationships are no walk in the park — every relationship has its own unique issues.

When you fall in love with someone, you attempt to cast aside the bad in them and turn your attention to all that is good about them as frequently as possible, despite when they are making that troublesome to do.

Our loved ones, immediate family members, and friends will virtually do anything that annoys us or that we hope they would not do.

Occasionally, our minds refuse to let these things go, but just as frequently we opt to ignore a person’s shortcomings. Then, on top of that, we remind ourselves of all their pearls of wisdom.

It is not necessary for us to do that. Nevertheless, we still deliberately do so because we love them to the moon and back, and we wish them to return the favour.

3. You choose who stays in your life.

Whilst you might be unable to pick your blood relatives, you can choose whether you want them to remain as an essential component of your life.

And your tribe of friends is certainly one that you make a conscious decision to maintain. That is because you appreciate all they have done for you thus far.

Truly loving relationship of all imaginable forms requires effort to ensure their existence. As we move forward, we have to let some relationships go to make room for others to thrive and grow.

At times, we even have to rid ourselves of deeply loving friendships — perhaps by converting them from friends to acquaintances or otherwise ending the friendships for good.

We might not always be conscious that we are coming to these difficult choices. Nevertheless, they are made.

4. You can love someone and still have boundaries.

We will learn to accept certain things from others. However, there are certain things we will not. For example, in the case of my fiancée and I, if either one of us smokes, we can say sayonara to our partnership.

We might pick up different kinds of love for different individuals and will establish limits according to this.

You might need some degree of privacy from your family members; a point at which you will not share every aspect of your life — be it your career, your financial portfolio or your relationship with another — with them.

However, you still love them unconditionally.

When a lover is in the mix, you may make information that was once personal and private known to them. You may let them have a peek at your true personality.

You love both of them. However, you make a choice based on what you are willing to do or what you permit for that love.

5. Love is for giving and forgiving.

We are not immune to a storm of emotions. We can get agitated by our loved ones — let alone our friends — once in a while.

At which point, one of the solutions we can go for forgiveness.

However, forgiveness does not always come easily; it is a process that requires work and effort, particularly when the emotional injury is significant.

You must actively choose to begin the process and see to its peaceful end. By making that decision, you are not just healing yourself; you are expressing your love for that person.

You are communicating to them that they are worth the effort to forgive.

6. You can still love despite the emotional rollercoaster.

Life happenings can trigger a hurricane of emotion at any point in time.

Sorrow and despair follow soon after a loss.

A horrible day at work leads to a nasty temper or agitation.

A dispute with a long-time friend leads to uneasiness and remorse.

At these times, the feelings of happiness, contentment, or sentimentality you have toward a person might be completely overpowered and subdued.

However, you still come to them for emotional and spiritual support.

You opt to seek solace in their warm embrace and make your problems known to them when necessary.

You have faith in the fact that they will be by your side and that they will accept you the way you are.

7. Love is not a relationship; love is a commitment to love.

Whether the love is represented by a marriage certificate, marriage vows, joint bank accounts, or having kids, love is a team effort that involves two people declaring that they are devoted and faithful to one another.

This is the ultimate choice of love: developing and preserving a long-term partnership while ploughing through the unavoidable tests and the great troubles of life.

No amount of feeling alone can lead you to make such a commitment. It has to originate from the conscious minds of two people.

Cases For Why Love Is A Feeling

It is time for us to focus on how true love is a feeling that lives in an individual and between two souls.

1. Love develops gradually.

At times, we become friends before we become lovers.

At times, the love of family develops into a deep love of friendship (for instance, between a parent and a child).

Even within a romantic partnership, the kind of feeling we direct to our partner can change as we age.

This evolution of life does not happen simply because we deliberately force it to happen — it just happens by itself and without us knowing.

The love is still there. However, it has evolved into a completely different type of love.

2. It is indescribable.

At times, we cannot answer with certainty why we love someone — we just do.

It is a case of us knowing without knowing. An intuitive thing. An invisible force pushing you toward another soul.

Some individuals fall in love with each other as soon as their eyes meet. Like lost souls who have at last discovered their soulmates.

You know that you love someone. However, you could never find the right words to describe why you sense that way.

3. You fall in love.

A lot of people do not love each other as soon as their eyes lock. Instead, they walk through phases of falling in love.

However, it is not often to come across a person who chooses to fall in any sense of the word. Falling in love is no exception.

You cannot say, “Okay, I am going to fall in love with this individual immediately.”

That is not how it works.

Falling in love requires patience and can be an emotional rollercoaster for some. Yes, you might decide to dedicate your time to someone. However, there is no assurance that this will develop into a loving relationship. Time does not equal success.

As frequently as people head over heels for their partners, other relationships simply wither and yield no apparent results.

4. Love is enthralling.

At times, two people are attracted to each other.

It can occur during the beginning stages of a loving relationship. However, it should not be mistaken with lust which, by definition, is different from love.

It can also occur in long-established friendships or partnerships, years or heck, even decades old.

It is when you develop this strong temptation to be with an individual because you must see and be by their side.

It could be that you have spent time apart, and you are dying to hold their hands again, to kiss their forehead and see their beautiful smile.

Or perhaps you just stop whatever you do when they enter the room and give them a big, warm hug.

Love: Both A Choice AND A Feeling?

You bet. Love is both a choice and a feeling.

When you are in a loving relationship with someone, you are both making a conscious choice and overwhelmed by a feeling.

The process of love requires the parties in the partnership to make commitments necessary to cultivate and preserve a feeling.

You cannot have one without the other.

You longing for a slice of tiramisu cake but refusing to consume it is an example of you feeling love without choosing it.

You consuming a slice of tiramisu cake when you do not like its taste is an example of you choosing love without you loving it.

Neither will offer you the lifelong pleasure you crave.

You must want the tiramisu cake and savour it.

So, that is pretty much it.

Love = tiramisu cake. Understand?

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Previously Published on medium

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