Kyle Benson challenges this common saying and shows how it hinders rather than helps relationships.
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Do you remember Cinderella?
That blond princess whose miserable life was instantly transformed by her gorgeous-smooth-move-well-dressed-billionaire prince charming.
Well, I never knew her. She sounds like an evil step-daughter.
But I do know Cindy.
Cindy’s friends were telling her about this guy she might like. His name was Ryan, and he looked like David Beckham.
The next night Cindy and her friends went to one of his professional games. Her friends introduced them afterwards.
He took her hand, kissed it, and looked into her eyes.
“Next time we meet, it will be just you and me,” he said.
That did it. She was swept off her feet.
As they got to know each other, the intensity grew. They seemed to deeply understand one another. They enjoyed the same things; food, working out, and exotic beach towns. They both thought, the slipper fits!
It was like a damn Disney movie.
After a few months, Ryan became moody. Actually, he had always been moody, but it didn’t show at first. This bothered Cindy. She wanted to talk about what was bothering him, but he got irritated when she tried.
“Just leave me alone.”
Cindy felt shut out.
Once in a while they planned a romantic night on the town.
If we were right for each other, we would be able to understand each other’s needs.
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Sometimes Ryan didn’t want to go. Other times, Cindy would endure his silence over the candlelit dinner. Anytime she would say something, he would show his disappointment by saying something like, “I thought you knew me.”
Their friends, knowing how much they cared about each other, urged them to work on this problem. But the couple felt sad and frustrated.
Why should we work on it? If we were right for each other, we would be able to understand each other’s needs. We wouldn’t have any problems.
The relationship ended.
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One of the most destructive beliefs for any relationship is this thought process.
“If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously wrong with our relationship.” — Aaron Beck
In essence, choosing a romantic partner is choosing a set of problems. Believing that being compatible with your partner means everything should come naturally is a sure way to naturally end any relationship you will have.
“Every [relationship] demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is constant tension . . . between forces that hold you together and those that tear you apart.” — John Gottman.
The belief that relationship success should not need effort robs relationships of the fire they need to burn. So many relationships turn their hot and passionate fire of love into ashes, just because the couple believes that being in love means never having to do anything demanding.
This toxic belief shows up in two different ways:
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Mind Reading
Part of the no-effort relationship fairy-tale is the belief that couples can read each other’s minds.
My partner knows what I think, feel, and need, and I know the same for them.
The truth is, all couples are incapable of reading minds. Just the other day, my girlfriend said, “Kyle, I need more space.”
I’ve heard that before.
My heart dropped. I went into shock. Was our relationship doomed? I couldn’t believe it. I thought everything was going so well. We were laughing until our stomachs hurt, kissing all the time . . . what did I do wrong?
Finally I summoned the courage to ask, “What do you mean?”
“Your fat ass is taking up too much of our chair,” she said as she kissed me.
Oh. I’m so glad I asked.
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In Nicholas Epley’s book, Mindwise, he asked couples to guess their partner’s self-worth, abilities, and preferences on house chores on a scale from 1–5. He found that couples were accurate 44% of the time, despite believing they were right 82% of the time.
Even more time together doesn’t help. Rather, longer-term relationships “create an illusion of insight that far surpasses actual insight.”
The quality of your relationship depends on your ability to understand your partner, and vice versa. The secret to understanding each other better seems not to come from mind reading, but through the hard work of putting our partners in a position where they can tell us their minds openly and honestly.
It’s quite delusional to believe in mind reading. But it makes sense when many couples who believe this also believe that a couple should share 100% of each other’s view on everything.
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We Agree on Everything
This belief ties well with reading minds. If you can read each other’s mind, then you don’t need communication; you can just assume your partner sees the world the way you do.
Even though you two speak the same language, you both grew up in a sea of different experiences. You were given separate dictionaries on life. This makes it impossible to share ALL of each other’s assumptions and expectations.
Take Leah and David, for instance. They had just finished undergrad and were planning on getting married. David, a minimalist, went and signed a lease for a small apartment outside of Portland. He thought she’d be delighted.
When he opened the door, she flipped.
A couple may agree on traditional roles or have similar views, but that’s very different from assuming it as an entitlement.
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Leah had been living in tiny-ass apartments her entire life. Married couples were supposed to live in nice houses with new cars in the garage.
She felt betrayed. He felt confused. The relationship didn’t last much longer.
A couple may agree on traditional roles or have similar views, but that’s very different from assuming it as an entitlement.
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A no-effort relationship is not a great relationship; it’s a doomed relationship. It takes effort to communicate and understand each other. Love takes work. It takes work to expose and resolve conflicting beliefs and expectations.
However, that doesn’t mean there is no “happily ever after.”
It’s more like, “they worked happily ever after.”
Originally published at kylebenson.net
Photo: Shutterstock
As usually, it’s all about definitions.
‘Work’…. A security guard who is taking a nap in his chair is ‘working’. A climber who climbs the mountain with 60-lb backpack is ‘resting’.
Yes, true love requires work. Not physical, though; mostly – emotional. Without work, the initial dose of serotonin fades off your blood and everything ends. Then you both start looking for a new shot of this drug.
I understand what you are saying. It makes sense. But sometimes doesn’t it seem that with this philosophy any two people can make a relationship work if they both are willing to work at it? I don’t know. Sometimes people find out after awhile they are not a good fit. But now what if they are married and kids involved. Life gets in the way and has a way of passing by all to quickly. We get busy and sometimes it takes awhile to figure out you are not compatible. I know this is the worst. And sometimes you don’t… Read more »
I started dating my best friend and initially I was getting all his attention and everything. But soon due to exams we started talking less and less. I was still putting a lot of efforts, calling him everyday or twxting him while he barely retyrned calls. I thought things might get better after exam end but things are the same. He says that honeymoon phase is over and shit. And it’s a dead relationship. I don’t know if I should further put efforts or chuck him and move ahead. I believe he does love me alot but does put efforts.… Read more »
Hi Cindy, I am sorry to hear that your friend has changed after what seemed like a good relationship in the beginning. That’s frustrating. My advice would be to move on. Relationships require two people to work together. If one isn’t willing to work on it, it’s not a relationship. If he is telling you that the honeymoon phase is over and it’s a dead relationship, then I’d listen to him. It isn’t easy to do that, but moving on will give you the capacity in your life to find the right guy who will make you feel the way… Read more »
I wish I could send this to the man who I recently parted ways. I wish I could even send him the link to this Incredible page. Hindsight. Work takes two. I learned so much from your article and this site, unfortunately, “should have” doesn’t count our work
Hey CK.
Some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned about my relationships have come after I could have used them in a relationship. Even though we now realize we “should have” done something and we didn’t, we now know what we can and will do next time. Relationships are the machine of growth. They are full of lessons that when reflected on, can lead to healthy and happy relationships in the future. I’m glad you’ve learned how vital hard work is to a relationship. I’ve worked with far too many couples who haven’t. You’re going to right direction. 🙂
Great article Kyle. Just want to say thank you once again for your 1 on 1 help coaching me through rekindling my relationship. It took a lot of work but with your help we got through it and we’re doing better than ever!