Make a Difference: Don’t Be a Dick

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In the 1998 NFL Draft, the San Diego Chargers selected Quarterback Ryan Leaf from Washington State University as the second overall pick. The Charges anointed Ryan the franchise “savior”. He was the prototype Pro-Quarterback: 6’5”, 225 pounds, rocket passing arm. Some sports talking heads questioned why the Baltimore Colts chose Peyton Manning as the first overall draft pick.

So much for those forgotten talking heads: Peyton had a 22 year Hall of Fame career, setting numerous NFL passing records, and winning two Super Bowls. He’ll be inducted into the NFL Football Hall of Fame in his first eligible year.

Conversely, Ryan became legendary as the biggest fail in NFL franchise history. Ryan retired only after 3 years in the league: plagued by ego, injury, and gambling addiction. At 42 years-old Ryan is a survivor: of prescription drug addiction, of failed suicide attempt, and of a 3-year prison sentence. Newly sober in recovery, Ryan discovered his authentic self. He’s found his ‘religion’.

Ryan wrote an article: His advice to 22-year-old Ryan, just starting his NFL career in “Letter to My Younger Self”.

He opens in a joke:

What’s the difference between Ryan Leaf and God?

God doesn’t think he’s Ryan Leaf.

With the poignant sense of humor, Ryan voiced the wisdom of the life of promise lost in the fray. He said to younger Ryan, “You’re not an asshole, Ryan. You’re just trying so hard to be one…”

In his epiphany, Ryan wouldn’t have changed anything he had done. He does have one amendment: “Actually… there is one thing I think I would change. I would treat people better.”

In closing, he offers younger Ryan:

“So if I have just one piece of advice to leave you with, it would be… don’t be a dick, man. You’ll be amazed at how much you get back when you just treat other people with dignity and respect. And it feels pretty damn good.”

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I was in my first Aikido class as the newly promoted black belt. I wore my black belt and my hakama — that flowing black skirt. Kind of like Darth Vader. I was in class with Sensei Dan teaching other beginner students. I was totally in my head. I had to get everything right. Now that I was a black belt, I couldn’t mess up. I had to look good.

After class Sensei said, “Are you going to be an asshole or help out?” Hai. I got it. I had to get over me: Be of service to others.

Sometimes to make a difference you need to be an asshole, not caring at all what others think of you. Sensei was ‘asshole’ enough to call me out. My reckoning as the martial artist: Don’t be a dick. It’s not about me.

So I stepped up into Sensei’s greater space to make a difference for students. Sensei had ruthless compassion for me. I need to have ruthless compassion for others who pursue greater than they know themselves to be.

In my transformational training years, Jerome taught me the distinction of ruthless compassion. Nice just doesn’t cut it when you have something at stake in life, when you’re up to greater than. Greater demands sheer will and determination to recreate oneself. Jerome distinguished for me: I had to give what I wanted love to look like to love my Dad. I gave up that it’s all about me. Because it isn’t.

Sensei’s ruthless compassion was the generous gift. Ruthless compassion forgives others and forgives me. Ruthless compassion is the unconditional love for people: Standing for what they’re up to in life; holding them accountable.

I taught Aikido to Lukas and Kurt when they were 12 and 14 years old. I had ruthless compassion for the men they would become. I’d throw them to the mat hard and say, “Get up. Walk it off.” We’d train intensely with a sense of fun. When they got the technique I said, “That’s it! Do it again!”

Nice only takes you so far in the pursuit of becoming greater than you know yourself to be. I have ruthless compassion for others out of love for who they will become.

Honor the purpose and dignity of those you love in ruthless compassion. Ryan might say, “Just don’t be a dick.” Stand for others discovering their greater than they know. It’ ain’t about nice. It’s not about me. It’s about them.
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