You’re not selfish if you want to take a break from carrying that child in your arms all over the house.
You’re not selfish if you want to take a shower alone. Not even if you want to wee all by yourself.
You’re not selfish if you want to leave your child with his father for a few hours, every once in a while.
You’re not selfish if you don’t want to read the same bedtime story for the tenth time in a row.
You’re not selfish if you don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.
You’re not selfish if you don’t want to put everyone else’s interests before yours, all of the time.
. . .
Here’s the thing, mama…
You might think you are selfish for wanting or not wanting all of the above, but only because you want to do good to your child and want to be a good parent.
You can’t be a good parent if you neglect your needs. Being a mother doesn’t make you less of a human. On the contrary, it makes you the human that your child looks up to.
What do you want your child to see when he looks up at you?
Ignoring your needs leads to a life filled with frustration, sadness, anger bursts, and regrets all over the place.
This can do so much harm to your relationship with your child. This molds this human being into an adult who will share pretty much all your negative feelings, with the added burden of thinking — I did this to my mom. She has been miserable all this time because of me. I don’t deserve to be anything but miserable myself.
And who wants that to happen, mama?
. . .
Now, can I let you in on a secret?
You’re not selfish if you choose to carry your child in your arms around the house all day long, either. You’re not selfish if you want to let your child stay glued to your thigh when you go for a whee, a shower, or a bath, or if you choose to do all those million things your little one needs, and do it without complaining.
You’re not selfish if you choose to sacrifice yourself for a while. Some women want to stay at home with their children for years, and you might as well be one of them.
But that’s not all!
Some women want to stay at home with their children for years, and then, after one, two, or three years, they realize that they can’t do it in the long run after all. You might as well be one of them.
You’re not selfish if you choose to sacrifice yourself, and then you change your mind.
You’re not selfish if you say you can do it all by yourself, and then you ask for help.
You’re not selfish if you have someone to help you raise your child, but you decide not to use that help and take your child to a daycare.
You’re not selfish for wanting to do what’s best for you and your kiddo and for changing your mind countless times in the process.
. . .
Few things are irreversible in life
The way you dedicate yourself to your family is not one of them. It’s OK to want and then not to want anymore.
You need to find a balance. Find what works for you and your family. This will take trial and error.
Go ahead and try as much as you feel the need. Accept your errors and learn from them.
Be honest to your child.
Do whatever allows you to be more emphatic. Empathy saves us all.
And because empathy is about recognizing someone else’s feelings, you’d better start working on recognizing your feelings.
You can’t, and you shouldn’t neglect yourself in the process of raising a child who loves and respects himself.
Today, you may not know what it means not to neglect yourself. You’re free to learn, and you shouldn’t feel selfish or guilty about it.
There’s this quote roaming around freely on the internet:
“Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time.”
Now, wouldn’t you want your child to know this? Teach yourself, and teach your child mama!
—
This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
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