You’re a man. A manly man. At least, aspiring to be a manly man. Sort of manly? You’ve definitely got some manly things going on. You’re tough, you’re kind, you’re driven. And you’re sick.
Really sick.
And so you’re stuck.
We all know that men are tough, manly, unstoppable, practically bullet proof physical fortresses that could never be slowed down – let alone stopped – by a measly virus. No virus could get in the way of his productivity, protection of the innocent, providing for his loved ones, or moving of massive pieces of furniture with nothing more than his wildly masculine muscles and sheer grit.
According to the stereotypes, men will use any excuse to opt out of contributing, such that a mild cold becomes The Nuclear Death Flu when a man has it, at least in the eyes of those around him. The Man Flu is when he’s not seen as someone sick deserving of care and empathy, but as someone moping and sniffling over-dramatically and being utterly, pathetically, infuriatingly helpless, meaning even MORE work for his hapless (and let’s face it, much tougher) female mate, who still got the bathroom clean when SHE was sick, thank you very much.
Of course, that’s what the Man Flu is: it’s not a real thing. It’s simply a way of shaming men for not being the impossible Bastions of Powerful Strength and Masculinity that our culture expects them to be.
Can a Man Be Human, Have Needs and Be Vulnerable, Without Letting The World Down?
The suffering of men is traditionally viewed through one of two lenses. The first is the traditional view of heroic masculinity, an impossible standard against which all men are measured and none measure up to. The second is the newer view of men as a failure to meet that masculinity—the lazy deadbeat, with a selfishness, a lack of emotional self awareness, an immaturity, is seen in implied contrast with the mythical heroic man who shows up fully and provides.
By holding an impossible standard of what good masculinity is, we’re making it impossible to be a good man.
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Ironically, our world rings with one of the most painful questions of our age: Where are the good men, the men we need? Often, that question is asking about that first stereotype of heroic masculinity, embodied by Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir to the line of Numenor and throne of Gondor, or by Superman, or male leads in romance novels. By holding an impossible standard of what good masculinity is, we’re making it impossible to be a good man. The ways that men can fail to live up to that standard are practically limitless; such that even being sick and admitting you’re in need is seen as failure. Sure, it’s ‘just a joke’, but it’s one that hits men where it hurts… and that has serious disappointment and heartbreak fueling it, from a world desperate for the presence of healthy masculinity, a world that feels disappointed again and again, through no fault of individual men.
Whether the stereotype at play is about the impossible standard of heroic masculinity, or the tragic stereotype of the loser who won’t step up and do what’s needed, the effect is the same: meeting the real, valid needs and suffering of men with derision, scorn and emasculation instead of love, care, understanding and empathy… when these men are at their most vulnerable. In both cases, these stereotypes about the great things men are supposed to be (and the terrible things we assume they are instead) colour our perception of male suffering: they tell us that if a man is suffering and in need, then he isn’t much of a man at all.
What if there’s something else entirely going on?
Relationship with Needs and The Hero’s Journey
When we have an impossible cultural standard of good, or heroic masculinity, no one can meet it.
That’s literally what impossible means.
But in reality, the heroic masculine IS present in a man who chooses to take the rest he needs and care for himself when he’s sick: this is a man who is living the archetype of the heroic masculine by being realistic about his limitations, doing what needs to be done within those limitations, and overcoming a challenge so that he can get back to his other responsibilities.
Why is it that we mock a man for doing something heroic when it involves resting, taking care of himself, and asking for help from loved ones? Partly because we are relying on stereotypes about what needs we are allowed to have, and what needs we are allowed to acknowledge. Being needless, tough, selfless and productive is an ideal that is imposed on all of us, regardless of gender. For men, their very identity as a worthwhile man is at risk in the equation.
Women are often valorized for relating to their needs in relation to the needs of others, often prioritizing the needs of their partner, children, friends, colleagues or community over their own, even for fundamental needs like food and sleep.
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Another part relates to the implicit and unconscious ways we learn it is acceptable for us to relate to our own needs, and each others’ needs, based on our gender. While gender roles and gendered behaviors continue to change, evolve and dissolve, there is still a tendency for men and women to approach their own needs in subtly, but substantially different ways. To be very general, men often relate to their needs with immediacy: when they’re hungry, they eat; when they’re tired, they sleep; when they’re sick, they rest and ask for soup. But women are often valourized for relating to their needs in relation to the needs of others, often prioritizing the needs of their partner, children, friends, colleagues or community over their own, even for fundamental needs like food and sleep. There are of course exceptions and a broad spectrum of variation here, but in general, it’s more likely for women to accommodate and give precedence to others, even at the cost of their own health, in certain situations.
Like, for example, when they have the flu.
Resentment: It’s Not You, It’s Me
The Man Flu isn’t about men being sick or women being tough. Underneath it all, even underneath the stereotypes and gender roles, this is about resentment.
A woman who’s sick will often force herself to get up and contribute to the needs of others. She’s supposed to, and is even celebrated for doing so. She’s a nurturer after all! Our culture is built on a fundamental myth that we must earn our right to exist through self sacrifice and working hard. As a result of this fundamental rejection of the feminine principle of receptivity, pushing herself even when she’s sick is often motivated by a perception that the needs of those around her outweigh her own, not because they are more important, but because she hasn’t yet learned to validate and prioritize her own health and happiness. This isn’t her fault: it is a common thing for all of us in our culture to internalize a kind of martyr’s attitude when it comes to needs, and to believe on a subconscious level that we’ll only be worthy of love if we provide for others, even at great cost to ourselves.
When a woman does that and a man doesn’t return the favor, she is likely to feel resentment.
The thing about resentment is, that you don’t really resent the other person. You always actually resent yourself. The Man Flu stereotype isn’t about men being sick; it’s about how we are taught not to validate our own needs, not having those needs met as a result, and then watching as someone we’ve sacrificed for doesn’t do the same, and feeling terrible: why did I hurt myself? I thought I had to. Now I discover that something else is possible… it must be wrong! It can’t be that I hurt myself so deeply for nothing.
It’s about society valorizing martyrdom and lack of healthy boundaries, holding self sacrifice at any cost as a gold standard that all should meet, and believing that women meet it better than men do. It’s about shaming men not just for having needs, but for having the audacity to respect those needs and meet them with self love. Not just for being vulnerable, but for not meeting the impossible standard of invulnerability. This also has to do with nurturing: part of what we celebrate about women is our ability to nurture. Men are often portrayed as substandard nurturers by comparison. Often women won’t ask for nurturing for the same reason they will prioritize the needs of others above their own: because of a false belief that they need to EARN that nurturing, instead of realizing that we all already deserve it. As I’ve learned from living with chronic pain, men are more than capable of providing incredible nurturing for those they care about, just as capable as women!
When a woman talks about the man flu and the resentment she feels that a man in her life isn’t forcing himself out of bed in spite of being sick, she’s really feeling resentment about the fact that she forced herself out of bed when she really needed the rest. Shaming each other for taking care of our own needs, for being gentle with our own vulnerabilities, perpetuates that cycle of self-disrespect and resentment.
The Fear of Not Being Good Enough
Stereotypes like the Man Flu also perpetuate the cycle of the absent/wounded heroic masculine. All men have that heroic masculine within, and expressing vulnerability is a vital part of developing it. When we as a culture make that impossible, we shouldn’t be surprised that the heroes and good men all around us harden their hearts instead of opening them, hide their softness instead of sharing it, and hold back on nurturing and caring for fear of being deemed not good enough.
Being with men, with anyone, involves seeing and accepting and appreciating the good…emasculation is a vital word to understand here, because truly, stereotypes like the Man Flu take away a man’s ability to stand strong in powerful, healthy masculine…
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When men are sick, they are not weak, but they are vulnerable. In that vulnerability, there is a profound opportunity for healing. Being with men, with anyone, involves seeing and accepting and appreciating the good; not withholding even basic empathy lest this man ends up not being perfect. Believe me: he isn’t perfect, and he deserves empathy anyways. It’s easy to shame and emasculate someone when they’re vulnerable. But emasculation is a vital word to understand here, because truly, stereotypes like the Man Flu take away a man’s ability to stand strong in powerful, healthy masculine… the very thing that so many of us need, the thing that many of us resent men for not providing. We are desperate for their realness, for their openness, for them to be authentic with us, and we resent them for not doing so. But resentment is really about ourselves, remember? Authenticity requires vulnerability, and if we as a society viciously emasculate men when they’re physically vulnerable, how are they supposed to be emotionally vulnerable?
The next time a man you know is sicker than you think he should be, you have the opportunity to ‘cut him down to size’ by mocking him about having a Man Flu, to remind him that he doesn’t deserve care unless he works hard and sacrifices for it, to undermine the heroic masculine in him.
Or you could bring him soup, rub his feet, and remind him of his strength… just as you would with a weary hero, returning from the fight to rest.
You’ll be amazed at how powerful and good men can be when given the opportunity. I know I am.
From my heart,
Kathryn
*The topic of receptivity and bringing out the heroic in men is a big part of my work on Feminine Energy. If you’re feeling resentful of men, blocked in your relationships with masculine people, and generally frustrated in your life, it’s possible that working with your internal Feminine Energy will help you overcome those blocks and begin receiving abundance in your life and relationships beyond anything you can imagine now. You deserve it! Check out my Facebook page to receive free resources and updates on Receive Everything, my upcoming book about embracing the power of feminine energy.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStockphoto
THANK YOU! It was a major factor in my recently ended relationship, where she insisted that (at best) men were ‘defective females’ or ‘rejects from the woman school’ (she actually said this) because she was so much tougher, better, etc. for raising her kids. And the abuse I had to endure when I got sick of a bad flu 2 1/2 years ago…. This needed to be said and I thank you for presenting it so well.
Great article. The double bind of, “you’re a man-baby if you admit you’re sick” & “why won’t men go to the doctor’s and admit their sick” creates obvious problems. I like how you cut through that by pointing out the resentment some women feel because they forced themselves out of bed when they really needed that rest. I think that sort of self-reflection, rather than shaming others, is a skill we all can learn to use more.
I just received the most amazing email from a man who lived through the loss of his marriage due to stereotypes around male suffering, when he dealt with chronic health issues. He wasn’t comfortable sharing his story widely or being named, but to hear his account of being discarded because he wasn’t invulnerable… I was moved to share it here. It’s heartbreaking to me how real this stereotype is and how much pain it’s caused in real people’s lives. But it’s also so inspiring and uplifting to hear about the healing that this man bravely undertook. It’s amazing to see… Read more »
Yeah, not feeling good today, but I will not stop, i will not rest, not until I finish the DNA sequence for cloning you and unleashing a hundred thousand of you upon the land. You’ve covered it all. Nothing more that I can add.except that women such as yourself, my wife are rare today. I’m finding that so few women really know men at all. Not that they are bad, they are in fact good people, they just have no clue as to who men are. They know what we are, but not who we are. I’m not sure if… Read more »