‘What’s the big deal,’ you say? ‘Couples are just living together instead of getting married.’
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I read this week that there has been a significant decline in marriage rates, especially in the past two years.
57% of adults got married ten years ago, but only 51% are getting married now.
Last year, only 9% of 18-to-24 year olds in the U.S. were married, compared to 45% in 1960.
And the Pew Research Center reports that from 2009 to 2010, 13 percent fewer people in this age group got married. (Christian Science Monitor, January 2 & 9, 2012)
In 2011, The Economist (June 23rd issue) reported that only 45% of all households include a married couple, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
We are seeing a rapid decline.
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So what’s the big deal, you say? Couples are just living together instead of getting married.
Hey, I’m no prude. I did that myself before I got married.
But the studies show that the problem is the big impact on the kids – and on long-term economics.
The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey reported in 2005 (USA Today, July 18, 2005) that cohabiting couples break up at twice the rate of married couples in the U.S. and that 40% of cohabiting couples have children – who get to share these more rapid breakups. In Europe, cohabitation rates are even higher, although divorce rates are lower and more children grow up with both parents – even when they’re not married.
When I started practicing family law in 1993, the average age of a child when parents divorced was about 8 years old. The average age of a child when unmarried parents split was about 4 years old. As high-conflict divorce appears to be increasing, the age of children growing up in conflicted arrangements also appears to be getting younger and younger.
So what are the implications of all of this?
Children have less stability and more exposure to parents in conflict or loss of contact with one parent. It’s not surprising that the research on the development of personality disorders suggests that each younger generation has a higher incidence of these disorders.
In our book “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” Randi Kreger and I explained that about ten percent of the U.S. population has a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, but about 15% of young adults age 20 to 29 have one of these disorders. One of the causes is instability in early childhood. You need stability to develop confidence, relationship skills and the ability to cope throughout your life.
The other major implication – for adults as well as children – is that unmarried folks are poorer.
Researchers indicate that at least half of income inequality in the U.S. is due to this changing pattern. Households with only one parent (who mostly have only a high school education) are getting poorer and married household (mostly with college education and two incomes) are growing more well-to-do, according to The Economist (June 23, 2011).
In the 1960’s, 76% of college graduates were married and 72% of high school graduates got married. Nowadays, the census shows that woman who get married are much more likely to have a college degree than just fifteen years ago. For women with college education, only 6% of babies have unmarried mothers, whereas 44% of babies of high school graduates have unmarried mothers. (The Economist, above)
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For society, the message seems to be that marriage does matter – economically and to the well-being of children.
If we care about our collective future, we need to care about the stability of family life – including making relationship skills an important part of education.
For individuals, the message seems to be that you should seriously plan on getting married someday, for your own economic good as well as your child.
And if no reasonable prospects are handy, it may be a good time to start taking some college classes – that is, if our nation’s economic priorities will make it affordable.
This article by Bill Eddy originally appeared on HighConflictInstitute.com. Bill is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of several books, including “It’s All Your Fault!” He is an attorney, mediator, and therapist. HCI speakers have presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Australia and Sweden.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Interesting article
I grew up having 5 different dads, my mom remarried a bunch of times. I have trouble committing to relationships. Not only that, I hear all these horror stories about Men getting divorced and losing more then just the marriage. When you see so much destruction relationships can bring while your growing up.. it’s really no surprise.
Dr Mack is the perfect person to contact if you need your Man or Woman back, Email:dr_mack@yahoo. com, He restored my relationship and my relationship turned into marriage…
Hopefully he signed a pre-nup
Men have finally started to realize that getting married is financially destructive. A woman can cheat and get knocked up, and if husband is on the birth certificate he is screwed. He will pay alimony child support for a kid that isn’t his, plus she will get half is assests. Sounds like a lose lose for the man and win win r the woman.and you may also get a criminal record as she will lie and say you beat her. Still wonder why marriage rates will be single digits if this continues?
Marriage can be a disaster for men, and insulating yourself against divorce just ruins your marriage anyway. Trying to be the best husband possible(letting your wife stay at home with the kids, bringing home a good salary) just sets you up to be totally destroyed by your angry/bored wife. Then you lose your money, friends and family. The risk is too great.
Marriage is becoming obsolete. We live longer. We do not have the patience to remain with one person our entire lives, especially if we marry in our 20 and or early to mid 30s.
Marriage is a very bad deal for men. There is absolutely NOTHING I can have by being married that I can’t have without. Why the heck would I want to subject myself to a legal contract with potentially devastating and unpredictable downside risk but with absolutely no positive benefit to me? American men are starting to wise up to this and thankfully marriage rates will further decline.
Marriage is a very bad deal for men. There is absolutely NOTHING I can have by being married that I can’t have without. Why the heck would I want to subject myself to a legal contract with potentially devastating and unpredictable downside risk but with absolutely no positive benefit to me? American men are starting to wise up to this and thankfully marriage rates will further decline.
The fact is that marriage is for weak, insecure , co-dependent people who are not strong enough to be independent and want to be accepted by the larger society which is largely the same pathetic way.
Why is marriage declining? Simple. Too many selfish women. The quality of the lower class female has been declining in recent years so men can no longer turn to the lower classes for sex and babies. Obese welfare whales and their seacows aren’t sexually attractive. Without enough beautiful women to go around it creates more selfish women among the classes that qualify. Because these affluent women have bargaining power over who gets sex they turn the entire nation into a hellish circus for its men. What do these affluent women like to do? 1) Chase alpha seed. 2)Pretend that they… Read more »
This is the truth.
The responses here are hilarious, the creators of this fake feminist sponsored site must be squirming with all these responses from real guys.
No-fault divorce has destroyed marriage, rendering the institution unappealing to men. They have nothing to gain, and everything (alimony, child support, jail) to lose. Forget about society’s interests. It’s about male self-preservation.
Declining marriage rates are arising from several factors. Men have been financially crucified by courts and access to their children is usually difficult. Over 97% of alimony recipients are women and laws regarding spousal support vary widely. It is a legal contract between a man and the government and it does not benefit men in any tangible way. With no fault divorce the exit door is always ready to swing wide open for the woman as over 60% of divorces are initiated by the women. Apparently a fairly high % of younger women have marriage as one of their life… Read more »
I just started watching a movie called divorce corp. A must see for anyone contemplating marriage, It is a real eye opener. For starters in the US your constitutional rights do not apply to family court. Lawyers often contribute to judges election campaigns; it is a system deigned to rape financially. The divorce industry in the US generates 50billion a year for the legal profession. The court will seize your assets, properties etc in order to insure that your legal bills get paid, the lawyers on the show charged between 650 and 950 per hour – not including their staff.… Read more »
I have the answer to this entire article; “Don’t have children”
I’ll never forgive myself for falling into the painstakingly disguised trap of marriage. The damage wrought against my life for making that most horrific of mistakes is irrevocable. If I’d been able to look at what I was doing with a clear head and in a rational way – instead of looking at marriage through the lens of illusions and enchantments frequently espoused by those with a vested interest in its promotion – I might never have signed that most masochistic of legal contracts. Marriage is the Hades that keeps on destroying long, long past the date of divorce. The… Read more »
Bill Eddy Something in this articles makes me feel confused. Here he talkes about many different phenomena as if they were one. 1: Bringing up children the best way possilble,to emotionally healthy individuals. 2: the falling marriage rate. And if the main problem is how to take care of children then lets focus on that. If a society produce more and more persons with severe personality disorders,then we need a better analyses than the one given here. To think the problem will be solved simply if everybody got married before they have kids, is a simplistic solution to a the… Read more »
Fear of divorce and life time alimony is why I and many men are not interested in marriage.
Besides fish / bicycle so I’m staying single.
The risk is too great.
Learn about the actual laws were you marry. In the US alimony is paid by the partner who can afford it and only if the other partner does not have means of suitable income. It also ends if their circumstances change and changes if yours does. Child support is also for a set number of years but if you reproduce it is your obligation to the child. I rarely hear of “alimony for life” anymore. They might be eligible for your SS benefits and portions of retirement but even that is the result of a long term marriage. If you… Read more »
How about not getting married, period? There is zero incentive for any man to marry
You’ve got it completely backwards. Nobody has proposed any evidence which shows that declining marriage rates are responsible for income inequality. Quite the opposite, in fact! There’s copious evidence that the decline of the middle class and rising income inequality is driving down marriage rates.
Well said, Jonathan G. Studies have shown that when people don’t have jobs or paid poorly, the the marriage rate and birth rate in a country goes down. Right now the USA has the lowest birthrate in this country due to lack of good paying jobs and a weak manufacturing basis since 1935.
Or maybe guys just don’t want to lose 1/2 to greedy women
Jonathan G
I think you are right.
Interesting that this article appears at the same time as the one about Poly amorous relationships.