Steven Lake flies backward in time to understand how he has conceptualized masculinity and what it means to be “male.”
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Fifty years ago, at the age of ten, I knew what it meant to be “male.” So did every boy around me. I did not have to look far to see the epitome of masculinity. My father was right in front of me. He was a former National Weightlifting Champion, stood six feet tall, in perfect health, and had a full head of dark curly hair. He was such a poster boy for the military that when the Queen of England visited, he and my mother were invited to the garden party. A year or so after that, as a newly minted sergeant, he was the Canadian representative in the honour guard when President Kennedy visited Germany. To this day I can remember him polishing his black shoes and cleaning his white parade belt.
My father was an all-round athlete and could play any sport. As an adult he learned to play tennis and swim. Eventually he became one of those guys at a military college running cadets around obstacle courses. Sports was pervasive in my household and it was assumed that I would avail myself of any opportunity to play and learn. After all, it was what a young boy did. I played soccer, baseball, hockey, tennis, volleyball, skied, and was a competitive swimmer. I also was involved in judo, boxing and wrestling. In college I was the captain of the fencing team.
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There was one big problem with this picture. My father was an elite athlete and looked the part. I was a sickly, under-weight asthmatic. The bar was set high and I felt inadequate to say the least. But I worked my skinny little ass off and for a small guy (the smallest on the football team) and I learned to have fun and have a sense of myself that went beyond that of being a sick child. But was I a man and was I living up to the ideal of the time?
What is masculinity anyways? An old Oxford dictionary I am looking at defines it as: of men, manly, vigorous. Other than the vigorous part, it sounds like a pretty open interpretation as to the qualities that constitute masculinity. However, I can assure you that of men and manly was clearly understood by both men and women of that era.
In our household, manly included the concept of physical strength, self-reliance, the ability not to show weak or uncontrolled
It did not matter whether you won the argument or fight but that you did not back down, and were willing to go down fighting if need be.
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emotions (fear, sadness/tears, undue excitement), physical stamina, and the willingness not to complain when engaged in difficult or boring tasks. This was wrapped up in a Protestant work ethic.
Masculinity, for me, has four relational aspects. These are my relationship to:
1) men,
2) women,
3) society and
4) myself.
In relationship to other boys, and eventually men, I was taught to stand up for myself using violence if need be. The concepts of “standing your ground”, “not being pushed around”, “not taking any lip”, were critical to the emerging self-identity as a man who could take care of himself and had self-respect.
It did not matter whether you won the argument or fight but that you did not back down and were willing to go down fighting if need be. Interestingly enough, this attitude prevented many fights as even the bigger boys did not want to go through the hassle of fighting someone who was going to be more trouble than it was worth.
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In relationship to girls, the standard masculine precepts included:
1) never hit a girl,
2) be kind to girls,
3) when engaged in physical games never use your full strength because it wasn’t fair as girls were not as strong or tough (remember, this was fifty years ago).
With regard to women, being masculine embodied the idea of chivalry, personal magnetism, self-assurance, and the willingness to approach women without hesitation. Except for chivalry, I failed on all accounts. That’s not totally true. Up to the age of twelve I was successful with girls. I was comfortable with them, enjoyed their company and had girlfriends.
I became an actor which definitely was not what my Dad had in mind.
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After twelve the bottom fell out when I moved to a new school and found myself with classmates one to two years older than me. I was twelve and looked ten. Not good. Girls who were thirteen were dating fifteen year old boys and were certainly not interested in a ten year old looking newcomer.
As I got older, being a man in relationship to women was singular and goal-oriented – to get a girlfriend (or get laid – sometimes this was one and the same, sometimes not). I had now physically matured and was able to call upon aspects of my personality to attract the opposite sex whether that was acting the bad boy, being playful and humorous, or knowing how to give a woman undivided attention and making her aware of my desire.
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With regard to society I still regard myself as having failed from the definition of masculinity of that time. Being masculine included having a trade or career (able to provide for self and others), being ambitious, getting
In some ways, we are moving full circle and returning to my father’s day of body building magazines defining what is masculine.
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married and having children, and being an upstanding citizen (whatever the hell that was). No, I became an actor which definitely was not what my Dad had in mind. Being an actor was a de- facto vow of poverty, and I co-habitated with women eschewing marriage until my mid-thirties.
Masculinity within myself revolved around two issues. Career success and success with women. When I was doing well in my career I felt good but this was more of an external validation and was limited as I had chosen a career outside the norm. The unstated reproach was, “When are you going to get a real job?”
My focus had always been on relationship and I was consequently, almost always in a relationship. Knowing I could find a woman (eventually) led to a certain confidence about my masculinity in this sphere but I was plagued with doubt and worry as I did not feel that I could provide for my partner in the way society expected; as in buying a house and having a stable job.
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Some things have changed in 50 years – some not. One of the biggest changes I see is that there is a conversation about masculinity. In my day you knew exactly what it was and whether or not you met the criteria. End of conversation.
Nowadays, I see lots of confusion among men trying to figure it out. The rules, the definitions and the zeitgeist of the times have created an expanded set of options, fluidity and flux that is challenging for some and confusing for many as society re-works what it means to be masculine. Opposite images and messages are floating in the air with concepts like metrosexual and magazines like Maxim, promoting six-pack abs and vying for the attention of our young men. In some ways, we are moving full circle and returning to my father’s day of body building magazines defining what is masculine.
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And what is the purpose of masculinity? To procreate? To join with the feminine? To understand what it means to be a man? What? My wife says that if I ever have any doubts about my masculinity to bend over and look between my legs – I should see some balls. Simplistic – maybe, harsh, sure, but there is a truth in that statement which I will explore in Part II of this article.
Photo: FLickr/Elite Star Corps
Photo: Pushup. Personal collection of author.
Personally, I prefer a take charge type of guy. He is strong where I am not. I am strong where he is not. Have been single 7 years. Will remain happy & solo unless my Alpha finds me.
Bus as you know, the majority of men aren’t and never have been helpless. But the media wants to show them as they are and/or showing the men that can and do “take care of things” in a negative light. A recent example is that the other night my wife woke me up and said that she smelled gas (no,not mine). I went down stairs and found that one of the burners on the stove was left on. Another example is that her car is acting up in that there are times when she starts it, the RPM’s are racing… Read more »
This is a great point Tom. Brenda’s point below adds further weight. I think respectful, masculine men are being character assassinated everywhere in the media-sphere under various guises (in my home country of the UK it is relentless). I think this is dangerous and a form of discrimination.
Hello Steve, you said “Nowadays, I see lots of confusion among men trying to figure it out.” I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m not sure why we’ve made it so complicated. Why can’t guys simply be who they are? Men seem to be under the microscope these days. The countless “do’s and don’ts” which often times, depending on the angle, contradict. Yes,there are some men who need help in various areas but what I see is that there is a continuous effort to show men in general, as broken. And the ones that appear to get the most grief… Read more »
Hi Tom: Yeah, there has a major reversal of roles in the media in the last 20 years in the depiction of men and women. It used to be women who were helpless and now it is men. Until we start advocating for a change this may continue and men are not used to gathering together in self supportive groups. Goes back to the stereotype of having to appear strong, independent and able to take care of things. We’re going to have to get over that if we want to create positive change in the media and the world at… Read more »
great read
you summed up the dominant masculinity of that era so clearly and succinctly