Maybe I Did Want to Be Just Friends

If I learned anything recently…

So lately I think I’ve just done too much reading. Reading about relationships, reading about love. Reading about how, since I’m a male, I obviously have ulterior motives with every single female I meet (and maybe some males too, eh…..it IS 2023 after all.)

Is it possible I truly MIGHT want to be “just friends?’ Is it also possible that my definition of “friends” is more complex, perhaps to my own detriment? Acquaintances are not friends. Friends are not acquaintances. In some instances, I’d like to be more than acquaintances. Is that so bad?

It is possible to have, and appreciate boundaries, but true “friends” — in every sense of the word — have, or should have, a different, more intimate set of rules.

Or so I thought. And still do.

People are, or become, friends because they are attracted to another person. This attraction can cross age, gender, ethnicity and every other demographic category that we insist on fitting ourselves into these days. By definition, people are friends with others that they find “attractive,” in the larger sense. Attraction can be based on physical characteristics, and often is, at least initially. But is also grows from other and less obviously visually types of attraction: sense of humor, intellect, kindness, similarity of purpose or belief.

Yet, recently, or maybe I’m just more attuned to it, there seems to be a hyper-sensitivity when it comes to inter-gender friendships. It seems we’re more likely than ever to assume bad intent, even with those we’ve known for years. One misstep or poor use of language and the defecation hits the portable air-moving device. You’d think after an extended period of relationship, we’d be able to cut each other a little slack, give each other a break. But no. 10 seconds of poorly considered words (NOT abusive or crude), freed by too much to drink, cost us dearly.

I get it. Humans can’t help it. We judge. Willingly and quickly. Critically and hurtfully. And yet we’re surprised when others judge us. The quickest way to shut down a conversation, and any chance of emotional intimacy, is to offer your self-righteous, highly indignant, and sure-as-shit opinion before your friend even finishes their sentence — or at any time after that for that matter.

The problem is, of course, that the damage can’t be undone. The bell can’t be “unrung,” they say. Maybe we should have been more patient, more considerate of boundaries. Perhaps we also miscalculated because we’ve known each other so long.

I think in many cases it is clear that “we” isn’t going to be “us”. Now, being completely honest, could there be a little crush thing going on? Sure. I can see where that might be inevitable given the situation of close relationships.

But I’d propose that doesn’t mean that a meaningful friendship — with boundaries — couldn’t be developed and sustained. There’s nothing wrong with an appropriate level of intimacy as long as the intent form both parties is honest and transparent; even if it slips occasionally (occasionally like once every five years, not once a day.)

If you’re looking for an acquaintance, sign-up the cubicle dweller next to you, the guy you see at the gym every Wednesday, or the lady that cuts your hair every month on the 26th.

I DO want to be “just friends.” But not “just” friends — I want to be friends. And there’s nothing “just” about that.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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